*Le Sigh*…. As much as I like to advocate for women supporting other women, as much as I’m a huge champion for #GirlPowerBaby!… I have done my fair share of unjust hatin’ on some fellow females.

Not a lot– I truly think of myself as a girl’s girl and I’ve always been conscious of being good to those around me and loving people as much as I can. But I ain’t perfect.

I think to some degree we are all guilty of some girl on girl hatin’. And perhaps talking about it can help the cause of eradicating it in the first place. During a time when we need to be lifting each other up now more than ever, I think we could all be working on bettering our hearts… on being even more open-minded and non-judemental as we possibly can be, right?

We’ve got to stop looking for stupid reasons to hate on other girls. It only breeds negativity in our own lives and the lives of others. It seriously does nothing for girl world. And makes us look petty.

So I’ll take one for the team and air some of my dirty laundry in hopes that we can all think of “those girls” who pop into our heads that we’ve unfairly judged, and let that shit go. For ourselves, for girl world!

Okay. Let me set the scene.

It’s 3+ years ago. I’m living in San Diego. At this time I am running my own styling business and still have my old fashion blog, Yurkstyle… <—-snapchat username, btw. I’m working full-time for a nightlife and restaurant company as I’m trying to pioneer my own businesses as a sassy independent woman!

It’s a weekend, and one of my clients at the time calls me to tell me about this launch party downtown near my work for these two girls who are launching their own brand/youtube channel thing. (I’ll refrain from specifics, just in case.) He tells me they’re his friends and I should totally go to meet them and support.

So I’m thinking, hell yeah I’m going to go! Girl power I love women doing their own thing! I am so there. Personally I didn’t know of too many women in San Diego at the time who were trying to launch their own business, so I was really excited for these girls without even knowing them. I really did want to support.

I checked out one of their blogs beforehand and automatically thought the girl and I could be buds because she seemed as much of a wellness freak as I was. I was stoked to root her on in taking her branding to the next level, because I agreed with a lot of the stuff she wrote about.

So night of: I have work, but I get downtown an hour early so I can stop by and show some support at this launch party. Now people… I’m an introvert, I don’t just go to parties where I don’t know majority of the people. If it’s that kind of party, I’m there because I believe in the cause or think I’m doing some kind of good by being there.

So I get there… and I’m standing there with my client and another friend who knows these girls and one of the two (the one whose blog I had just checked out) comes up to say hello and greet us.

Only she says hi to my client and my friend… but not me. She engages in conversation with them, thanking them for coming out for her, but makes ZERO eye contact with me as if I’m not even a person standing there. (This is how I’m seeing it, at least.) So they engage for a few minutes, she’s thanking them graciously for coming -clearly not thanking me lol- and as she scoots off to the next group in the room, she gives me the up and down. You know, the head to toe glance-stare thing us females sommmetimes do to other females we either don’t like or are unsure of for whatever reason. She gives me the up and down and turns on her heels and walks away.

In my mind, I’m like… what the f*ck? I was so excited to congratulate this girl, so happy to support a fellow business gal doing her own thing, and that happens?

And from there on out, not only did I have a bad taste in my mouth about her, but I would literally rip her to shreds, verbally, whenever one of my girlfriends brought her up. (Some people I am/was close with know her. And the “industry” in San Diego at the time was fairly small.)

You guys. Because of that one incident, I legit decided that I hated this girl. But what was worse, is I started hate-following her because I also really liked her content. It pissed me off so much! Why did I have to like her content but not like her?! I hated that her and I were alike on so many things. So many things. Like she is also an avid user of rose hip oil. Uses the same collagen mix in her smoothies as I do. Loves dry-brushing as much as I do and we’re also equally nutso about sunscreen. She even JADE-rolls her face… I jade-roll my face, and I thought I was the only person in America who did that. (Yes I’ll write a post!) I also tended to agree with her most of the time on her views with marketing and business. So in a nutshell I hated that I found her credible lol…

Do I sound ridiculous? Yeah… that’s because I was 100% being ridiculous. Like I can’t even TELL YOU how ridiculous I was being. It’s actually embarrassing.

One of my best friends, Hope, had actually been her cocktail waitress multiple times when she and her crew would come in to one of the nightclubs the company I worked for represented. A year or so after we both no longer worked there, I was visiting Hope and we were in her bathroom getting ready for a night out. She was like, “here, use this clip to keep your hair out of your face, it’s the best… I read it on ______.” I looked at her and was like, “Ugh, you know I don’t like that girl.”

