First loves are so naive they almost don’t count… yet they are so special, we know they do.

My first love had some major shithead tendencies. But we were young… teenagers. Certainly wrong for each other and as life went the way it was supposed to, we eventually went our separate ways. Yet those years we spent together, ooooh baby… that sure felt like love.

But unless you end up together, we know first loves aren’t everything. But I do think this: innocently, it’s one love we’ll always remember. One we can always draw upon on what it felt like. Because first loves are a beautiful thing– so erratic and unchartered. When it happens, you think to yourself: they are the one! They are IT. Only in hindsight do we see how silly we were. But man, if you can smile upon that time later… you can’t knock the first-time-love kind of feeling, can you? It’s exceptional because that rush you felt (the rush, not the love), that exact rush- you’ll probably never feel again until you’ve found THEE actual one. (The meant one!)

Here’s my story.

Like many, my first love took place in high school. Together all 4 years- on and off. The last year being long distance when he joined the Military.

He was the most romantic jerk you’d ever met. But I loved him. My God I loved him. And how sincerely… immaturely… entirely— he had loved me.

He was wild and always getting into trouble. I was the “nice girl.” High school cliche? 100%!

I still remember a 14 year old freshman me, seeing a 15 year old sophomore him for the first time. Our school’s football teams were playing each other and I met him that night through mutual friends. He was in Tommy Hilfiger overalls (lol) and he had a girlfriend.

He… was a total flirt. Also a jock. Well liked. Me… I was innocent, clumsy…. bad eyebrows. (I’d like to think charming though- ha!) I was so nervous to talk to him. He said to me, (first words I shit you not) “Hey, wait… you’re that girl who fell down the bleachers a few weeks ago at that one game huh?!”

Greattttttt. (Oh yes I was that girl. And still limping from it.) “Oh, you saw that? Uh, well…” 

Answering for him, his bitch ass spiteful girlfriend: “UM Who DIDN’T see that?” (#NiceGirlsClub… she wasn’t about it.)

So I go home that night. Login into AIM. Screen name: DivaPeanut. 😛 Up pops his screen name. *Gush!* It’s a simple, “Hi. So… you’re cute!” I think: Omgomgomg.  BUT, I say back: “You have a girlfriend! I can’t talk to you!” And I block him. I block my crush. So hard to make myself do. But even at 14, I had my standards. Hellllooo, not your side chick, bud! (Even though I’ll still totally obsess over you in private.) lol

A month later, I receive an email. “I don’t have a girlfriend anymore! Can I please have your number? I really want to talk to you.” Uh, hell yes. GREEN LIGHT let’s do the damn thing!

We end up talking on the phone for hours that night. When we hung up I had the giddiest most goofy smile on my face you’ve ever seen. Just laying there totally cheese-balling over this boy.

We ended up being together the next four years (on and off- mostly on) and… what can I say? We were two loony kids totally in love. Just stupidly smitten with each other.

The whole thing was nuts. In a good way. In a bad way.

We were best friends and our relationship, for the most part, was incredibly sweet and endearing.

We’d write love letters in class to give to each other after school. (So cheesy… loved it.)
We’d spend summers driving up to the mountains, long days at the lake, just the two of us. Sometimes we’d rent a row boat… LOL… like just add swans and you’ve got The Notebook. 😛
Every day, I knew he loved me. He always had a way of letting me know. Notes on my car… calling me every night. Holding my hand every chance he got. It was really freakin’ cute.

BUT, like I said, he was also a huge flirt. And not even that discreet about it. That made me insecure. That often cancelled out all the sweet stuff he’d do for me. I hated that part of him so much.
He also had a jealous side too- picking fights with any guy who he didn’t like talking to me. (Stupid. So stupid.)

And both of us had hot little tempers. Never hesitating to go there to make each other mad. We fought allllllll the time.

Our relationship was passionate… but not very healthy.

When he left for bootcamp (Marines), we bawled for hours before saying goodbye. It’d be 3 months of ONLY writing letters before I’d see him again. We wrote each other every single day. (I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR!!!)  Hehe… had to… (Noah <3333) Anyway!

