It’s important to have emotionally “pure” moments sometimes. No blocking anything out. No trying to ignore it. Or call whatever “it” is something different.
Just honesty with yourself.
My Grandpa passed away almost three weeks ago. I feel broken. We were best friends. He read every single thing I ever wrote from my high school days to college to my first blog to The Violet Fog. Everything. And he would call me after every new article to tell me his opinion. He didn’t always like what I wrote but he was completely invested in me and my work and was one of my biggest cheerleaders. My biggest fan. Every time I hit “publish” I’d picture his face and wonder- what’s Grandpa going to have to say about this one?
To imagine my writing career going on without him in the background is painful for me right now. The excitement I have for writing and Violet Fog just feels dull without him. I’m distracted. I miss him. I miss him so much. But I felt the same thing after my Grandma passed and after while I did get on with it. (As I should.)
It’s crazy how when someone dies you realize parts of yourself that was impacted by them that maybe you didn’t notice when they were around. I realize now how much I tied the memory of my Grandmother to my Grandpa. How being close to him made me feel close to her even after she was gone. I realize how much their belief in me really was a pillar for my confidence within my career. Confidence in myself. Like incredible Grandparents do- they made me a center in their world and pretty much thought I could do no wrong.
It is a blessing that I was so close to my Grandparents. My life with them was so meaningful. Memories I will treasure like gold for the rest of my time.
There’s a hole inside of me now. With a slow leak… recollections coming and going throughout each day that stop me in my tracks. When I think of my Grandpa I can’t smile yet because it is still just pain and only pain.
I keep face for everyone around me. I remain upbeat but mostly I feel like an empty shell. I do have genuine moments of laughter and happiness but I find I can’t grasp onto them for too long. It’s starting to feel like depression all over again and I worry I will go down that road but I’m just telling myself that I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Please God, keep me above water.
And I hate to say this, but for the first time I feel lonely. I think grief is easier when you’re in love with someone. And look, I appreciate the people who say “but you can easily get a date!”… dating is not the problem. Finding someone who I connect with is the hard part. But my God, would it be nice to have someone right now to comfort me a little bit. To be an anchor of strength and happiness. That’s something I have to be for myself. And will. But just for a moment of vulnerability… I’m lonely. I am.
It seems that every time something traumatic has happened in my life it’s always when I’m on my own. A part of me is grateful because I can honestly say I feel it in my bones when I look in the mirror and tell myself I am a resilient woman. A storm doesn’t scare me. I can get through it. I can get through anything. Just like I know I will get through this. I just… wish I could catch a break sometimes. I wish I didn’t have to always go it alone. (This is not to denote my family and friends because they are the greatest people on earth, it’s just different.)
But y’all. I hate pity parties. So I’m not going to focus on my loneliness for too long. Right now I just miss my Grandpa. I long for strings of happy days and not just fleeting moments.
Losing someone- I just wonder. Does it just change you or should life change also? I almost feel like I just want a fresh start in every aspect because now everything hurts. I don’t feel like myself.
I guess I just gotta give it time. I hope everyone else is doing okay! I realize I have a platform to write and express myself so I want you, Violets, to know that I too am available if you need to just write someone and get it out. Whatever you’re going through. I don’t always have advice but I’m a good listener and I don’t shy away from tough topics! Love you guys. Thanks for being a part of the community. <3
My email is Katey@VioletFog.com PS. I’m serious. Write me.