I write about love all the time.
It’s a way I make sense of things… how I move on, or stay in it. Whether I put it on Violet Fog or not is the question! lol… (Usually I don’t. 😉 )
Today, I’ll share something with you guys: I’m going through a heartbreak. I am.
I’m trying to get over someone who doesn’t love me back. It sucks.
Through this, I’ve started thinking about how everyone “gets over” people differently. You know, how we go through the motions before we make it to the other side.
There is no universal strategy or timeline in doing so, and we’re quick to judge ourselves or others for what we perceive as “mistakes” in the process of finally moving on. But we shouldn’t do that.
For instance: earlier this month I was annoyed to learn that a girlfriend of mine had hung out with her jerk-ass ex. To me, he did not deserve her time. We want to see our friends getting over someone as quickly as possible, right? So seeing them with setbacks can IRK. It irked me at least. And in this moment I truly judged my friend. How long is she going to keep doing this?!
And then I remembered how much I hate it when MY friends give ME a hard time for not being perfect when trying to get over someone. In the way I go about things. Like when they truly get mad at/annoyed with me for mentioning him. Or missing him and showing it. Or moving at a snail’s pace to get over him. You know what I’m talking about.
Friends do that sometimes. Myself included. Benefit of the doubt is that it does usually come from a good place.
Getting over love (or even deep deep like) is NOT a straightforward thing– it’s messy. Emotions and circumstances are subjective. Feelings… we can’t fully escape. As hard as we may try!
What we aught to do is just be supportive when someone is heartbroken. Or lonely. Even after some time has passed. If they’re hurting… throw the dog a bone now and then.
When my friends are heartbroken, I expect peaks and valleys… no one is perfect. Everyone’s doing the best that they can.
I’ve been heartbroken before.Been broken up with… had someone tell me they don’t love me anymore. It’s agonizing. It feels like walking around with rocks on your chest. A constant shortness of breath.
Until it’s all better. And the sun shines again. It always does!
I’m going to vent real quick though: it sucks that so many women (not all) feel like they have to put on a certain kind of front after being broken up with. Like being vulnerable is a sign of weakness (vs. just being human) and she should appear to the world over the guy immediately. Or say “it was mutual” even though deep down it wasn’t… she wanted it to work.
Or lastly, act like she’s one of those girls who is neverrrrrr broken up with. (And yes I’m aware there are women who have never been broken up with… I salute all 5 of them! lol)… They’re just leaving before they’re left. #Smart…?
SO. I have someone that I need to get over. Because he doesn’t feel for me as I do for him.
I think he loved me once. Or, you know, was close to it.
Now he just loves me as a person. A friend. A girl he cares for but does not want.
And that’s the name of the game. We will not always get our way. Love is never guaranteed.
This guy, I liked for a long time. He liked me too when we were together. And now, we’ve been good friends longer than we were ever a couple.
And let me tell you what- even with zero advances from him and only texting/snapchatting every day (…our generation is so annoying lol) I STILL held out hope. I still thought to myself that he might have feelings for me and just didn’t want to ruin our friendship. For a long ass time this was my mindset, you guys.
The only time I did not think about him was when I dated someone else briefly, long after our breakup. So I did forget about him for a few months. (In that way.) Only… to begin thinking about him again shortly after. Uggggghh.
I have penchant for hanging onto things for too long. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to learn. I’m a romantic, a dreamer… and I’m loyal to the bone.
But once I KNOW FOR A FACT someone doesn’t love me, I give up. I stop trying. I grieve hard, really get it out of my system right away… and then I get over it.
And I’ll be honest, I can’t help but feel embarrassed by how much this one stung. Because I really believed there was a possibility he still cared about me like that.
Like picture me having coffee with friends, talking about him, them giving me that “Katey be careful” look and me, “but, but, but!” …. just trying to convince them that no you guys I think we still have something there! I was warned a hundred times. And a hundred times I did not listen. ….I’m such a stubborn ass.
Look, sometimes, you’re the last to know. The last to see what everybody else sees. That’s just the roll of the dice. So swallow your pride, feel it, and move on.
I am sad- but I am optimistic still. And I don’t regret anything…. that helps.
I gotta say, I have great taste in men: the guy who broke up with me is a really good man. And if anyone were to break my heart, I’m glad it was him and not some jerk, cheater, or bottom feeder, you know?…. My time with him was meaningful and I’m happy to have known him. He treated me so well when we were together. And with the upmost respect during our breakup. And has always been good to me as a friend. I can’t be bitter, and I’m not. I’m happy the whole thing happened.
I’m going to miss him. But he is not the one for me. (I mean… clearly. As he has told me this. lol)
….it hurts ladies. I feel I wasn’t good enough. But I’ll soon believe otherwise. I know it.
But. BUT. When I want to cry, I’m crying. Hell yes I’m crying. I’ll straight up lock myself in my room on a Saturday night. Play sad music and write pieces that will never see the light of day. Soak my pillow full of tears. Eat ice cream. All that. And then- that very next day, I will do as my Momma always told me to do and put on my cutest outfit and go out and ROCK THAT SHIT. Rinse and repeat. That’s MY “necessary” for getting over someone.
Do what you gotta do. And cut yourself some slack for not being perfect in the pursuit of moving on. It’ll happen in time.
You may text them sometimes, emotionally still be there for them… (I did. For months.) You may fixate on them for way too damn long. (I DID.) Or hold out hope that there’s a second chance when clearly there isn’t. (I DID!!!!) Just keep on keepin’ on wherever you can. Don’t forget your friends, your family, your career, how GREAT being single is too! there are so many advantages to being single.)
THIS is my truth: gotta wallow when we need to otherwise we’re not getting over it. Just don’t be stupid. Forgive yourself after moments of weakness and always refocus after. Mistakes are going to happen- that’s OKAY if it’s not hurting anyone else but yourself. (<— Up to you how long you can keep doing that.)
I know there are people who won’t relate to this following statement, that’s cool– just wanting to keep writing honestly for myself and for you.
So: I believe that God has the greatest man lined up for me. I know that he knows exactly what I need. And on the other side will be a man who needs me.
Whether you believe in God or a different higher power or just put your trust in the universe… know that love is going to find it’s way to you. And you’re going to be okay. Okay?!
*Ends pep talk* *steps off soapbox*
*pours wine because now I’m depressed after writing this* lol jk
I choose to believe in love. 🙂 I hope you do too.
More love stories on Violet Fog:
One about “liking” an ex’s new girlfriend’s pic
One about running around in the same city as an ex
One about being bummed about a “fling” not working out
One about falling for the “typical Bay Area hipster.”
One about looking back on our first loves