***I have a 2018 update to this story, how it all panned out, at the end.***

A tale as old as time: When an ex reaches out.
A question as old as the tale: what to do when an ex reaches out.

Especially… when you’re still not over the person. 

Alright– real talk (as always)…. I’m *still* not completely over the guy I wrote about months ago.

Months and months ago. What the actual f*ck. Get some coffee or wine… we’re going deep here.
I guess I’m writing this because I’m certain there are other girls out there who are finding themselves months (maybe even years) down the road after ending a relationship and they still can’t kick the memories of a guy. (Or girl.) Or they still find themselves missing him. Upset with him. Whatever whatever… you get it. Basically asking themselves, “How the heck am I STILL not over this guy?!?”

Reaching out to an ex…. don’t.

God Bless the souls that can get over someone in a near instant. I don’t think it means love was never there for them, I just think that perhaps those people choose to look at things more logically and are more pro-active in making moves to get over someone. Or they are just good at fooling us. 
Me? I’m nostalgic. I’m emotional. When I hurt, I hurt hard. And true to my creative nature, I need to express it.
Still keeping my dignity in tact of course. You won’t find me texting or calling my exes. (Only writing about them sometimes haha.) You won’t find me crying about them for the 100th time to my friends. Maybe only 99 times. 😛 You won’t find me sub-tweeting them. None of that. No “fishing” for them to reach out to me… I don’t do that. It’s dangerous. 
Once I sense that my friends (and Mom… hi Mom!) are “over” hearing about my heartbreak, I stop talking about it out loud. Completely. And that’s not to say my friends are cruel and forbid me from talking about it- they’re actually the best because they want to see me move forward. They know I wallow. They know me talking about it again and again doesn’t help after awhile. It does the opposite.
I’m a romantic. I get stuck in memories. In what could have been. And maybe you can relate to this. It’s okay for moments, actually quite healing in moments… but in the long run, returning to old memories over and over again can hold you back. Keep you from being open to the next love.
*Le Sigh*… I’ll sit at home on a Saturday night and submerge into a pool of emotions. Where no one can see me. Where music seeps into my ears and thoughts flow from mind to paper. Not just about love, but life in general. It makes for a successful writer, but can sometimes get me in a funk. 
The next day though… you bet your ass that I GET UP and put on a cute ass outfit and don’t think about him for awhile. 😉 My Mama taught me that!
You know…I don’t think about him until I check his Instagram again. Or his (possibly new girlfriend?)’s Instagram. And every time I feel more and more disappointed in myself.
Have you ever had a friend open up your Instagram account (or Facebook) and they see your ex in your recent searches? CRINGE.
I mean… it’s been over a year now and whether my friends know it or not, I’m still thinking about this guy as I lie awake at night. Not every night anymore, but a lot of them.
It sucks– and girls, if this is you as well… just know I relate so much.  It’s taken time, but we are still going to make it to the other side. You’re allowed to be sad, you’re not allowed to give up!
It’s odd, I can be heartbroken but still enjoy dating. I urge all my heartbroken ladies to start dating the second they even entertain the idea that they might be ready. I’m so boy crazy for AVAILABLE cute men. I have had a fun dating life in San Francisco. Great flings with great men. (<—nothing more than making out though… I’m a prude LOL #QueenOfBlueBalls)… But yes, I’ve met so many great guys! And it helps.
BUT STILL… I have not found the “one” to get me totally over my ex. And look, I am working on myself, my business… all that. I’m confident. I’m ready to rock. But I AM someone who doesn’t get over someone entirely until someone else more significant enters the picture. It’s just how it’s always been for me. 
I’d rather be a little heartbroken than be with someone who I can’t see myself with long term. Once I know, I know. I cut em loose. I don’t like to waste time when it comes to matters of the heart.
Dating makes single life fun and makes for fabulous stories and experiences, but I’m not certain it’ll fully get ya over someone. BUT KEEP DATING. It’s nice to have flirt buddies and sweet guys who will compliment you. 🙂 Flex that flirt muscle and remind yourself you still got it. Your “got it” never left!
Back to the guy, I have not talked to him since June. He didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he still wanted me in his life but didn’t want to give me the closure I needed to get over him. I’m thinking… one of those times when you still want to keep someone warm just in case. You know? Can’t blame the guy, we’ve all done it… but I couldn’t stick around for that. I knew he loved me as a person. But I loved him, loved him. Going from girlfriend to just his friend hurt too much. We were attracted to each other, had a great relationship… so I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. Still don’t. 