We wrote each other every day until the end of month two. What happened: I had come home from soccer practice one day to a message on the machine (2004!) … from a group of these mean, mean ass girls from his school. I replayed it probably 20 times so of course, I still remember it. (And I remember everything- ask anyone who knows me! heh.) Paraphrasing: “Hi Katey. We know you’ve heard rumors before, just letting you know they’re true. Your boyfriend’s been cheating on you the whole time. And we get why…. your nose is big, like, DUCK nose big. And your voice makes us cringe. Plus you have no boobs at all. So we’re not surprised. Oh.. and he’s slept with two of us by the way. So you really are an idiot. Have fun crying, BYE!”

I mean, there’s no other way to put it… I was devastated.

The rest of the summer was him denying it. Over and over and over again. It was also a long summer of those same girls leaving me duck noises on my answering machine every week. And side note, but about that… it was the most immature thing. I tried to ignore their little mean girl crew and wish that I had. Because *UGH*… the one time I answered the phone, I was SO infuriated I couldn’t even come up with a clever string of words to say. I believe I said something along the lines of, “YOU’RE JUST MEAN YOU… YOU… YOU STUPID JERKS!!”… Yup. I’m gangsta. You do NOT want to mess with me when I’m mad.

So while he was still at bootcamp, I end up seeing the main mean girl at a party. Oddly enough, she tries to dodge me by going upstairs the second she sees me. The hell?! But I’m drinking, so I run after her up the stairs and slam the door. In just 2 seconds, tears. (I’m sad! Plus… sometimes a drama queen.) I say to her, “now that you see me face to face… is it true? Because he says it isn’t and I’m going crazy. And I don’t know WHY you hate me, but I need to know if what you’ve been saying is just because you want to hurt me or because it really did happen.” She first says the only reason she’s even talking to me is because her new boyfriend wants her to be nicer... “even to stupid people.” Exact words. (Fuggin’ biotch.) THEN she shows me all these texts that confirm the rumors and what do I do? Lol… I awkwardly cry harder of course. Just balling, no words… while she literally just stands there, arms crossed, not knowing what to do. Probably didn’t expect that reaction from me haha. At this point, I am just… mascara cheeks. She must have felt bad because she tells me how guilty it made him feel. That he’d actually cry sometimes after and always wanted to stop (but umm.. didn’t!) because “it wasn’t fair” to me. She tried to justify it by saying they’d keep coming back because they “were once best friends and had a bond they didn’t want to let go.”

Uhm, what? THAT was your excuse for being okay with it all this time? Sorry but… yooze a hoe.

I hated her, but I put the blame on him. (As I should have.) I ended up leaving him right before I graduated. Never once looked back. Although I will admit he was changed for the better after the Marines. The Military will make a man out of a boy real quick. He wanted to make it work but it was just too painful to try again. There was no way I could ever get past it.

Years later we met up and he was STILL apologizing. But I’d forgiven him. Time heals, I was over it. He made mistakes. And we were SO young. His apologizes were always so genuine though. I appreciated it.

“I’m so sorry… I really, really loved you.” He’d say. And I’d just smile…“I know you did.” I had really loved him too, once.

Most first loves, while real, are ridiculous. Fun to think about now and then but most of us long since concluded that it wasn’t meant to be with that person. But innocently, I’ll always remember the feeling behind that first kiss, the school dances, the staying up late to talk on the phone. It was this heightened passion that just energized and never seemed to quit. I’ve loved after him, but I haven’t felt that distinct rush, since.

This is what I believe today: I truly think we will only feel that exact “first love” rush again just one more time in our lives. And that is when we find the REAL one and only. The soulmate. Our hearts will go, “WTF is this? This is new! I’ve never felt this before!”  THAT is the one that really counts in the end. That one will take the cake for me. <3

When was the last time you thought about your first love? Did you learn anything from it? Good memories? Bad? Share!

