***I have a 2018 update to this story, how it all panned out, at the end.***

A tale as old as time: When an ex reaches out.
A question as old as the tale: what to do when an ex reaches out.

Especially… when you’re still not over the person. 

Alright– real talk (as always)…. I’m *still* not completely over the guy I wrote about months ago.

Months and months ago. What the actual f*ck. Get some coffee or wine… we’re going deep here.
I guess I’m writing this because I’m certain there are other girls out there who are finding themselves months (maybe even years) down the road after ending a relationship and they still can’t kick the memories of a guy. (Or girl.) Or they still find themselves missing him. Upset with him. Whatever whatever… you get it. Basically asking themselves, “How the heck am I STILL not over this guy?!?”

Reaching out to an ex…. don’t.

God Bless the souls that can get over someone in a near instant. I don’t think it means love was never there for them, I just think that perhaps those people choose to look at things more logically and are more pro-active in making moves to get over someone. Or they are just good at fooling us. 
Me? I’m nostalgic. I’m emotional. When I hurt, I hurt hard. And true to my creative nature, I need to express it.
Still keeping my dignity in tact of course. You won’t find me texting or calling my exes. (Only writing about them sometimes haha.) You won’t find me crying about them for the 100th time to my friends. Maybe only 99 times. 😛 You won’t find me sub-tweeting them. None of that. No “fishing” for them to reach out to me… I don’t do that. It’s dangerous. 
Once I sense that my friends (and Mom… hi Mom!) are “over” hearing about my heartbreak, I stop talking about it out loud. Completely. And that’s not to say my friends are cruel and forbid me from talking about it- they’re actually the best because they want to see me move forward. They know I wallow. They know me talking about it again and again doesn’t help after awhile. It does the opposite.
I’m a romantic. I get stuck in memories. In what could have been. And maybe you can relate to this. It’s okay for moments, actually quite healing in moments… but in the long run, returning to old memories over and over again can hold you back. Keep you from being open to the next love.
*Le Sigh*… I’ll sit at home on a Saturday night and submerge into a pool of emotions. Where no one can see me. Where music seeps into my ears and thoughts flow from mind to paper. Not just about love, but life in general. It makes for a successful writer, but can sometimes get me in a funk. 
The next day though… you bet your ass that I GET UP and put on a cute ass outfit and don’t think about him for awhile. 😉 My Mama taught me that!
You know…I don’t think about him until I check his Instagram again. Or his (possibly new girlfriend?)’s Instagram. And every time I feel more and more disappointed in myself.
Have you ever had a friend open up your Instagram account (or Facebook) and they see your ex in your recent searches? CRINGE.
I mean… it’s been over a year now and whether my friends know it or not, I’m still thinking about this guy as I lie awake at night. Not every night anymore, but a lot of them.
It sucks– and girls, if this is you as well… just know I relate so much.  It’s taken time, but we are still going to make it to the other side. You’re allowed to be sad, you’re not allowed to give up!
It’s odd, I can be heartbroken but still enjoy dating. I urge all my heartbroken ladies to start dating the second they even entertain the idea that they might be ready. I’m so boy crazy for AVAILABLE cute men. I have had a fun dating life in San Francisco. Great flings with great men. (<—nothing more than making out though… I’m a prude LOL #QueenOfBlueBalls)… But yes, I’ve met so many great guys! And it helps.
BUT STILL… I have not found the “one” to get me totally over my ex. And look, I am working on myself, my business… all that. I’m confident. I’m ready to rock. But I AM someone who doesn’t get over someone entirely until someone else more significant enters the picture. It’s just how it’s always been for me. 
I’d rather be a little heartbroken than be with someone who I can’t see myself with long term. Once I know, I know. I cut em loose. I don’t like to waste time when it comes to matters of the heart.
Dating makes single life fun and makes for fabulous stories and experiences, but I’m not certain it’ll fully get ya over someone. BUT KEEP DATING. It’s nice to have flirt buddies and sweet guys who will compliment you. 🙂 Flex that flirt muscle and remind yourself you still got it. Your “got it” never left!
Back to the guy, I have not talked to him since June. He didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he still wanted me in his life but didn’t want to give me the closure I needed to get over him. I’m thinking… one of those times when you still want to keep someone warm just in case. You know? Can’t blame the guy, we’ve all done it… but I couldn’t stick around for that. I knew he loved me as a person. But I loved him, loved him. Going from girlfriend to just his friend hurt too much. We were attracted to each other, had a great relationship… so I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. Still don’t. 

It’s hard. I hate that I still have feelings for him. On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. I was in my room dance-cleaning (it’s a thing) and I actually had to sit myself down at my desk, my phone in both of my hands, before I opened his text.