It’s hard. I hate that I still have feelings for him. On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. I was in my room dance-cleaning (it’s a thing) and I actually had to sit myself down at my desk, my phone in both of my hands, before I opened his text.

I went back and forth with myself for an hour on whether or not I’d write him back. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

I wanted to write him back.


I didn’t respond. I can’t. I’m not as far along in being over him as I want to be. I can’t take the bait. It would set me back further and then I’d be even MORE upset with myself. I already feel pathetic meeting all these awesome men and yet I can’t totally shake this ONE guy who broke up with me.
So if you’re in the same boat as me and you KNOW your ex is not the one but you’re still heartbroken over him… keep getting over him. Keep dating. Keep figuring out exactly what you want and need and don’t waste your time.
AND IF HE DANGLES A CARROT… I urge you to swat that shit away. DON’T RESPOND if he reaches out! DM me instead. We can distract each other. I’m serious!

Add me on Instagram- I LOVE CONNECTING THROUGH DM’S! My handle is @TheVioletFog

I also have other articles on love/heartbreak for you to check out if you’re going through it: Just a quick search for HEARTBREAK will do the trick. 🙂 Not to be a downer, I do find that the more we can relate to people, the more we don’t feel alone. That’s why I like to write.

***UPDATE: Life goes on! I ended up meeting a wonderful guy a year later after I wrote this article and ended up moving for love. Keep your spirit up! There really are other fish in the sea.

What’s the longest it’s ever taken you to get over a guy? What thoughts do you have to add to this?
Katey Yurko
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

30 Responses

  1. Tiffany

    I feel this girl and I keep taking the bait. The swings get worse every time too. I’m honestly stuck between, “Hell, I don’t really care, do I?” and, “Please don’t forget about me. What if he changes his mind?” I mean, I’m pretty fabulous, how couldn’t he change his mind? And then, this thought creeps in, “If I’m so fabulous why not just throw my horseshoe?” To be real, dating sucks. It’s an interview, it’s logistics, it’s disappointment. Yes, it’s entertainment and possibility, but it’s mainly just a lot of noise. I’m a romantic reinassance-type. I love hard. I reach deep. SF is Never Never Land and this Wendy is ready for the Lost Boys to grow the F up.

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I love your analogy so much and thank you for chiming in!! PLEASE tell me you are about of our all girls Facebook group? It’s called Violet Fog Nice Girls Club… we talk dating all the time and I’d love to hear more of your insight. -Katey

  2. Regina

    My ex was so in love with me for 3.5 years. We were solid. Then suddenly she went cold. I begged at one point, asking where she went, what changed, how could she be so indifferent to me? Then she just broke up with me. Like I was a stranger. Everyday since then she calls to say she doesn’t want to break up but also still doesn’t want to be with me. I took the carrot every time, hoping the woman I used to know would come back. But after weeks of breadcrumbs, I asked her to stop contacting me. Her response? “Ok.” Hope is the enemy. That person is gone, dead, and they’re not coming back. Don’t take the bait!

  3. Martin

    Ohhh god.. I am a guy, and reading your story made me.. (NO I AM NOT GONNA ADMIT I DID CRY!!)
    Here is my story:
    2 years ago i moved out of my ex wifes apartment. We where done with each other. had therapy and everything together. We managed to part as friends (and still are). I moved to a new flat, and 3 weeks later i meet this girl that took my breath away. I really fell hard for her. She was not interested in anything other than friendship, and i was ok with that, thinking it was good for me to not jump into a relationship just yet. However, we became lovers, and then a couple. She told me she loved me, i told her i loved her. then she told me she did not want a relationship with me. But she still loved me… So i broke up. I though it was odd that someone who loved me did not want to be anything else than a lover, and i was hurt. A week later she came back and wanted the relation with me again. So we where together for a year. Then one day i needed to go for a 10 day course. during those days we would send messages to each other. She would send me selfies, telling me she missed me, i would respond that i missed her to. When i came back, she was not very keen to see me. I joked about it saying it was strange she missed me when she could not have me, and when i was available she had other things to do. 2 weeks later some friends at work have a “find a monster on tinder” competition. Guess what. There she was. my GF. with a tinder profile with the same pictures she had messed me just a few weeks ago. a very detailed text about what she was looking for as well. My workfriends poked fun at me. I threw up in the bathroom. angry and hurt, and humiliated by all my coworkers i erased her from all my social media and my phone. I broke up with her. Sitting in a park on a blanket in the summer sun eating a sallad together 2 days later she told me she had lost feelings for me. we parted.. but the next days the text messages started to come. She missed me. She cried all the time and felt awfull. 2 weeks later on my birthday she called with tears in her voice wishing me a happy birthday. You wrote: “On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. “. i understand that feeling. I had friends over for a barbecue and i had to go cry my eyes out, and then try and return to my party.. and everyone of my friends patted my on my back as if i was some broken child they needed to feel sorry for.. what a crappy party that turned out to be. I felt miserable. 5 days later it was her birthday. I phoned her. Asked what she meant with all the “i miss you” messages. Asking why she felt bad. She had no answer. i asked her straight out.. do you want me back.. her answer was no. I asked her to not contact me again. it hurt to much.