**P.S: Before you ask. I’m in no rush, y’all. I can get sappy… I’m a romantic… but I’m fine being selfish until I’m truly ready to let someone to annoy me all the time! lol. I admit, love is the best though. 😉

Katey Yurko
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

7 Responses

  1. Elsie

    I really like this post and can relate to it on so many levels. I have been in a serious relationship now for 7 years and engaged to be married. He is not my first love – I too had a similar passion filled first love experience with an immature cheating asshole.
    I was totally on board with everything you were saying until you ended by saying that you believe you’ll only feel that feeling again once more with your “One True Love”… And I have to disagree. You’re a totally different person now, your emotional development, hormones and social experiences are on a whole new plane now- you’re never going to feel that way again, Sorry. You will feel better and way more safe with “the one” but it wont be the same. To be fair to yourself and your future partner- you gotta let go of that expectation, in my opinion. xo

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Girl I know, I’m a big dreamer hehe. 😉 I more-so just meant the excitement that comes along with a first love and the “one true love” trumping all the in-betweeners. At least for me and my predictions haha. I agree about being in a completely different place head space wise though. Congratulations on your engagement! And thanks for taking the time to comment. Love hearing people’s stories and ideas. You had good ones. Thank you!!

      Reply
  2. Sonia

    I loved reading this. It’s so true: you’re first love thrills you, breaks you, shapes you, and will really be a reference point for the ascent into womanhood ha! I always love sharing first love stories in a sacred woman space, so thank you for sharing so openly! It also brings back how insanely cruel high school society can be…I feel like I have forgotten some of the harder memories. How boring to be so such a one dimensional hate monger, right? Proud of you for surviving and growing, and recounting it all so hilariously and benevolently. xxx

    Reply
  3. Kendra

    Gosh…I ask myself this nearly too many times in a day!
    This question always leads to… am I actually still in love with him after 5 years apart? Or am I just in love with that feeling?
    My ex and I met my freshman year in college (he was a junior, I definitely was THAT freshman, like OMG “yea he’s a junior”), we met at a party and instantly clicked. Everything was great for a few months, but then long story short he wasn’t ready for emotions between us and got cold feet and ran off. Did I mention he also turned into a jerk too, like he clearly still had feelings for me but was too much of a pu**y to admit it and man up. Anyway after those few months we were on and off until he graduated.
    After he graduated we hung out like twice a year or so for the past 2 years because of his drunk calls, luring me in, and admitting things he would never admit to when he was sober. Then I moved to CA (6months ago).
    I saw him right before I left to say good bye and I thought that would be it. But I think he FINALLY realized what he had when it was gone. We’ve been keeping in touch, and I went back to Philly to visit so of course we met up for dinner…I have to be honest…it was so good to see him again, just to even be near him. The butterflies, the feeling when you can’t breathe, and everything came rushing back. Oddly enough, it felt like we were on a first date too haha. He definitely matured since he graduated, more than I thought he ever would. Like I actually consider him a man now, and not a boy whose trying to be cool and puts his feelings in a box that is locked with a deadbolt.
    He tells me, “I just want you to be happy, when you’re in SF ‘be there,’ just fully immerse yourself, you’ll never get a chance like this again” …so I’m here, wishing I was back east to date him again lol, but also realizing that I need to take advantage of what’s in front of me.
    The scary question is, will I ever love someone as much as I loved him? Maybe I should say “love him?”

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Aw shit 🙁 🙁 That’s a rough place to be in. On one hand, he didn’t see your worth for the longest time. Getting cold feet, being a jerk to you, leaving you on the back burner all the time and not willing to fully commit to you… none of that is cool. However, he was younger then. I’m assuming early twenties. 95% of guys in their early 20’s are more about being selfish and having fun. *rolls eyes* lol

      You seem to really love the guy. I’m sure he does care about you. To me– he sounds selfish and self-serving but masks it well by “speaking” of good intentions. I could totally be wrong! Just my initial gut reaction.

      If it was me personally… regardless of my feelings for him- I would give it at least another 6 months to a year before even considering him again. See what else is out there. Explore, explore, explore. Date other people. Make new friends. Take in the city whole heartedly! I think you owe it to yourself.

      You asked if you’d ever get over him. If you *really really really* want to then YES. You definitely will. It’ll be hard but you WILL. If part of you wants to stay in the “grey” with him (which would look like texting him now and then, dates when you’re in the same city, checking his socials all the time, etc…) then no.. you won’t. I bet you are one hell of a woman– plenty of men out there who will appreciate you and who would want to choose you again and again each day. You’ll know what to do, lady. Keep us posted though- whether you end up with him or not! Rooting for you. MUCHO LOVE!

      Reply

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