I went back and forth with myself for an hour on whether or not I’d write him back. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

I wanted to write him back.


I didn’t respond. I can’t. I’m not as far along in being over him as I want to be. I can’t take the bait. It would set me back further and then I’d be even MORE upset with myself. I already feel pathetic meeting all these awesome men and yet I can’t totally shake this ONE guy who broke up with me.
So if you’re in the same boat as me and you KNOW your ex is not the one but you’re still heartbroken over him… keep getting over him. Keep dating. Keep figuring out exactly what you want and need and don’t waste your time.
AND IF HE DANGLES A CARROT… I urge you to swat that shit away. DON’T RESPOND if he reaches out! DM me instead. We can distract each other. I’m serious!

Add me on Instagram- I LOVE CONNECTING THROUGH DM’S! My handle is @TheVioletFog

I also have other articles on love/heartbreak for you to check out if you’re going through it: Just a quick search for HEARTBREAK will do the trick. 🙂 Not to be a downer, I do find that the more we can relate to people, the more we don’t feel alone. That’s why I like to write.

***UPDATE: Life goes on! I ended up meeting a wonderful guy a year later after I wrote this article and ended up moving for love. Keep your spirit up! There really are other fish in the sea.

What’s the longest it’s ever taken you to get over a guy? What thoughts do you have to add to this?
Katey Yurko
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

11 Responses

  1. Tiffany

    I feel this girl and I keep taking the bait. The swings get worse every time too. I’m honestly stuck between, “Hell, I don’t really care, do I?” and, “Please don’t forget about me. What if he changes his mind?” I mean, I’m pretty fabulous, how couldn’t he change his mind? And then, this thought creeps in, “If I’m so fabulous why not just throw my horseshoe?” To be real, dating sucks. It’s an interview, it’s logistics, it’s disappointment. Yes, it’s entertainment and possibility, but it’s mainly just a lot of noise. I’m a romantic reinassance-type. I love hard. I reach deep. SF is Never Never Land and this Wendy is ready for the Lost Boys to grow the F up.

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I love your analogy so much and thank you for chiming in!! PLEASE tell me you are about of our all girls Facebook group? It’s called Violet Fog Nice Girls Club… we talk dating all the time and I’d love to hear more of your insight. -Katey

  2. Regina

    My ex was so in love with me for 3.5 years. We were solid. Then suddenly she went cold. I begged at one point, asking where she went, what changed, how could she be so indifferent to me? Then she just broke up with me. Like I was a stranger. Everyday since then she calls to say she doesn’t want to break up but also still doesn’t want to be with me. I took the carrot every time, hoping the woman I used to know would come back. But after weeks of breadcrumbs, I asked her to stop contacting me. Her response? “Ok.” Hope is the enemy. That person is gone, dead, and they’re not coming back. Don’t take the bait!

  3. Martin

    Ohhh god.. I am a guy, and reading your story made me.. (NO I AM NOT GONNA ADMIT I DID CRY!!)
    Here is my story:
    2 years ago i moved out of my ex wifes apartment. We where done with each other. had therapy and everything together. We managed to part as friends (and still are). I moved to a new flat, and 3 weeks later i meet this girl that took my breath away. I really fell hard for her. She was not interested in anything other than friendship, and i was ok with that, thinking it was good for me to not jump into a relationship just yet. However, we became lovers, and then a couple. She told me she loved me, i told her i loved her. then she told me she did not want a relationship with me. But she still loved me… So i broke up. I though it was odd that someone who loved me did not want to be anything else than a lover, and i was hurt. A week later she came back and wanted the relation with me again. So we where together for a year. Then one day i needed to go for a 10 day course. during those days we would send messages to each other. She would send me selfies, telling me she missed me, i would respond that i missed her to. When i came back, she was not very keen to see me. I joked about it saying it was strange she missed me when she could not have me, and when i was available she had other things to do. 2 weeks later some friends at work have a “find a monster on tinder” competition. Guess what. There she was. my GF. with a tinder profile with the same pictures she had messed me just a few weeks ago. a very detailed text about what she was looking for as well. My workfriends poked fun at me. I threw up in the bathroom. angry and hurt, and humiliated by all my coworkers i erased her from all my social media and my phone. I broke up with her. Sitting in a park on a blanket in the summer sun eating a sallad together 2 days later she told me she had lost feelings for me. we parted.. but the next days the text messages started to come. She missed me. She cried all the time and felt awfull. 2 weeks later on my birthday she called with tears in her voice wishing me a happy birthday. You wrote: “On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. “. i understand that feeling. I had friends over for a barbecue and i had to go cry my eyes out, and then try and return to my party.. and everyone of my friends patted my on my back as if i was some broken child they needed to feel sorry for.. what a crappy party that turned out to be. I felt miserable. 5 days later it was her birthday. I phoned her. Asked what she meant with all the “i miss you” messages. Asking why she felt bad. She had no answer. i asked her straight out.. do you want me back.. her answer was no. I asked her to not contact me again. it hurt to much.

    a moth later i contacted her. we spent some time together. She wanted us to be friends. She told me she indeed had feelings for me. But getting back together was not what she wanted. She wanted no relationship.