    a moth later i contacted her. we spent some time together. She wanted us to be friends. She told me she indeed had feelings for me. But getting back together was not what she wanted. She wanted no relationship.

    I know i will love her until i find a new love, or until she finds someone new. hope can fuel love for a long long time. Now i am just trying to be her friend hoping she will open up one day and explain what was going on so i can get closure. it doesent matter if i continue to see her or not. I will think of her anyways. This way i will get closure.. maybe.. she told me she did not want to talk about it. She wanted to wait a few months.. ?? why?

    And dating? Ha! have you ever had that strange feeling that comes from someone unmatching you 5 minutes before your supposed to meet for a coffe? No explanation.. and your wondering if maybe you unmatched the person by misstake while putting the phone in your pocket.. Welcome to my world

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog


      Ahhh. Let me just say that I love a guy who can dive into his feelings. Not only important for mental health but often creates such a supportive environment for whoever they end up with. What a crazy emotional story!!!! That girl does NOT deserve your time or energy. I can’t believe she treated you like such a throw-away person when you were so good to her. Yo-yo relationships suck, point blank. And I hope you find someone who treats love and relationships as seriously as you do.

  4. Lizzy P.

    My ex and I have been broken up for over a month. We had been dating for a year. 3 days before our breakup I asked him what intentions are with me. He asked if I wanted to move in with him and I let him know I was not ready for that. (I am divorced with a 3 year old and didn’t want to step into anything unstable without truly knowing where this was going)
    Here is how it went down. I was putting my son to bed and unbeknownst to me he goes through my phone (I keep no key lock on it). I fell asleep in my sons room and wake up when I heard my phone alarm in my room where my ex was. I climbed into bed but he felt distant. I asked If he was ok he said He was a little tired. He kisses me goodbye. At lunch time at work he sends me a text telling me that he is not upset but I have choices and he wants to walk away from the relationship and he won’t get into specifics but I know why. (At the time I didn’t know that he looked through my phone). When I got the message my heart skipped several beats I was sweating and had full on panic attack. For hours I begged him to call me and answer me. He wouldn’t take my phone call or text. 3 hours later he send me a phone number of my good friend a guy that I’ve know since I was 15 years old (half my life). I text my ex and tell him he is my friend and just that. My ex was convinced that I was in a relationship with him. He tried calling me but I didn’t hear the phone ring. He sent a text saying that I know you are with him I (I was in my bed alone sleeping) and told me what intentions he had for me. That was the week it all went down. I called back and no response. I text and told him I am going to chase him but we should talk by phone or un person to clear up this nisunderstanding and I am ready to talk when he is. That was Friday. Sunday.. I broke.. I called him. Then I texted and video messaged. Nothing he barely responded to my text. Telling me that i hurt him like his ex (according to him she left him because he didnt give her enough time. He was working the grave yard shift. She met another guy and left him. When me met he started working 9 to 5 then shifted to grace yard and I was some insecurities set in) did and just telling me it was over. Then I told him ok. I would leave him be. I didn’t contact him. Since then the only contact we’ve had was when he sent a a song called Lucid dreams via text 2 weeks after. I text him back telling him let’s talk. No response. I called him and he responds via text with ????. I then send him a text that I will leave him alone because I don’t deserve the silent treatment and being called dishonest for a dishonest thing he had done in the first place. I also told him he was playing games and I thanked him for our good times and wished him all the best. I continued working through my grief. This was hard for me because it was the first relationship after my divorce and I opened up to him when I thought I wouldn’t open myself up to anyone. I deleted pictures and text messages from my phone and boxed up gifts he sent. 1 month post break up he send me a message on Xbox live. We are gamers. I see him online but don’t reach out. He send me an a crying face Emoji. IDK was he making fun of me or was he feeling sad? I don’t know but what I do know is I cannot respond. My pride won’t let me do it. I reached out so much pleading for his attention and explanation…closure! And he sends me that? An emoji? I love him, but this is so exhausting. Should I let it go?

