**UPDATED as of Sept. 2018- originally published in 2016. Two years wiser and more time spent in San Francisco means a fresher perspective!
My instagram is @TheVioletFog if you want to discuss more after reading! I love a good opinion!
*** Quick heads up: this viewpoint pertains to straight women but I’d love to hear other perspectives!
It’s easy to get down when it comes to San Francisco dating.
Many times in my 4 years there, I would say:
“It’s la la land here. Men don’t want to settle down.”
“It’s too hard finding a guy who hasn’t dated at least one of my friends.”
“No one really ‘dates’ here. And men rarely approach women.”
Truth is- I wasn’t far off. A lot of guys in San Francisco fit that mold. But simply pawing around on those thoughts again and again won’t do anything in a dating landscape where- if you want to stay happy and have fun- you neeeed to stay positive. Why is it worth staying positive? Because there ARE great men in San Francisco. You just need to change up your approach when things aren’t working for you. You need to be intuitive. You know where larger quantities of “fuck boys” or “Peter Pans” (adult men who won’t grow up) frequent. Spend less time at those spots if you are looking to increase your chances of finding someone of quality and true connection.
There are idiots and jerks in San Francisco. But there are idiots and jerks everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Remember that. And girls can be jerks too…. just saying.
The optimistic side of dating in San Francisco: it’s fun, quirky… and mysterious. So many different kinds of people in this city. So many flavors. So many walks of life when you really start exploring other neighborhoods.
Let’s discuss the cons of San Francisco dating first. Just to get them out of the way.
Do we see a lot of guys who don’t want to settle down yet? Yes. Totally.
There’s also men who want a relationship. They will tell you. They will make it known. If they don’t make it known, chances are they aren’t looking for a relationship– and there you go. You have your answer. Don’t try to change his mind. Don’t waste your time. Don’t complain that no guys here want a relationship. There are men who do- move on and look for those guys! ALSO… if a guy doesn’t want a relationship, we can’t knock them for wanting to stay single AS LONG AS they aren’t actively leading someone on and not being clear about their agenda.
Will there be moments when we realize that guy we just met actually once dated someone we know? Yes. Totally.
This is just another reason why you need to get out of your comfort zone and explore many different neighborhoods. Don’t just keep frequenting the same environment where all your friends reside. Diversify… and increase your chances of finding someone with zero to little mutual acquaintances.
What I hate most about dating in San Francisco
The number of guys there that have a disgusting sense of entitlement and attitude towards dating. THAT was annoying. Often they’re the ones getting such great praise (and pay) at work that they think it translates into them being hotshots outside of work as well. Like they are too good or something. What sucks about these bad apples is that they often come off as charming at first. But alas, the arrogance and shallow attitude always reveals itself eventually. So just run when you suspect that big-paycheck-big-ego persona thing going on. Don’t walk, RUN.
Also annoying: San Francisco has a lot of “adult frat boys” who still haven’t shifted out of their immature college lifestyles. They act like teenagers. Newly 21ers. They brag about how much they can drink. They try to “hang out” with you but never ask you out on a date. They troll bars every weekend with that tired quantity over quality mentality when it comes to women. Yep, we definitely have adult frat boys here. “Fuck boys”… whatever you want to call them. Me? I never had issues because I could spot them from a mile away. But sometimes, in their work attire, they could come off as something different so I see why women have a problem here. But ladies, listen and observe… you know if a guy is looking for a hookup and not wifey. Don’t give that guy the time, and just because of “yet another” bad encounter, don’t get down on the entire dating scene. There are good guys out there.
DATING APPS IN SAN FRANCISCO?
Don’t get me started. We have the guys who will seriously date a woman only for us to find out months later that they’re still on Bumble, The League, Hinge, whatever… because to them, something new and shiny around the corner seems more important than nurturing one true and beautiful connection… it’s a shame really. But this isn’t really specific to San Francisco.
So, like everywhere else, we got pricks, dicks, and FOOLS all over the city. But you know what? Here’s the kicker…
San Francisco truly has some amazing men. Who want relationships. But you gotta deepen your lifestyle, in where you go and who you hang out with. Think variety variety variety… and keep your heart and eyes open. If you’re negative about finding love, that is what you will attract again and again. Point blank.