    I know i will love her until i find a new love, or until she finds someone new. hope can fuel love for a long long time. Now i am just trying to be her friend hoping she will open up one day and explain what was going on so i can get closure. it doesent matter if i continue to see her or not. I will think of her anyways. This way i will get closure.. maybe.. she told me she did not want to talk about it. She wanted to wait a few months.. ?? why?

    And dating? Ha! have you ever had that strange feeling that comes from someone unmatching you 5 minutes before your supposed to meet for a coffe? No explanation.. and your wondering if maybe you unmatched the person by misstake while putting the phone in your pocket.. Welcome to my world

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog


      Ahhh. Let me just say that I love a guy who can dive into his feelings. Not only important for mental health but often creates such a supportive environment for whoever they end up with. What a crazy emotional story!!!! That girl does NOT deserve your time or energy. I can’t believe she treated you like such a throw-away person when you were so good to her. Yo-yo relationships suck, point blank. And I hope you find someone who treats love and relationships as seriously as you do.

  4. Lizzy P.

    My ex and I have been broken up for over a month. We had been dating for a year. 3 days before our breakup I asked him what intentions are with me. He asked if I wanted to move in with him and I let him know I was not ready for that. (I am divorced with a 3 year old and didn’t want to step into anything unstable without truly knowing where this was going)
    Here is how it went down. I was putting my son to bed and unbeknownst to me he goes through my phone (I keep no key lock on it). I fell asleep in my sons room and wake up when I heard my phone alarm in my room where my ex was. I climbed into bed but he felt distant. I asked If he was ok he said He was a little tired. He kisses me goodbye. At lunch time at work he sends me a text telling me that he is not upset but I have choices and he wants to walk away from the relationship and he won’t get into specifics but I know why. (At the time I didn’t know that he looked through my phone). When I got the message my heart skipped several beats I was sweating and had full on panic attack. For hours I begged him to call me and answer me. He wouldn’t take my phone call or text. 3 hours later he send me a phone number of my good friend a guy that I’ve know since I was 15 years old (half my life). I text my ex and tell him he is my friend and just that. My ex was convinced that I was in a relationship with him. He tried calling me but I didn’t hear the phone ring. He sent a text saying that I know you are with him I (I was in my bed alone sleeping) and told me what intentions he had for me. That was the week it all went down. I called back and no response. I text and told him I am going to chase him but we should talk by phone or un person to clear up this nisunderstanding and I am ready to talk when he is. That was Friday. Sunday.. I broke.. I called him. Then I texted and video messaged. Nothing he barely responded to my text. Telling me that i hurt him like his ex (according to him she left him because he didnt give her enough time. He was working the grave yard shift. She met another guy and left him. When me met he started working 9 to 5 then shifted to grace yard and I was some insecurities set in) did and just telling me it was over. Then I told him ok. I would leave him be. I didn’t contact him. Since then the only contact we’ve had was when he sent a a song called Lucid dreams via text 2 weeks after. I text him back telling him let’s talk. No response. I called him and he responds via text with ????. I then send him a text that I will leave him alone because I don’t deserve the silent treatment and being called dishonest for a dishonest thing he had done in the first place. I also told him he was playing games and I thanked him for our good times and wished him all the best. I continued working through my grief. This was hard for me because it was the first relationship after my divorce and I opened up to him when I thought I wouldn’t open myself up to anyone. I deleted pictures and text messages from my phone and boxed up gifts he sent. 1 month post break up he send me a message on Xbox live. We are gamers. I see him online but don’t reach out. He send me an a crying face Emoji. IDK was he making fun of me or was he feeling sad? I don’t know but what I do know is I cannot respond. My pride won’t let me do it. I reached out so much pleading for his attention and explanation…closure! And he sends me that? An emoji? I love him, but this is so exhausting. Should I let it go?