  5. Steve

    I relate to this WAY more than I wish I did. Sorry this will be a long story, I met this girl online just off of my campus about a year and a half ago, I had to wait about a month to get my car on campus so we took it slow and continued to just text each other. Our first date was set for Oct. 14, she cancels last second. She had a good excuse so I let it slide and rescheduled for the next week. She cancels again, this time because she “forgot to do the laundry”. This pattern of bad excuses continues until Halloween when she decides to just start rejected me outright because of anxiety. I keep at it (I’m stubborn like that and also get it because I have really bad anxiety to) all the way until March when she finally gives in and we go on a date. At this point my anxiety strikes at full force and I panic, she gets a bad vibe and accuses me of not liking her. I say nothing and we break up. We get back together 5 days later and don’t go on another date until late April, it goes amazing and I learn at that moment about my anxiety and how to control it. Then she decides to break up with me over text saying that she can’t be in a relationship and I drive to her house and calm her down. 2 weeks later I drive 3 hours back to my home for the summer and we go back to long distance aside from an absolutely amazing week in the summer where I fall in love with her. Early August roles around and I go on vacation about 9 hours from my house (13 from hers). She has the option of having me come up to her house or going camping with her parents that weekend which she really doesn’t want to do. So she says I have to stay the weekend with her and I say I don’t want to make that drive for a weekend and that turns into her freaking out at me again. I end up cutting my vacation short and driving the 13 hours to see my GF who doesn’t even pretend to be excited to see me and says I look cranky. The weekend goes well but I would have appreciated it if she at least looked happy to see me. Everything goes amazing from this point on and I fall in love with her. Up until late Sept when we started fighting constantly and she clearly wasn’t happy. We take a 2 week break in Oct and get back together the week of Halloween. She breaks up with me over text Nov 13th and that was it.

    Right before Christmas she reaches out to wish me a Merry Christmas, I take the bait and we start talking again. I ask if she’s thought about getting back together and she gives me an indiffinative “idk” and I get hopeful again and think we can salvage the relationship. We continue to talk and slowly heal when she texts me “hey babe”. My heart skips a beat in excitement and I reply “yes baby?”. 20 minutes later I get a “don’t be mad but that totally wasn’t for you”. Turns out she met a guy during our 2 week break and was cheating on me the rest of the relationship.

    Now I’m back to square one of the healing process and I really wish I didn’t take the bait and let her hurt me even more. Should have read this before having to learn the hard way that reaching back out to an ex will only result in more pain and suffering

  6. Is It Okay For A Significant Other To Be Friends On Social Media With An Ex? | Violet Fog

    […] I had an ex once that stayed friends with every single ex and old fling of his on Instagram and he liked and interacted with all of their photos. And guess what? Because of this digital tether, he’d often get texts from them. Thus always having their presence in his life- making less room for me. I knew he was never cheating on me. But you know how this STILL made me feel? I’m sure you can guess. […]

  7. Danielle

    I felt compelled to comment because I am going through this exact situation right now. This was my second serious relationship and the first time I was dumped and absolutely heartbroken for a solid month and a half. And I’m the same way, I really don’t ever truly move on from someone until someone else more significant comes into my life (gotta love being a hopeless romantic lmao). So, after 3 months of absolutely no contact between me and my ex ever since our break up, he finally reached out last night. He wants to grab coffee this week to catch up and that he “really misses being my friend and hates that we don’t talk at all.” When I saw this text I couldn’t help but feel all giddy, and immediately all the scenarios and thoughts of “what could be” flooded my mind and kept me awake all night. As tempting as it is to try and rekindle an old flame, I know in the long run it will end up being a lot of wasted time, energy, and unnecessary nights spent crying over the wrong person. It’s so hard to have a high emotional intelligence yet still have a heart of gold that just wants to love!!!

