I’m genuinely jealous of the people who have a healthy sleep routine nailed down. 7-9 hours, asleep around the the same time every night… awake around the same time everyday. No disturbances throughout the night.

I want that. I want normalcy with my sleep. I want routine. I want more good dreams.

I am so far from “normal sleep” that I fear I’ll never have it. This is something I actually PRAY about. Like God, please let me be normal with my sleeping! I crave normalcy. I feel it would help me so much.

Let me tell you about my sleep. Maybe you can relate in certain aspects and we can figure this shiz out together. The reason I care so much is because it impacts my day. Negatively.

So my sleep.

I go to sleep anywhere from 10pm to 3am. Every. Single Night. That’s a FIVE HOUR window. And no matter the day and what it entailed, what I ate, what I did… I never know what I am going to get. When I’ll fall asleep.

If I don’t set an alarm (I have to set an alarm), I can will sleep for 12 hours. EASY. Eaaaassssyyyyyy. All of my friends and family know this. They’ve basically labeled me the sleeping QUEEN because if no one wakes me up, my ass WILL stay asleep. My family and friends joke about this all the time but it really bothers me because I feel like I miss out on a lot of fun and beautiful mornings!

I can sleep so much that my day feels full of anxiety, like I have to be EXTRA productive because I just spent so much time sleeping.

When I sleep, I sleep hard. I don’t snore or anything but I’ve been told that when I sleep I barely even move. Throughout the entire night. Like a dead person. In the morning my roommates will be making shakes and blowdrying their hair and not once, not once have I ever woken up to it. They’re always like, “Sorry if we woke you up!” And I never have any idea what they are talking about. You were being loud? Had no clue.

I’m hesitant to say waking up in the morning is hard for me because I know it’s hard for nearly everyone. But I’ll say it anyway: I dread waking up. Even if I set multiple alarms. Even if I have to walk across the room to turn them off. Nothing helps the process of waking up become easier for me. I so quickly press snooze multiple times. And yes I know snooze is horrible! When I am awake I am in THEE most groggy state for a good 20 minutes. Doesn’t matter if I shower right away or have coffee.

And if I don’t have coffee, forget it… I’ll be sleepwalking throughout my entire day. (Kidding… but you get it.)

You know those people who can’t go back to sleep once they are up? That will never be me. I could be forced to do 100 jumping jacks and go RIGHT back to sleep.

And the urge to nap throughout the day is real. Like maybe I should move to Spain where they nap in the afternoon because I would fit in so well!

I also have insane dreams ALL THE TIME. I’ve read multiple studies that show super heavy dreams are not emotionally good for you. They take from your “emotional bank” you have allotted to you each day. When you have a really heavy dream, your emotional tank starts to deplete before you are even awake. Leaving you feeling emotionally or mentally exhausted much quicker during the day. Majority of my days I wake up feeling drained before the day has even begun. I have to mentally fight to get into a normal state.

My dreams… good Lord. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell is hidden in my subconsciousness. But I often (like 4X a week) dream about the kind of things where you wake up going THANK YOU UNIVERSE THAT WAS NOT REAL. And your day starts with a pit in your stomach.

I dream all the time that someone in my family has died. Or I have reoccurring PTSD dreams of things that have happened in my past that, on any normal day, I would say that I am over and have been for awhile. So why do I still dream about these things? 

Oh yes. And I always have that God awful dream of losing my teeth. F*ck that dream, man. I wonder why so many people experience it?

I have dreams where I am being shot at. Or chased. Or dreams where I say or do something REALLY MESSED UP to someone I deeply care about and then am shunned for life. Weird shit right?! *shakes my head as I write this*

I don’t get it. During the day I am such a happy person. I LOVE life. So why these kinds of dreams? Sure, I deal with depression on and off and have my dark moments (don’t we all) but I don’t think this is the reason for my dreams. I freaking HATE my dreams.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I am more of a night owl because subconsciously I am trying to put off going to sleep.

I don’t have a solution yet. All the cliche advice like “don’t drink caffeine after XYZ” or “try to go to sleep at the same time every night” doesn’t seem to work for me. And I workout consistently… eat healthy most of the time. Yada yada.

I am starting to experiment with essential oils. I’ve never really given into the idea of the power of essential oils but perhaps it’s the perfect setting to experiment with it. Smell can trigger a multitude of feelings. Saje wellness sent me a diffuser and some oils… I’m grateful because had I not been gifted it, I doubt it’s something I would have tried. Still figuring out the verdict on this though.

All I know is something needs to change, because I am exhausted. From sleep. How ironic. Can anyone relate?