And Hopey, bless her sweet little soul, was like… “I know you’re not going to like this, but she’s actually REALLY nice. Like really nice. Probably one of my favorite people who ever came in. I really think you read that situation wrong.” And I was just like, “Nope! Don’t care! I don’t like her.” (And damnit– that clip was the best clip I’ve ever used to keep my hair up without kinking it as I got ready.)

Then my old business partner, Cynthia, knew her from San Diego. And I’m not kidding you, whenever she’d bring up this girl I would be SUCH A BITCH in being like, “No! We are not supporting her!!” <—– Which I’m just shaking my head at now, because that attitude is exactly against everything I stand for with Violet Fog.

But little by little my heart started to soften for this girl because the more energy I spent on hating her the more I actually realized we had things in common. She loved her Grandma so much (My Grandma and I had also been best friends) and she was legit as crazy as I was about wellness stuff. For instance, anytime I’ve brought up ashwagandha root to any of my friends, they look at me like I’m nuts. “Ashwag-what???” And then… she wrote a post that mentioned ashwagandha lol. (It’s the BEST for stress, anxiety, brain power… I’ll do a post on that too.) Anyway–  the more I spotted similarities in interests and other things, the more I started to soften. And the more I also felt pathetic for reading content by someone I claimed to not even like.

And then one night I had a thought. I was so one-sided in how I saw that MINOR situation go down in the first place. Like she could have given me the up and down for reasons I wasn’t even considering. And it was such a little thing to base my whole attitude on her about! 

But okay, the up and down stare. What if that was actually a closed party and my ass just showed up uninvited? Or what if one of her best friends didn’t like me for some reason… like if I once went on a date with the guy she’s dating or something. Or what if I unknowingly turned down her cousin? Her brother? LOL… those are possible situations! Or what if she had came into my work once before and I had done something she thought was rude? What if I’m just SO WRONG and being WAY over dramatic in the way I took that stare in that moment? Or- maybe she was shy? Hell, I don’t know!

But I realize how f*cking dumb I had been for drawing up conclusions that had no backing to them. And I realize how I’m not that girl who hates on girls for no reason… but here I was, hating on a girl for NO VALID REASON. And following her, but not liking any of her stuff, or sharing it. RIDICULOUS.

So I guess my point is… hating other girls instead of supporting them (especially when we actually like something about them) does nada ONE positive thing for girl world. And I’m going to try my very best to never hate-follow another girl ever again. Even if it was just once, I want to continue to put good energy towards my fellow females and not take it away. Ya feel me?

Who else has stories? I know I’m not the only one! 😉

P.S: I’m totally going to email this to that girl and if she’s cool with it, I’ll even let you know who she is. She has some AWESOME content that I’m totally align with that I’d love to share with you guys on this publication.

Mucho love! xx

***UPDATE***
I emailed the girl just as I said I would, and here was email back to me:

Hi Katey!

Ahhh, just saw this! AMAZING READ. You’re a great writer!

It’s crazy because I have NOOOO idea what you’re talking about the party— that party was NUTS (which is why we did a small, small wedding) because there was TOO many people. I hate that you weren’t acknowledged. Please know I would never be intentionally mean to another women, it’s not my vibe. That night was overwhelming & there was too many people to greet!

Regardless, I loved the read & I think it’s awesome the community you’re creating.

Again, thank you for sharing and being so transparent— so sorry if I made you feel bad, that’s never my intention.

–Lauryn

SO it just goes to show how wrong our assumptions usually are and why we really need to be more open-minded about people and certain situations. 🙂 By the way– Her blog is called The Skinny Confidential, and I absolutely love it.

Katey Yurko
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

9 Responses

  1. Sarah

    I feel this way about a couple of gals, too. Both of them I know personally – I think sometimes, some people just rub us the wrong way. If we were all meant to get along then we’d all be at peace (which, sadly, is not the case). I try hard to push my feelings aside and to rise above my lack of tolerance for certain people, but sometimes, weak moments get the best of me!

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I think you put it perfectly– weak moments getting the best of us sometimes. And let’s face it, PERFECT communication at all times is impossible. Thanks for reading and supporting VF! xx, Katey

      P.S– I updated the article with the girl’s response!

