First loves are so naive they almost don’t count… yet they were so special at the time, we know they did.
My first love, we were young… teenagers. Certainly wrong for each other and as life went the way it was supposed to, we eventually went our separate ways. Yet those years we spent together, ooooh baby… that sure felt like love.
But unless you end up together, we know first loves aren’t everything. But I do think this: innocently, it’s one love we’ll always remember. One we can always draw upon on what it felt like. Because first loves are a beautiful thing– so erratic and unchartered. When it happens, you think to yourself: they are the one! They are IT. Only in hindsight do we see how silly we were. But man, if you can smile upon that time later… you can’t knock the first-time-love kind of feeling, can you? It’s exceptional because that rush you felt (the rush, not the love), that exact rush- you’ll probably never feel again until you’ve found THEE actual one. (The meant one!)
Here’s my story.
Like many, my first love took place in high school. Together all 4 years- on and off. The last year being long distance when he joined the Military.
He was the most romantic jerk you’d ever met. But I loved him. My God I loved him. And how sincerely… immaturely… entirely— he had loved me.
He was wild and always getting into trouble. I was the “nice girl.” High school cliche? 100%!
I still remember a 14 year old freshman me, seeing a 15 year old sophomore him for the first time. Our school’s football teams were playing each other and I met him that night through mutual friends. He was in Tommy Hilfiger overalls (lol) and he had a girlfriend.
He… was a total flirt. Also a jock. Well liked. Me… I was innocent, clumsy…. bad eyebrows. (I’d like to think charming though- ha!) I was so nervous to talk to him. He said to me, (first words I shit you not) “Hey, wait… you’re that girl who fell down the bleachers a few weeks ago at that one game huh?!”
Greattttttt. (Oh yes I was that girl. And still limping from it.) “Oh, you saw that? Uh, well…”
Answering for him, his
bitch ass spiteful girlfriend: “UM Who DIDN’T see that?” (#NiceGirlsClub… she wasn’t about it.)
So I go home that night. Login into AIM. Screen name: DivaPeanut. 😛 Up pops his screen name. *Gush!* It’s a simple, “Hi. So… you’re cute!” I think: Omgomgomg. BUT, I say back: “You have a girlfriend! I can’t talk to you!” And I block him. I block my crush. So hard to make myself do. But even at 14, I had my standards. Hellllooo, not your side chick, bud! (Even though I’ll still totally obsess over you in private.) lol
A month later, I receive an email. “I don’t have a girlfriend anymore! Can I please have your number? I really want to talk to you.” Uh, hell yes. GREEN LIGHT let’s do the damn thing!
We end up talking on the phone for hours that night. When we hung up I had the giddiest most goofy smile on my face you’ve ever seen. Just laying there totally cheese-balling over this boy.
We ended up being together the next four years (on and off- mostly on) and… what can I say? We were two loony kids totally in love. Just stupidly smitten with each other.
The whole thing was nuts. In a good way. In a bad way.
We were best friends and our relationship, for the most part, was incredibly sweet and endearing.
We’d write love letters in class to give to each other after school. (So cheesy… loved it.)
We’d spend summers driving up to the mountains, long days at the lake, just the two of us. Sometimes we’d rent a row boat… LOL… like just add swans and you’ve got The Notebook. 😛
Every day, I knew he loved me. He always had a way of letting me know. Notes on my car… calling me every night. Holding my hand every chance he got. It was really freakin’ cute.
BUT, like I said, he was also a huge flirt. And not even that discreet about it. That made me insecure. That often cancelled out all the sweet stuff he’d do for me. I hated that part of him so much.
He also had a jealous side too- picking fights with any guy who he didn’t like talking to me. (Stupid. So stupid.)
And both of us had hot little tempers. Never hesitating to go there to make each other mad. We fought allllllll the time.
Our relationship was passionate… but not very healthy.
When he left for bootcamp (Marines), we bawled for hours before saying goodbye. It’d be 3 months of ONLY writing letters before I’d see him again. We wrote each other every single day. (I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR!!!) Hehe… had to… (Noah <3333) Anyway!