What we gotta do, is stop giving attention to the dum-dums. You know, the man-boys. How do we do it? Well, first off… we *know*… we know in our gut when the guy we are seeing/talking to/dating isn’t going to love us the way we want and deserve to be loved. Or treated. Right? Deep down, we know it! But too often we’ll try to convince ourselves otherwise… just hoping we are wrong. When really, we need to trust that instinct and trust it right away. Think about it… has it ever been wrong in the past? How often do you wish you would have listened to that gut feeling?
But okay. The good guys out there in SF. Plenty of them! These are men who will offer MORE than something superficial. Men who are more in tune and want to treat women right. Their priorities are straight. And it’s clear from the get-go. No act. No silly games. And they follow through. It might have took them awhile to get there (or maybe they’ve always been this way) but present day they are GOOD MEN. And they’re everywhere in the city!
These guys are the ones we should aim to be dating. And they too deserve a really, really great woman.
Perhaps it’s time to be more optimistic about dating in San Francisco. AKA… let’s not let the bad seeds give the good ones a bad rep anymore.
Many men in San Francisco think that overall, the women in this city are incredible. They describe us as independent thinkers, career driven… women who doll up only if we want to and not because we feel we have to. They see us as having a deep affinity for culture and rich experiences and they really like that about us. Class over ass, baby! In fact, they’d actually like to punch the pigs out there saying that women in SF are a “city of sevens” or classic “4 to 9ers”… aka women who look like 4s but act like 9s. (….WOW.) <—and Man Skills Academy is the biggest joke of a publication I have ever, ever seen by the way.
Okay, sure… it can be very la la land here. But there’s also plenty of men who’d be happy to slow down with the right woman. And would love to find her! Men who are also starting to get tired of the dating scene. Men who maybe still want to stay in San Francisco (or don’t!) BUT want to experience it with a partner in crime now. Their future lady sidekick. There ARE men on that level here. Trust me I know- I went on many dates with SUCH GOOD DUDES. (They just weren’t the right good dude for me.)
Here’s something to consider and be grateful for when it comes to dating in San Francisco
We have so many SMART and established men in SF. Most of them are very driven and work their asses off. You actually won’t find many who aren’t hard workers here. It’s pretty damn hard to survive in San Francisco by being lazy and not doing shit. Even a lot of those adult frat boys we talked about at least work hard. If intelligence and career drive is something you look for (NOT to be confused with rich), then lucky you for having this ginormous pool of men with those exact qualities right here in your city. Or just right over the bridge.
Also, a lot of the men here have or have lived such colorful lives. Everyone here seems to have a cool story. Where they’ve traveled, grown up, the interesting things they’ve studied and experienced. Perhaps why they are here in the first place. It’s cool because it makes going on dates here so fun. Fascinating conversation? Likely! Chance of learning about a new topic, idea, or quirk about the city? Also likely! Even if it doesn’t work out, it does keep dating here pretty amusing.
Oh and gotta mention: We have a strong presence of men in San Francisco who are deeply creative in ways that can be very romantic. Music. Art. Cooking. Culture appreciation. Nature lovers. Photography. Foodies. Etc. For the women who desires a partner with an appreciation for some of these kinds of things… these dudes all over SF! Or maybe you’re a super active gal who loves being outdoors. Lucky for you, a LOT of men here have legit adventurous sides to them. Hiking, camping, road-tripping, excursions on the weekend, sailing, surfing! They’re probably looking for a lady with similar interests to connect with too!
All in all, from a woman’s standpoint… dating in San Francisco can be awful, or it can be fabulous. It all comes down to how we choose to view it. I chose to remain optimistic my entire dating life in San Francisco. And even though I ended up meeting someone from Austin (go figure!) I really loved my dating life in San Francisco. I felt I chose them well, never lowered my standards, and most importantly- always looked at the silver linings. From every date! Every fling!
No matter our age or how many heartbreaks we’ve endured– we can’t control when love will strike next (and it will!)… but we do know that time is going to pass anyway. So just for ourselves… I hope we choose to be happy in the meantime. And thankful to be setup in a beautiful city with plenty of amazing men.
To THOSE men: We appreciate the living shit out of you. Thank you. Don’t change a thing. And come talk to us… lol. Just a tip- not enough guys approach women anymore! If you do so in a sincere and kind way… that’s going to give you a leg up. Just saying. 😉
Stay positive ladies… hope is not lost when it comes to dating in San Francisco! #BrainIsTheNewAss #NiceGirlsClub
LET’S BE FRIENDS! Want to discuss more? Add me on Instagram at @TheVioletFog
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||