  8. Nancy powell

    we separated. I still love him, but some how feel its unfair. Why love someone who doesn’t love you back? Ive prayed & prayed for these months & nothing. He is still with his new girlfriend(whom he lives with) but it doesn’t mean I have to look for help The first weeks after the break up I was in my knees praying looking for help, them i fine a comment online how a Man help to restored relationship get ex lover back, ” so i decided to give a try cuz i love my boyfriend so much. so i contacted Dr. 😊💖💖💖 and told him all my problem and he gave me 100%guarantee that i will have my boyfriend back after the spell so i was gifted and lucky to have contacted him i did everything he asked of me and to my greatest surprise a day after the service, my boyfriend called me and apologized for what he did to me and ask for my forgiveness to come back home for me, I got really hurt & go through those moments in which he left me, after all Dr. did for me, i forgave him and he came back home with more love and happiness all thanks to Dr… So plz, if you need any help contact him too on this. You will see in conclusion you have to just trust the process, Robinson.buckler relationship helper

  9. Ronald

    This is very interesting but I don’t understand something. My ex girlfriend broke up with me. I started no contact and 2 months after she texted me and said: hi and hope you are doing well. Just wanted to say hello. 4 hours after I replied and sai: hi, I am doing well and hope you too, thanks. 1 day after she texted back: I am very happy to hear you are doing well. I am doing well too. I got a new job 3 weeks ago.. Smiley face. I am being polite and having class. Our breakup wasn’t bad at all. 1 day after I texted: congratulations on your new job, smiley face and hope you like it and glad to hear you are doing well. She replied 7 minutes after telling everything about her new job. Then she asked about my job and I said that I was doing something else and the other job will be back soon and I working hard on a steady job with benefits. I could realize that she wanted to know about my new job but I did not give her information about me, my life… She broke up with me.. Then she texted: that’s great.. Smiley face.  Then I said: I’ve been working hard to make things happen. This is about a new job that I want to start. She replied smiley face again. 15 minutes after I replied with 2 hands praying. It’s been 2 weeks now and I didn’t hear from her again. Holidays are coming and makes me very sad because I won’t be able to celebrate with her and her family. It hurts…
    Any idea why she texted me and vanished? This is very confusing and I really want to understand why..
    Thanks and I appreciate any help!

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Ronald! My heart goes out to you. I’m sure she’s a great girl. But if she broke up with you and isn’t trying to actively see you or actively tells you she loves you or misses you- then she is just being kind. She might just wants attention (my first guess) and I don’t think she at ALL wants to get back together with you. I know it hurts but you will meet someone else! Just stay warm to love and keep her in the past! You are not over her so don’t talk to her! Keep your distance! I wish you the best! xx Katey

  10. Nikki

    Yeah I literally am still hung up and just broken over break up. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to him. He reached out and says “please don’t hate me and I hope you are doing ok and I smile when I hear our songs”…. I’m like “wow I don’t like you and I literally cannot listen to our songs I cry and I’m fine” But I have not responded. I wish I could be where hes at but emotionally its too much emotionally for me. I want to move on with my life. Just baffles me that he doesn’t realize what and ass he was. Its a lot easier as you stated to not even go there if your not over it. Its only a set back. I know everyone handles situations differently. I’ll be laying awake tonight because he reached out again! Maybe not but I am so over it, the whole sad thing and I lost love of my life and will I ever have a SINGLE day when I don’t think about our wonderful memories. But everything happens for some type of wonderful reason. LOL. Best wishes to all who are in the same boat !! Thank you VIOLET FROG for you sincere thoughts, glad to know we are not alone on this journey.

    • Lissa Taylor

      How are you doing now? Me and my fiancé ended things less than two months ago and I moved out. I feel like I’m in a fog. He tries to call and check on me a couple of times a week but I think it sets me back farther. He was such a big part of my life plus I’m not from this area so my social circle is very small. I’d love to hear some advice. Godspeed

      • Violet Fog
        Violet Fog

        Oh Lissa I am so sorry you to hear this 🙁 You must be going through such a rough time. Heartache is the worst. I have written a few articles on heartache- I hope they help if you ever get to reading them. I would say the constant contact is 100% holding you back. I truly believe in going cold turkey NO CONTACT. Give yourself room for growth and to learn to be without him- because you WILL be forever without him. You will find love again if you stay warm to it! Don’t grow cold and don’t give up. In order to get over him, GRIEVE him. It gets HARDER before it gets easier but be willing to go through that so that you can reach the light at the end of the tunnel! I am @TheVioletFog on IG if you ever want to check in! Wishing you the best and thank you for supporting VF by reading. xx Katey