  5. Steve

    I relate to this WAY more than I wish I did. Sorry this will be a long story, I met this girl online just off of my campus about a year and a half ago, I had to wait about a month to get my car on campus so we took it slow and continued to just text each other. Our first date was set for Oct. 14, she cancels last second. She had a good excuse so I let it slide and rescheduled for the next week. She cancels again, this time because she “forgot to do the laundry”. This pattern of bad excuses continues until Halloween when she decides to just start rejected me outright because of anxiety. I keep at it (I’m stubborn like that and also get it because I have really bad anxiety to) all the way until March when she finally gives in and we go on a date. At this point my anxiety strikes at full force and I panic, she gets a bad vibe and accuses me of not liking her. I say nothing and we break up. We get back together 5 days later and don’t go on another date until late April, it goes amazing and I learn at that moment about my anxiety and how to control it. Then she decides to break up with me over text saying that she can’t be in a relationship and I drive to her house and calm her down. 2 weeks later I drive 3 hours back to my home for the summer and we go back to long distance aside from an absolutely amazing week in the summer where I fall in love with her. Early August roles around and I go on vacation about 9 hours from my house (13 from hers). She has the option of having me come up to her house or going camping with her parents that weekend which she really doesn’t want to do. So she says I have to stay the weekend with her and I say I don’t want to make that drive for a weekend and that turns into her freaking out at me again. I end up cutting my vacation short and driving the 13 hours to see my GF who doesn’t even pretend to be excited to see me and says I look cranky. The weekend goes well but I would have appreciated it if she at least looked happy to see me. Everything goes amazing from this point on and I fall in love with her. Up until late Sept when we started fighting constantly and she clearly wasn’t happy. We take a 2 week break in Oct and get back together the week of Halloween. She breaks up with me over text Nov 13th and that was it.

    Right before Christmas she reaches out to wish me a Merry Christmas, I take the bait and we start talking again. I ask if she’s thought about getting back together and she gives me an indiffinative “idk” and I get hopeful again and think we can salvage the relationship. We continue to talk and slowly heal when she texts me “hey babe”. My heart skips a beat in excitement and I reply “yes baby?”. 20 minutes later I get a “don’t be mad but that totally wasn’t for you”. Turns out she met a guy during our 2 week break and was cheating on me the rest of the relationship.

    Now I’m back to square one of the healing process and I really wish I didn’t take the bait and let her hurt me even more. Should have read this before having to learn the hard way that reaching back out to an ex will only result in more pain and suffering

  6. Is It Okay For A Significant Other To Be Friends On Social Media With An Ex? | Violet Fog

    […] I had an ex once that stayed friends with every single ex and old fling of his on Instagram and he liked and interacted with all of their photos. And guess what? Because of this digital tether, he’d often get texts from them. Thus always having their presence in his life- making less room for me. I knew he was never cheating on me. But you know how this STILL made me feel? I’m sure you can guess. […]

  7. Danielle

    I felt compelled to comment because I am going through this exact situation right now. This was my second serious relationship and the first time I was dumped and absolutely heartbroken for a solid month and a half. And I’m the same way, I really don’t ever truly move on from someone until someone else more significant comes into my life (gotta love being a hopeless romantic lmao). So, after 3 months of absolutely no contact between me and my ex ever since our break up, he finally reached out last night. He wants to grab coffee this week to catch up and that he “really misses being my friend and hates that we don’t talk at all.” When I saw this text I couldn’t help but feel all giddy, and immediately all the scenarios and thoughts of “what could be” flooded my mind and kept me awake all night. As tempting as it is to try and rekindle an old flame, I know in the long run it will end up being a lot of wasted time, energy, and unnecessary nights spent crying over the wrong person. It’s so hard to have a high emotional intelligence yet still have a heart of gold that just wants to love!!!

  8. Nancy powell

    we separated. I still love him, but some how feel its unfair. Why love someone who doesn’t love you back? Ive prayed & prayed for these months & nothing. He is still with his new girlfriend(whom he lives with) but it doesn’t mean I have to look for help The first weeks after the break up I was in my knees praying looking for help, them i fine a comment online how a Man help to restored relationship get ex lover back, ” so i decided to give a try cuz i love my boyfriend so much. so i contacted Dr. 😊💖💖💖 and told him all my problem and he gave me 100%guarantee that i will have my boyfriend back after the spell so i was gifted and lucky to have contacted him i did everything he asked of me and to my greatest surprise a day after the service, my boyfriend called me and apologized for what he did to me and ask for my forgiveness to come back home for me, I got really hurt & go through those moments in which he left me, after all Dr. did for me, i forgave him and he came back home with more love and happiness all thanks to Dr… So plz, if you need any help contact him too on this. You will see in conclusion you have to just trust the process, Robinson.buckler relationship helper


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