It’s important to have emotionally “pure” moments sometimes. No blocking anything out. No trying to ignore it. Or call whatever “it” is something different.

Just honesty with yourself.

My Grandpa passed away almost three weeks ago. I feel broken. We were best friends. He read every single thing I ever wrote from my high school days to college to my first blog to The Violet Fog. Everything. And he would call me after every new article to tell me his opinion. He didn’t always like what I wrote but he was completely invested in me and my work and was one of my biggest cheerleaders. My biggest fan. Every time I hit “publish” I’d picture his face and wonder- what’s Grandpa going to have to say about this one?

To imagine my writing career going on without him in the background is painful for me right now. The excitement I have for writing and Violet Fog just feels dull without him. I’m distracted. I miss him. I miss him so much. But I felt the same thing after my Grandma passed and after while I did get on with it. (As I should.)

It’s crazy how when someone dies you realize parts of yourself that was impacted by them that maybe you didn’t notice when they were around. I realize now how much I tied the memory of my Grandmother to my Grandpa. How being close to him made me feel close to her even after she was gone. I realize how much their belief in me really was a pillar for my confidence within my career. Confidence in myself. Like incredible Grandparents do- they made me a center in their world and pretty much thought I could do no wrong.

It is a blessing that I was so close to my Grandparents. My life with them was so meaningful. Memories I will treasure like gold for the rest of my time.

There’s a hole inside of me now. With a slow leak… recollections coming and going throughout each day that stop me in my tracks. When I think of my Grandpa I can’t smile yet because it is still just pain and only pain.

I keep face for everyone around me. I remain upbeat but mostly I feel like an empty shell. I do have genuine moments of laughter and happiness but I find I can’t grasp onto them for too long. It’s starting to feel like depression all over again and I worry I will go down that road but I’m just telling myself that I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Please God, keep me above water.

And I hate to say this, but for the first time I feel lonely. I think grief is easier when you’re in love with someone. And look, I appreciate the people who say “but you can easily get a date!”… dating is not the problem. Finding someone who I connect with is the hard part. But my God, would it be nice to have someone right now to comfort me a little bit. To be an anchor of strength and happiness. That’s something I have to be for myself. And will. But just for a moment of vulnerability… I’m lonely. I am.

It seems that every time something traumatic has happened in my life it’s always when I’m on my own. A part of me is grateful because I can honestly say I feel it in my bones when I look in the mirror and tell myself I am a resilient woman. A storm doesn’t scare me. I can get through it. I can get through anything. Just like I know I will get through this. I just… wish I could catch a break sometimes. I wish I didn’t have to always go it alone. (This is not to denote my family and friends because they are the greatest people on earth, it’s just different.)

But y’all.  I hate pity parties. So I’m not going to focus on my loneliness for too long. Right now I just miss my Grandpa. I long for strings of happy days and not just fleeting moments.

Losing someone- I just wonder. Does it just change you or should life change also? I almost feel like I just want a fresh start in every aspect because now everything hurts. I don’t feel like myself.

I guess I just gotta give it time. I hope everyone else is doing okay! I realize I have a platform to write and express myself so I want you, Violets, to know that I too am available if you need to just write someone and get it out. Whatever you’re going through. I don’t always have advice but I’m a good listener and I don’t shy away from tough topics! Love you guys. Thanks for being a part of the community. <3

My email is Katey@VioletFog.com PS. I’m serious. Write me. 

Katey Yurko
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

6 Responses

  1. Sarah

    I lost my grandma a few years ago, and it still hurts sometimes. She was such a huge part of my life! The thing that has helped me over these couple of years is seeing the signs when she sends them. I one hundred percent believe that when our loved ones leave us they are always communicating in some way. My grandma loved birds and I will randomly see a bird that I’ve never seen in the area before and know that it’s her. She’s come to me in a couple of dreams, too, which I’ve learned (if you believe in that sort of thing, which I do) means that their spirit actually enters your dream to visit you. I know they communicate through familiar smells as well! Its never easy to lose someone, but if you believe in signs like I do, that may help relieve some of the pain and loneliness! Keep your chin up.. time heals, and doing things that feel right in the moment will help too. ❤️