  11. Zack

    Ronald, I had an ex text me after 5 years of nc. She went from hot to cold and dumped me via text message 5 years before. It really messed me up for a long time. She sent me a text after 5 years to say she was sorry about my dad passing away. The weird thing is my dad had passed away 2 years before her text. I was surprised she still had my number. Maybe she found it on fb. The text was just small talk and that was it. Two more years went by until she sent me a fb request. Unfortunately I accepted only to see photos of her with her long time boyfriend. She looked so happy. It broke my heart all over again. I gave it a couple weeks to see if she would send a message but that never happened. I knew that I had to unfriend her..It just hurt too much. 6 years has gone by and she probably didn’t even notice that we are not fb friends anymore. It sounds like your ex is playing games just like my ex did. Maybe she sends you random text to feel better about herself and breaking up with you. The text are not really for us..if that makes sense. I felt like this is why my ex reached out to me in small ways. It’s a very selfish thing to do. All we can do is move on and let karma do the rest.

  12. Robby

    My girlfriend and I dated for 2 years. We were super solid. Loved her to death. And almost moved in together. She left me out of the blue in November (2018). Didn’t talk for a while, talked back in January and things went well then she found someone else. Didn’t talk to her since then. Now, April 16. Randomly, she texts me asking “you doing okay?” I still haven’t responded. It’s taken me a long while to get over her and I’m finally making progress. I know her family miss me because I’ve gotten texts from them about it. Is she just trying to be nice? Is there something else to it? I’m still debating whether or not to respond back or just leave it. Any help would be great. Thanks!

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      If she is with someone else I would just leave it.
      Also– it sounds like talking to her would set you back.
      I wouldn’t respond!

  13. Shana

    My ex came back after the no contact rule. This man only DM me some memes . I told him if he wants to talk he can pick up the phone and call. But still continues to send memes on IG. Should I keep respond to his DM?

  14. Een

    Hi Katey,

    Thanks for your updates and advice.

    In short – my ex and I dated for 8 months. First 4 we were together almost 24/7 cause we were in the same job on a cruise ship – so it’s all day and everyday. It was amazing. She has commitment issues (and now that I have read articles I think is a narcissist) and took her a while to say ok we are official. Carried on and all was awesome. Then we had to do 4 months long distance. We handled it pretty well for the most part, no fights no drama – just frustration. Towards the end she started to drift and a friend told me she was struggling with the distance. I said ok well I will come live in your city for a bit and we can just forget the distance thing. She said we need to talk when I see her next. So I visited for the day – she dumped me. Told me that she needed to be on her own, wants to focus on her career and that she doesn’t feel that we are in love any more, just there for each other. I was pretty shocked since the two weeks before we had met up for a day, things happened – if you catch my drift. Anyways – I left heartbroken. Gave her some space and two weeks later we Skyped and I said are you sure this what you want? She said I dunno. I said well I will still come to your city if you think we can work this out. She cried and cried and said no that’s too much pressure and if it doesn’t work then she will feel guilty etc. again – I was hurt. Trying everything. NC again for about 2 months – then I sent her a letter. Not to get her back but to say I understand how she feels and that me moving would’ve been intense but that I do miss her and what we had was great ! She message right back and said she missed me too and wanted to talk. I got excited (bad idea). So we set up another Skype. The days leading up to this we had texted a little bit and she was using a few inside jokes, from when we were dating. So I guessed it was positive (again wrong). We spoke on Skype and things started ok – catching up etc. and then it got onto a bit more emotional stuff like I have been thinking about you and she cried. And I said so what are we doing? If you miss me then let’s make a plan to see each other. She said she would want to see me, but that’s it’s not a good idea because I would see it as something and she would see it as another thing. Ie: I am interested in dating again and she is interested in friendship. So she then had a mini melt down at the idea of me wanting to go and visit her or to make a plan to see each other. Full blown tears and heavy breathing panic attack! I was like WHOAW – ok chill. I did let’s just end this call and we did. I texted her and said sorry if that made her react that way – and explained that while she thinks all I want is a serious relationship she is wrong. I want a relationship like the one we had, with not thinking about the future at all. She said she still wants what she wanted before – her career and focus on herself etc. she said she still wants to be friends and after much thought I said no. I told her I can’t be friends because for me it will always be more. Told her she was the best relationship I ever had and that doesn’t become a friendship to me – because it will always be more. She said ok and wished me luck for the future. 7 months goes by…..I am JUST about out of the woods in terms of getting over her. Still think about her daily but not as much and still compare other girls to her – which seems crazy?! but anyways…I was happy and had even asked a girl out recently and didn’t think about her at all on the date etc. so I was good. Then I wake up one morning from a text from the other side of the world (I am in UK and she is in USA). It’s a long message – saying that if I want to delete the message then I can and that I don’t need to read any further down if I never want to talk to her again…dramatic…and the rest said – that she had been thinking about reaching out recently JUST to see how I was doing. And that she heard from a mutual friend that you are starting your own business – that’s so great. And he said you are doing really well – which makes me so happy. And that she hopes I am in a really good place mentally (when we broke up I admitted to suffering from work depression and low self esteem) … anyways – it was a positive and I’m so glad you are happy and doing well message. Nothing more and no questions etc. I took my time to think IF i should even reply but I can’t ignore people. Sorry…I know you are pro-ignore! Not in my nature. So I messaged back light hearted. I said ‘yeah I am now a CEO. Of the smallest company in the world 🙂 – it’s going well and life is great – I hope everything is ok for you”

