Minus working out and seeing a friend for one hour.
Minus one Target trip and one grocery run.
I’ve been inside for the last 5 days. I’m feelin’ sad. I’m starting to hide away a bit. The last few weeks, I notice it.
So… I gotta knock it off. And be careful. Because it always starts like this. (Depression.)
I get sad. I get reclusive. I get anxiety because I’ve been so reclusive. I start digging WAY too deep into feelings and past memories for far too long. They drown me. Over-sweep me. And then I start to hate things about myself. Start to feel ashamed about things that have nothing to do with my current life. Memories as far back as when I was a kid- they still have a rule over me sometimes.
I’ll get scared. I start thinking about all the f*cked up shit that’s happened to me and how none of it I saw coming. Or how I saw it coming but wasn’t brave enough to stand up for myself. Protect myself. Or I simply just wasn’t prepared. I don’t know. It’s twisted.
I’ll tell myself I am far too broken to ever truly be loved. Way too many sharp edges. Way too much emotion.
Way too much. In general. It makes me want to shrink.
My mind often goes to these dark places. And when I’m alone I have more time to visit them. Dance with them. Sit with them. Sometimes it’s actually therapeutic.
But too much time in the dark is not a good thing. Too much darkness and I slip. And then I really withdraw.
I stop seeing friends. Calls, texts, way less. (Unless they need me for something then I’m there no matter how I’m feeling.) But you get it. I start to retreat.
I start feeling overwhelmed. Sunken. Stuck. Destructive behavior every day.
I can fake happiness for a moment. Feel it even. Experience it every day even.
But the other parts. The dark parts. Sometimes they win.
Sometimes I genuinely, full-heartedly, hate myself. Am disgusted with myself.
Can’t stand being in my skin.
Depression is not pretty. I just hope you ladies know that if you’re going through it- it’s going to be okay. It’s hard now. You’ll get through it. Come out stronger. Better! More self-aware.
We can always get through it. OR– if we are teetering on the edge of falling back into it, we can pull ourselves back up.
And if we weren’t able to pull ourselves back up? Forgive. Forgive yourself. Start rebuilding even if it’s slow. Life is so beautiful- it’s always worth the rebuild!
Me? I’m not in it yet. Not yet depressed this time. I’ve still got a grip, so to say. But I feel like if I don’t start being more proactive NOW…. then I’m going to get swept under. I’m feeling sad. Check. I’m starting to withdraw. Check. Little behaviors that aren’t productive or kind to myself. Check. OKAY– I see the warning signs. I’m on it.
Please listen to your warning signs. You know them better than anyone else.
I told you. In so many articles now. Depression might never leave you. It may keep coming back. No matter how great your life is going. But it doesn’t have to wholly define you. And even if it cycles in and out- the severity, length, and how often it occurs will be strongly connected to how hard you’re fighting to stay in your positive state. How hard you’re fighting to not give up.
I hate being depressed but I have accepted that I will deal with it time and again. The good parts of life (people) still make it all worth it to me. I believe in my ability to bounce back. I believe that I can shorten the duration or severity when it does happen. The thing about depression is, it can actually make for some really strong people. (So long as they don’t play the victim.)
My pro-active plan (that I believe in) to stay ahead of the game is this:
Get outside every day. Nothing to do with working out or errands! Bonus if it involves a little nature.
Hair did. Nails did. Dry-Brushed. Gua Sha facial’d up. Cute outfits. Making an effort is an act of self-care.
And then, every night- stretch. Calming tea. Going to sleep with an extra clean room.
Every morning- good healthy coffee or tea. All the bonus adds like collagen and vitamins.
Matcha every afternoon. Or some kind of super cleansing tea like Pao’ D’arco. With some sort of adaptogen when I’m feeling extra stressy or sad.
If I need to cry, I’m going to cry. I always give myself space to feel things so that I can move on from them. It’s when I choose to numb them that I start going down a darker path. So feel it.
And lastly. Perhaps… letting myself actually talk to someone when I need to. Letting someone be there for me. Not all the time, but sometimes.
The last part is the hardest for me.
(And by the way- if you can afford therapy. DO IT. Personally I need to start looking into this more. Therapy works.)
I hope the takeaway from this is: Know your warning signs, and be pro-active when they start to pop up. If you’re right at the edge, you haven’t fallen yet! Optimism.
—I see myself climbing out of this funk this time. I’m praying. I’m reflecting. I have support if I need it. I got this <3
How bout you, Violets? What are you doing right now to keep your mental health strong and happy? Rooting for you. And always, ALWAYS here to talk. As long as we all just keep keeping it real! 😉 xx