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I appreciate this very much, Sarah. It warms my heart when I hear of passed loves ones “visiting” their people still around. I hope that happens for me. What beautiful and kind words you sent me. It helps. Thank you girl. xx Katey

      Reply
  2. Lindy

    i lost my dad about 13 years ago. i definitely have waves of sadness that come and go but i also think how lucky i am to have had an amazing dad who i deeply mourn and miss. i am sad we didnt have many more years to share but i am truly grateful for the times we did have. and the gratitude can help deal with the pain. reading your words about your relationship, it seems as though you had a wonderful, unique connection to your grandpa and that is something to always hold close and cherish.
    i also find it helpful (and this is me, i understand that this may not be effective for others) to remember how lucky i am, how much worse others have it. i started volunteering at st anthonys about a year and a half ago and that has been really fulfilling for me. i also have done a daily gratitude app.
    Lastly, i recently read Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and i thought it offered some interesting ideas about grief and resiliency.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Linda thank you so much for your kind words and also taking the time to share your own story. I am so sorry about your Dad. I bet you also had an incredible relationship! I agree with you and feeling grateful about the good times and how many people don’t event to experience something so special. I take your words to heart- and I am checking out that book. 🙂 -Katey P.S So awesome you are volunteering! I have a soft spot for the Tenderloin- they have a true community there.

      Reply
  3. Peter J

    I’m a male so maybe a different perspective, but I lost my sister a long long time ago and one of my closest friends to leukemia as a kid. I am not sure we as humans understand death and if you get into energy and whatever you believe in , who really knows what happens, but I think we move on but never forget.

    I lost my sister a really really long time ago. She was just a kid. As was I. For whatever reason it changed my life far more than my brothers. And when I was younger I honestly prayed many days why it wasn’t me and not her. The I’m not worthy and why am I here and not her philosophy.

    I can write this now as an older person, even though many days I feel and act like an 18 year old. But as a teenager it was hard for me to believe why she had heart problems and not me

    My friend was here one day and gone that summer. He didn’t cry. Whine. Complain. But it wasn’t easy. And really now looking back at it, who was I just a friend when he had a brother and sister. And even in my own life my mom lost her daughter and father(my grandfather) in the same year.

    I’m not sure what I’m trying to say honestly. Sometimes life seems unfair. And it is. Life just sucks sometimes. Why I remember trips to the hospital and getting lost to see my sister and not much else the 5-10 years after, who knows. Mental blocks. Maybe.
    And all the meditation and yoga and positive energy seem like some marketing gimmick. Sometimes life hurts. It really sucks sometimes.

    And for me the saying “things happens for a reason” wants me to punch somebody in the face really…it’s a terrible terrible saying, but who really knows how to act around death ?

    My father was a 10 year marine veteran. I hated him at times as a kid. But he was this hardened military man from before the Vietnam war. And his father (my grandfather that I never met) was a Calvary horse ww1 vet. Long story short, this hardened man , my father , cried when my grandmother passed away. And she was in bad shape for years for various reasons.

    It opened a side of my father I honestly never knew. He was 60+ year old man then and I was close in my mid twenties then and I never saw my father shed a tear before then. Why he cried spoke volumes about his mother…a woman I honestly only remember as a grandmother that didn’t really remember much because of alzheimers.

    I’ve rambled on way to much for a couple Months old Post. And way too my story and not yours. I’m really sorry for your loss. It seems like you have lots of great connections with your grandfather, grandmother and others before and after. It makes sense. They sounded like great people. You are obviously a wonderful amazing human being. And I’ve become a person that believes in energy and tries to keep positive vibes. So whatever you believe, the energy doesn’t disappear. It passes through others. So all the love and energy your grandfather gave you passes within you to others. And you make it your own. And in whatever way, he’d be proud or the ‘positive energy police’ would be smiling.

    Try and keep the positive energy flowing. And remenr him. Make others remember him. As they say ‘100 years is nothing’ but it’s a long long trip. All we can do is try and spread positive vibes and have others spread that as well. Many of us get lost along the way.

    I would say everybody would be proud and smiling around you. You’re amazing. Keep spreading your positive messages.

    Reply

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