      Reply
  2. Kia

    Soooo did you end up reaching out to the girl? Are you friends now? Did you find out what that stare down was about? This is kind of an open-ending…it would be more effective if it closed out with disproving your assumptions about her stare. There’s a lot of people that SAY they’re for girls, but there’s not too many that stick to it.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Kia! I agree. So many people are all talk and no walk. I ended up emailing the girl as promised and I included her response at the bottom. So the article is updated and no longer open ended. 😉 Thanks for reading and giving your input! Appreciate the meaningful convo. xx, Katey

      Reply
  3. Gina

    Girl, it’s totally ok for you to have the feelings you have. You don’t have to beat yourself up that you aren’t a supportive “girl’s girl” over this one isolated incident. It’s not like she was just a fellow guest at an event. She was the host at her party and she should have made everyone there feel welcome. Three years later, she could say she doesn’t remember the incident and you’ll never know if that’s true. Definitely let it go because it’s not worth your agony, but you did nothing wrong by being disappointed at someone else’s poor etiquette toward you. Does that moment define who she is? Maybe, maybe not. You’re not judging her as a person, but we’re allowed to identify behavior we don’t like in others whether it comes from a woman or not. That’s the part of your conscience which identifies who YOU want to be (or who you don’t want to). Because I know you would never treat a guest at YOUR party that way, especially now. Being supportive of other women doesn’t mean accepting everyone’s crap. Maybe being supportive is telling her she was rude and exclusionary in that moment so she can learn to be self aware and you can both be better for it. Guess what? You still won’t be perfect, and it’s ok! I’ve been in similar situations and ended up being best friends with the other girl. True story. And P.S., your friend should have introduced you to her at that party when she was talking to them with you standing right there. Have you addressed that??

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Gina, you bring up SO many good points. I never thought about the whole situation being an identifier of who *I* want ( or don’t want) to be as a person. That’s so crazy you had a similar situation and ended up being best friends with the girl! I actually updated the article and included the girl’s response… turns out I read everything totally wrong and was just being silly about the the whole thing. 😉 I included her response at the bottom! Thanks for writing in and supporting Gina. Truly means a lot! xx, Katey

      Reply
  4. erica robinson

    I SO relate to this post! First off, your writing is on point Katie. Every time I read your posts I’m high fiving a million angels for your vulnerability, humor and honesty. Second off, I’ve been this girl. Although to be fair my story is more about hating on a dude. But for something so dumb. I moved to DC after college and coming from a small town and a college an hour away from said small town, I was doing fine making friends but definitely missed my NC peeps. Cut to one day at work receiving an email with a joke on it that had clearly been forwarded 18 bajillion times. I scrolled down to read people’s comments and when I got to the bottom I realized the original sender was this guy I went to high school and college with, let’s call him Max McAllister. Now Max and I weren’t great friends or anything like that, but we’d known each other for a long time and his best friend in high school was my high school boyfriend, so like, we had hung out a lot. I’d been privy to his first heartbreak which was pretty brutal. He was a popular well liked guy, salt of the dang earth reputation. So I responded directly to him and was like, Hey Max! So good to see a familiar name in the city. How are you? We emailed back and forth and I said “would love to go to happy hour or grab drinks sometime, it would be nice to hang out with someone from Fraggle Rock (not the name of our hometown… protecting the innocent). And Max McAllister NEVER responded. Oh my blood boiled. How dare this guy snub me! Did he think he was too good for me? Did he think I was hitting on him? As if! I was absolutely mortified and offended. And right then and there I swore on my stuffed animal’s life that if I ever ran across Max McAllister in our nation’s capitol I would give him a piece of my mind. My best friend did not know him and was horrified she may have to witness this throw down but I warned her, nothing would stop me. I did not care where said throw down would be, but I would let him know exactly what I thought of him and his snub. Oh he would RUE the day he dared to not respond to my email. Even during my move from DC to Wisconsin I was literally complaining at my go away party that I couldn’t believe I never got my chance to confront Max McAllister. About a year later I was home over the holidays visiting from grad school, getting drinks with a friend and guess. who. walked. in. That’s right, Mr. Max McAllister. And I forgot. I literally forgot my five year grudge. I gave him a hug, caught up for a bit and then left to drive back to my parent’s place. About halfway home I realized what I’d done. And while I was sad (I mean hela, five year grudge ain’t easy to let go of) but I was okay with it. And then I was like, Oh my God this is the dumbest thing ever. Who knows why he didn’t respond. Who cares. My assumptions led me to cursing his name for years when I’ve spent real human time with him and in those times he has always been incredibly kind and warm. I let it go and while I won’t say I don’t lick that wound sometimes I for the most part and back to being team McAllister. He’s a good guy and that whole thing was on me for losing my mind unnecessarily.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Ohhhhh shiz!! You forgot to say something to Max?!?! I was sitting here with popcorn reading your story ready for a verbal show down! LOL. I think it’s awesome you took the high road and I also think it’s awesome you wrote in and shared your story! Feels good to get that stuff off your chest huh? I appreciate your support with VF so much. Meaningful convo is what builds this community! By the way, I updated the article with the girl’s response. I emailed her as I said I would. 😉 xx, Katey

      Reply

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