I’m going to be straightforward with you… I feel changed. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s my truth.
And you know I only write my truth!
The car accident (a month ago) made me reevaluate my life. Made me examine it at every nook and cranny. No stone unturned. No thought ignored. I went there, everywhere. I sat in stillness… trying to look for where the lessons laid.
Ultimately, the crash was a gift.
Scared the hell out of me, sure. Hurt my back. Made me a little more jumpy, etc– BUT… this is temporary.
It was a gift.
An eye opener. Tiny realizations unearthed at once. I escaped death. I cheated it. I am here for a reason and holy Lord do I believe this now: time is short. I can’t waste it.
This is what I keep telling myself: Life is short. And it doesn’t care about your plans.
The deer that hit me on the freeway- he didn’t care about how much money I make. (jk… don’t make 😛 ) The way I looked. The numbers on my social media. Who I knew. Whether I was a good or bad person. None of that mattered.
We are not immune to anything. And life is crazy.
*Sigh*…. I have been overly emotional since the whole thing. To the point where it almost embarrasses me! I was never a cryer but holy cow have I cried this last month. (Always in private of course– #introvert lol) But man… every little thing I feel so grateful for. Excited for. Even the most mundane. I know this is a good thing.
Really though, I don’t see how someone could go through something so traumatic and not allow themselves the time to explore the meaning behind it all. WHY did it happen. Why?? I don’t believe in coincidences.
Following the crash, I spent weeks asking myself: Would I have been happy with what I had done with my life had I died? Would I look back in heaven at my time on earth and see a girl who was kind to herself? (No.) Would the people I care about know how much I loved them? How much they impacted me?
I think of my family. My Grandpa. My friends. The Violet Fog readers- who, bet your ass, are very important to me!!
Among these heavy realization checks, I realized I had done something right and it brought me a lot of peace- I do believe the people in my life know that I love them. This is very, very important for me.
Life is short. That’s the pattern here. It is SO DANG SHORT. Sounds so simple, and is, but somehow it’s something that never had really sunk into me before. I always felt….
I always felt I had a lot of time. Naive to how fleeting every year really is. Every moment.
Instead of letting this put me into a panic- I realize what a gift this knowledge is.
I don’t have TIME to not believe in myself. To wish for things to happen.
I don’t have TIME to hate my body. Hate my quirks. Hate the way I was designed.
No no girl! NO. It’s time to belieeeeve in yo’self.
For the first time, I am looking at myself in the mirror with true love and appreciation. My body and mind can handle a lot! I need to keep treating it with respect and kind words.
For the first time, I feel free. Tell you what– the people who made me sad or question myself are no longer in the back of my brain. I made room for them before, I don’t have room for them anymore. The guy I was so hung up over? The one I wrote about twice? I thought of him the day before the accident, missed him even. I have not thought of him since. I don’t have time! Life is short.
People who I’m not even sure where I stand with? We coo but… *chop chop* that ship has sailed. The energy is drained and it’s not coming back. I feel this is a gift for both me and them. Release what is not rooted kinda thing.
For the first time, I am telling myself… girl go get it. Your dreams. Stop being scared! Stop being too nice! Ask for things. Go do the damn thing.
It’s funny. The very thing I am the most proud of in life (besides family + friends) is The Violet Fog. But I struggle with it too. Wondering if I am creating something good enough. Valuable enough. Am I even a good writer? Etc. I’ve wasted so much time second guessing my worth. After the crash, made a promise to myself… onward only biotch! Onward only.
I want to do my part as a writer and content creator. For the VF community. For myself. Keep it honest and personal. Niche. Valuing quality and passion over quantity and dollar signs. (I *know* I need to make a living, but you get what I mean.)
I find so much purpose within the VF community. You’re all so smart and badass. Kind. VF is for sure for the woman who enjoys self improvement but isn’t chasing perfection. The woman who is down to talk about real ass issues and experiences and not just keep things “light.” The nitty gritty. Explore the imperfections of life. Celebrate the simple things. Those are my girls. YOU are my girls.
I want to do well for us!
There have been many times this past year where, I’ll be honest, I’ve wondered if I need to get another job to sustain myself. I am by FAR the most broke out of all of my friends lol. I just CAN’T work with brands if I don’t FULLY believe in them!! I don’t care what they offer me! I legit DON’T. CARE. So let’s stay positive that I land some paid partnerships with some brands that are SO kick ass and VF worthy. My thing is– I need to stop being too nice and ask that brands pay me here and there! Please root for me- I need the push!
I would love to throw more events for you, do more interviews and stories around other women and create more interactive content. This last month -due to my headspace- I had a hard time writing anything emotional. Very unlike me. But it was good because it made me get out of my comfort zone. I still had to create content… so I’ve been playing around with videos, sharing more products/habits/routines I love in a (hopefully) valuable way, etc…. have y’all enjoyed this? Making sure you leave VF with something positive is all I want!
But of COURSE, writing will always be my first love.
Health wise, I thank the Lord I walked away with bruises and nothing major- but I did hurt my back and neck. I’ve been very serious with the healing! My neck is feeling better (I found the most pain relief and efficacy through working on my fascia) and my back is getting there. I had tried working out (lightly) once but I feel it was too soon. My back was NOT happy with me the next day! Currently- I’m giving it a few more weeks before I get back into my exercise routine. And I finally went to a Chiropractor just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything major. So, just trying to be smart and take things slow… but truthfully I’m getting impatient.
Mentally, where I am tripped up is my jumpiness right now. The thing is- that f*cking deer came out of NOWHERE. The last thing I imagined happening as I was driving home from the Dentist on that Tuesday afternoon was hitting a deer on the FREEWAY. A back road maybe, not the freeway! From the initial impact, to jumping over and down the embankment, to rolling, to landing… I have never felt so out of control, helpless and scared in my life. So I kind of have this looming idea at all times that… am I ever truly safe? Anything can happen at anytime! I know it’s good to be alert (and perhaps I did need to be more alert just in general) but I don’t like being easily frightened all the time. Ya feel me?
And cars are not my favorite right now. I’m still taking Ubers here and there but from start to drop off I’m a little on edge. It’s easier if I am with friends and have a distraction! Otherwise I gasp at any little thing, it’s silly!- break lights too close ahead, etc. This will fade. And whenever I drive again (can’t be scared forever) you KNOW I will be the safest driver ever when I return! Grandma in the slow lane status.
I’m just doing nice things for myself– aromatherapy, being consistent with all the vitamins/herbs/supplements I like to take (yes I believe they work!)… I’m like a witch doctor with all my concoctions I make! Maybe I’m a little cray cray but if it makes me feel better why not?! lol
Well… that’s all I got guys! I’d love to write an article for you more in depth on what I’ve been doing to “heal” / up my wellness. If you’re interested in that then I’ll totally write it.
LOVE YOU dear reader. Stay strong and raise up when things happen!! <3