    – just like that.

    Two days on – no reply. Not that I was expecting one and I kind of closed off the conversation by saying hope all is well – because I don’t want to be dragged into it like I was before. It was the most amazing relationship/natural connection I have ever had – maybe not the right person but to date the best I’ve felt with someone else.

    So what my question I guess is, maybe it’s unanswerable is – what does she want?! Like why the hell after 7 months does she think it’s ok to drop me a kind and positive message and be supportive? Like – we are not friends. And also – why not message and say hello first and then get into the I am happy for you part.

    I dunno if this is her feeling sorry for herself. Her trying to stay valid in my mind. Her wanting to say something else but using this kindness as a mask. Or what?! My best guess is that she thought – after 7 months, he will have cooled off and is now much more OK with just being friends. And when I responded in quite a short manner she thought – oh maybe not. Which is why she has disappeared again. …. but again – I am caught up because I am glad she reached out (means she was thinking of me – one way or another) – but also, I don’t know why she was and if it was just for friendship then it’s not worked out and for me, hurts – for her doesn’t matter.

    It’s left me in a spin and I was so close to being Ok ! 🙁 :(. And now my inclination is to text her a second time and say ‘everything is ok right’ ? Just to see if I can find out what fueled her to reach out.

    Any advice is very much appreciated and welcomed…..

    Sigh…..ex’s ! !

    THANK YOU!! 🙂

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi there!!

      Thank you for commenting and reading (I hope you continue to come back to VF!) and with the context of your story, I want to give you some straightforward advice. I’m sure what you had was passionate and real- but anyone, I mean ANYONE who toys with your emotions like that and is constantly “unsure” is NOT the one for you. I repeat: NOT THE ONE. If you kept trying to work it out you would constantly feel insecure because this girl is wishy washy about you. STAY WARM TO LOVE– true love is out there for you. It will be someone who gets you, comforts you, is SO SURE ABOUT YOU they would never let you go. It comes down to that, it’s simple. Also– it sounds like she just wants the attention. This is very common- don’t give in. Keep the power and keep moving on. I wish you the best!! xx Katey

  15. Veronica

    I was able to put an end to my divorce issue and restore my marriage again, because i never wanted it to happen. i don’t know what came over my husband that he was filling for divorce, i tried to talk him out of it when he told me and he didn’t listen to me, i had no other option than to seek for the help of a spell caster and now am glad i did. Because if not for the help of spell, i don’t know what would have become of me by now because i loved my husband so much that i couldn’t stand loosing him. The spell worked like magic with the way and manner my husband change and started showing love instead of the divorce he was planning. i just too happy that everything is in place for me now. I would gladly recommend the use of spell to any one going through marriage problems and want to put an end to it. ______Robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com……………. THANK YOU!!

