One of my old high school friends just got married. It was beautiful. And I had the most wonderful time and felt so so happy for her. She was stunning and I’ve never seen her look so full of joy in all of my knowing her. It was a magical night to witness…
But I must admit, I could not get over how gross I felt about myself while I was there. Like I could not get out of my head. I felt “fluffy”… and my skin wasn’t looking on par for what I’m used to. (The past couple weeks I had been slacking in my routine.) I also tried curling my hair for the wedding and it looked like SHIT. Total shit. I don’t know how to curl hair lol…. I don’t even own a blow dryer. so yeah, I just did NOT feel good about myself. Especially because I was at a wedding. Having to be around peers. I legit hid from cameras like a plague.
Anyone else struggle with confidence issues before big events or vacations or milestones?
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and trying to find the right words to describe this circumstantial phenomenon in Girl World.
Everyone going to Coachella REALLY got me thinking.
I can only imagine how many women were stressing while packing for Coachella (something they should just be looking forward to as an experience) and thought to themselves… ugh I’m so fat.
Or, I wish I would have worked out more before this.
Or, I’m too _______ to wear this.
I can’t pull this off.
I look fat.
I look ugly.
You KNOW this is common. So much skin is shown at Coachella. So much documentation going on. This can give a girl some serious anxiety and take some joy out of the experience.
It sucks. And we can say we don’t care but I think everyone cares… at least a little bit.
Although we don’t have to conform to society, we can’t escape the constant pressure. And society puts the CRAZIEST pressure on us to look a certain way. Twenty-four-seven baby. Oh yes. We get no breaks.
It’s f*cked up. It makes me sad. For women and for myself because I feel these things too.
There’s pressure to not age. Pressure to keep a certain weight. (I used to struggle with this big time.) Pressure to be in shape. Pressure to dress cool, look cool. Be cool. IT’S EXHAUSTING.
Sometimes going to events (weddings, bridal/baby showers, vacations, etc) magnify our insecurities and force us to search for things to feel bad about. Like how we look, etc. You know, instead of just looking forward to the experience or really enjoying the moment.
A whole other beast is pressure to be in love. (Baby and bridal showers I’m thinking of you.) Like…if not married, engaged. If not engaged, have a boyfriend. If no boyfriend, SURELY YOU ARE LOOKING, RIGHT?!? It’s ridiculous. What about the joys and positives of being single?
Another beast after that: pressure to have your shit together. Both professionally and personally. Feeling like a failure if you’re not where you think you should be. Or want to be. We cut ourselves little to no slack, whatsoever.
Let’s go back to the wedding I attended. I literally hated myself for how I looked that night. Hated. Myself.
Any other regular night I may have let it go. Not cared so much. But because it was this big event, I was extra hard on myself. When I should have just been focused on the beautiful moment.
I thought of the girls who I had not seen in a long time, who would see me and judge me for not looking my best. (<—probably just in my head.)
I thought of how everyone there would have a plus one, but me.
But mostly, I just felt gross. I felt like I almost wasn’t worthy enough to be there. (This room was FULL of beautiful, beautiful people. Successful people.) I think I have a lot of confidence (even though I’m socially awkward half the time)- but I wonder how much of this “confidence” is an act, as deep down I am just hating myself a lot of the time.
This is not a pity party. That’d be a RIDICULOUS thing to give further energy to. And I don’t want it. It’s more of a posing of the question, “Why do big events often make women feel like crap instead of completely enjoying the moment?”
Also, “why don’t we put a higher premium on ourselves as a person and what we’ve accomplished or love passionately?”
I’ve worked so hard to build something like The Violet Fog. I am good to the people in my life. I care, really care, about others. I’m smart in my own unique ways and I live a fulfilling life in San Francisco. I have wonderful friends and a wonderful family.
So WHY do I give a shit if I’m 5 pounds heavier than I normally am and my skin is acting up?
Or if my outfit isn’t “omg so cute.” ?
Or that I’m single.
Why should I care? And why does a big event heighten stupid insecurities more than they do on just your average Tuesday?
I know I can’t be alone in this. I just wonder what we as women can do to alleviate this pressure. Are we bringing this upon ourselves? Are we partially to blame?
Let’s strategize. I for one have always said that we need to stop talking about women’s bodies to other people because (1) it’s cheap talk. (2) it highlights our own insecurities, and (3) we’re making it harder for the girl world by not allowing us or our fellow women to be imperfect. AND WE ARE ALL IMPERFECT.
For instance: Do you see a picture of Britney Spears and she looks like she gained a little weight? SO WHAT. Did you see _______’s last Instagram and her hair looks weird, she looks bad, etc etc… SHUT UP. Let’s give each other a break for, you know, NOT BEING PERFECT. Let’s just not talk about how other’s look. There are more important topics.
Look, I’ve done it. (Commented on stupid things.) And I’d like to stop doing it forever because all it is is putting negative, invaluable energy into the world! I don’t want to contribute to that. I’d like to see Girl World get easier, not harder.
We need to let people be imperfect and NOT comment on it. We’re not ALWAYS going to be looking our VERY best. We’re not always going to be at that dream point in our career. Or be totally smooth sailing in our personal lives. So when we see “imperfection” aka real life– perhaps we should keep our mouthes shut. Seriously. Even to our friends.
If people constantly talk about something, we’re going to worry more about it. So let’s not. Or try not to. Reeeeallly try not to.
I think we can do it.
Would love to hear your thoughts regarding confidence issues before big events and also what we can do to care less about certain pressures in society. Hit us up in the comments!