We wrote each other every day until the end of month two. What happened: I had come home from soccer practice one day to a message on the machine (2004!) … from a group of these mean, mean ass girls from his school. I replayed it probably 20 times so of course, I still remember it. (And I remember everything- ask anyone who knows me! heh.) Paraphrasing: “Hi Katey. We know you’ve heard rumors before, just letting you know they’re true. Your boyfriend’s been cheating on you the whole time. And we get why…. your nose is big, like, DUCK nose big. And your voice makes us cringe. Plus you have no boobs at all. So we’re not surprised. Oh.. and he’s slept with two of us by the way. So you really are an idiot. Have fun crying, BYE!”
I mean, there’s no other way to put it… I was devastated.
The rest of the summer was him denying it. Over and over and over again. It was also a long summer of those same girls leaving me duck noises on my answering machine every week. And side note, but about that… it was the most immature thing. I tried to ignore their little mean girl crew and wish that I had. Because *UGH*… the one time I answered the phone, I was SO infuriated I couldn’t even come up with a clever string of words to say. I believe I said something along the lines of, “YOU’RE JUST MEAN YOU… YOU… YOU STUPID JERKS!!”… Yup. I’m gangsta. You do NOT want to mess with me when I’m mad.
So while he was still at bootcamp, I end up seeing the main mean girl at a party. Oddly enough, she tries to dodge me by going upstairs the second she sees me. The hell?! But I’m drinking, so I run after her up the stairs and slam the door. In just 2 seconds, tears. (I’m sad! Plus… sometimes a drama queen.) I say to her, “now that you see me face to face… is it true? Because he says it isn’t and I’m going crazy. And I don’t know WHY you hate me, but I need to know if what you’ve been saying is just because you want to hurt me or because it really did happen.” She first says the only reason she’s even talking to me is because her new boyfriend wants her to be nicer... “even to stupid people.” Exact words. (Fuggin’ biotch.) THEN she shows me all these texts that confirm the rumors and what do I do? Lol… I awkwardly cry harder of course. Just balling, no words… while she literally just stands there, arms crossed, not knowing what to do. Probably didn’t expect that reaction from me haha. At this point, I am just… mascara cheeks. She must have felt bad because she tells me how guilty it made him feel. That he’d actually cry sometimes after and always wanted to stop (but umm.. didn’t!) because “it wasn’t fair” to me. She tried to justify it by saying they’d keep coming back because they “were once best friends and had a bond they didn’t want to let go.”
Uhm, what? THAT was your excuse for being okay with it all this time? Sorry but… yooze a hoe.
I hated her, but I put the blame on him. (As I should have.) I ended up leaving him right before I graduated. Never once looked back. Although I will admit he was changed for the better after the Marines. The Military will make a man out of a boy real quick. He wanted to make it work but it was just too painful to try again. There was no way I could ever get past it.
Years later we met up and he was STILL apologizing. But I’d forgiven him. Time heals, I was over it. He made mistakes. And we were SO young. His apologizes were always so genuine though. I appreciated it.
“I’m so sorry… I really, really loved you.” He’d say. And I’d just smile…“I know you did.” I had really loved him too, once.
Most first loves, while real, are ridiculous. Fun to think about now and then but most of us long since concluded that it wasn’t meant to be with that person. But innocently, I’ll always remember the feeling behind that first kiss, the school dances, the staying up late to talk on the phone. It was this heightened passion that just energized and never seemed to quit. I’ve loved after him, but I haven’t felt that distinct rush, since.
This is what I believe today: I truly think we will only feel that exact “first love” rush again just one more time in our lives. And that is when we find the REAL one and only. The soulmate. Our hearts will go, “WTF is this? This is new! I’ve never felt this before!” THAT is the one that really counts in the end. That one will take the cake for me. <3
When was the last time you thought about your first love? Did you learn anything from it? Good memories? Bad? Share!
**P.S: Before you ask. I’m in no rush, y’all. I can get sappy… I’m a romantic… but I’m fine being selfish until I’m truly ready to let someone to annoy me all the time! lol. I admit, love is the best though. 😉