  16. Anser

    Hey. I dated my ex for 7 months. The last two months I got suspicious she was seeing someone else, someone more local. I confronted her and she denied it. We were on and off, one week I’m going to her house, we are going away, another few days shes quite. I got suspicious and needy one night when everything was good as she was online on WhatsApp. I tried messaging her she said she was out with a friend and was texting her on the train home. I tried to call she said she couldn’t and in the morning we had an argument. Few days later she wanted space, as she got out of a 14 year marriage a year ago and has two kids to take care of with her parents. I got a bit needy and said I wanted a chance. I contacted her again 5 days later, we hardly spoke after that and then I met the at the train station, she said she couldn’t talk. She got in the train and texted me saying she wanted space and that it was fun. I got needy a bit and said I wanted to meet her and that she was making mistake. Did no contact. 2 weeks later she said reached out and said ” Hey hope you are good. I hope all your job options worked out. I had a great time with you but as I’m sure you understand I need some space and time and think you are better off moving forward. Sarah”
    I replied a few hours later saying “Yeh no worries, everything’s good thanks”. That was today. I’m lost, I want her back, I know it’s because I got needy, demanding, as I never felt like this for someone before.

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Anser- thank you for reading Violet Fog and supporting! Taking the time to read and comment, etc. I’m going to keep this simple: She is not the one for you and you are not the one for her. Love shouldn’t be that complicated and if she WAS the one you wouldn’t be feeling these things to such an excess. Respect her wishes and do yourself some good and MOVE ON. I promise love will find you if you stay warm to it! I wish you the best.

  17. Donna

    I got divorced 10 years ago. We stopped talking altogether because it was not very pretty. I mean he tortured me by accusing me of fooling around. I didn’t. Fast forward to this past January. I get a call from him saying “how would you like to put a pool in your backyard” and I said I didn’t need one I now live in Florida. I’ll spare the details but when we were married he broke his leg, started a lawsuit behind my back with his cousin representing him. He now needed me as a witness. He didn’t know I was aware of that lawsuit and certainly wasn’t helping him so I kept on saying I can’t remember. 3 days calling me and asking me to talk to his lawyer. Kept saying I don’t remember anything and stuck to that. Now for years I have been obsessing over him (thoughts not actions lol). I’m thinking after that 3rd call there would be no more contact.

    Well the following week he called with no mention of the lawsuit. We were on the phone going down memory lane- him doing all the talking.

    He’s been calling at least once and sometimes twice a week and we are on the phone for a minimum of an hour. This has been going on for over 5 months now.

    He tells me numerous times that he was deeply in love with me and that I was the only one he felt that way with. I asked him what about the woman you’re living with and he said he loves her but not in love with her. I asked him why he was staying and his answer was she’s a good woman.

    I did finally say to him that he had to be fooling around with the woman he’s living with for 9 years and that he didn’t let any grass grow under his feet and that even if I did remember specifics about his accident I wouldn’t help him enjoy $$ with another woman not to mention I didn’t trust him in sending me money.

    I would take him back but I know he won’t leave her because he’s a nester.

    I know the reality is we will never be together and when I tell him that he throws a monkey wrench in and says that’s what you think.

    I told him the other day that I was happy and got closure and I’m now able to move on with my life. (I’ve been alone for 9 years hoping we would get back together) and that perhaps it’s no longer any good that we talk to each other. That it was not fair to the woman you’re living with. He was disappointed and said he calls because he loves talking to me.

    Yesterday he said I’ll call you ‘next week’ and if you don’t want to talk to me don’t answer the phone.

    Today the phone rang and my cousin answered and it was him so I had to take the call.

    I asked him why he was calling today when he said he’d call next week and he said I was checking to see if you’d answer the phone.

    He has me so confused because he always manages to say these things to give me hope.

    My therapist says he’s controlling me. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to talk to him and another that does. I just don’t want to get too deep into this…it’s been 5 months now.

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I’m going to make this simple for you: He is not the one. This is too much drama and betrayal and negative energy. True, good, HEALTHY love is not this way. FREE YOURSELF, DONNA. Free yourself. You will find true love, but you need to let this one go. <3 xx Katey

  18. Seth

    My ex who I have dated for two months all of a sudden told me she doesn’t know if she loves me.So I asked her if wanted a break up and she answered she doesn’t know.I started the no contact and she texted me on the 7th day to say hello to me.I replied I have been doing well and continued the no contact.She then called me in three days time to say hello to me.She recently sent me a message that she misses me a lot.Please I don’t understand her actions.Why is she doing that?

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Seth! DM me on Instagram so I can send you a voice message. Too much to type! My handle is @TheVioletFog


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