*Le Sigh*…. As much as I like to advocate for women supporting other women, as much as I’m a huge champion for #GirlPowerBaby!… I have done my fair share of unjust hatin’ on some fellow females.
Not a lot– I truly think of myself as a girl’s girl and I’ve always been conscious of being good to those around me and loving people as much as I can. But I ain’t perfect.
I think to some degree we are all guilty of some girl on girl hatin’. And perhaps talking about it can help the cause of eradicating it in the first place. During a time when we need to be lifting each other up now more than ever, I think we could all be working on bettering our hearts… on being even more open-minded and non-judemental as we possibly can be, right?
We’ve got to stop looking for stupid reasons to hate on other girls. It only breeds negativity in our own lives and the lives of others. It seriously does nothing for girl world. And makes us look petty.
So I’ll take one for the team and air some of my dirty laundry in hopes that we can all think of “those girls” who pop into our heads that we’ve unfairly judged, and let that shit go. For ourselves, for girl world!
Okay. Let me set the scene.
It’s 3+ years ago. I’m living in San Diego. At this time I am running my own styling business and still have my old fashion blog, Yurkstyle… <—-snapchat username, btw. I’m working full-time for a nightlife and restaurant company as I’m trying to pioneer my own businesses as a sassy independent woman!
It’s a weekend, and one of my clients at the time calls me to tell me about this launch party downtown near my work for these two girls who are launching their own brand/youtube channel thing. (I’ll refrain from specifics, just in case.) He tells me they’re his friends and I should totally go to meet them and support.
So I’m thinking, hell yeah I’m going to go! Girl power I love women doing their own thing! I am so there. Personally I didn’t know of too many women in San Diego at the time who were trying to launch their own business, so I was really excited for these girls without even knowing them. I really did want to support.
I checked out one of their blogs beforehand and automatically thought the girl and I could be buds because she seemed as much of a wellness freak as I was. I was stoked to root her on in taking her branding to the next level, because I agreed with a lot of the stuff she wrote about.
So night of: I have work, but I get downtown an hour early so I can stop by and show some support at this launch party. Now people… I’m an introvert, I don’t just go to parties where I don’t know majority of the people. If it’s that kind of party, I’m there because I believe in the cause or think I’m doing some kind of good by being there.
So I get there… and I’m standing there with my client and another friend who knows these girls and one of the two (the one whose blog I had just checked out) comes up to say hello and greet us.
Only she says hi to my client and my friend… but not me. She engages in conversation with them, thanking them for coming out for her, but makes ZERO eye contact with me as if I’m not even a person standing there. (This is how I’m seeing it, at least.) So they engage for a few minutes, she’s thanking them graciously for coming -clearly not thanking me lol- and as she scoots off to the next group in the room, she gives me the up and down. You know, the head to toe glance-stare thing us females sommmetimes do to other females we either don’t like or are unsure of for whatever reason. She gives me the up and down and turns on her heels and walks away.
In my mind, I’m like… what the f*ck? I was so excited to congratulate this girl, so happy to support a fellow business gal doing her own thing, and that happens?
And from there on out, not only did I have a bad taste in my mouth about her, but I would literally rip her to shreds, verbally, whenever one of my girlfriends brought her up. (Some people I am/was close with know her. And the “industry” in San Diego at the time was fairly small.)
You guys. Because of that one incident, I legit decided that I hated this girl. But what was worse, is I started hate-following her because I also really liked her content. It pissed me off so much! Why did I have to like her content but not like her?! I hated that her and I were alike on so many things. So many things. Like she is also an avid user of rose hip oil. Uses the same collagen mix in her smoothies as I do. Loves dry-brushing as much as I do and we’re also equally nutso about sunscreen. She even JADE-rolls her face… I jade-roll my face, and I thought I was the only person in America who did that. (Yes I’ll write a post!) I also tended to agree with her most of the time on her views with marketing and business. So in a nutshell I hated that I found her credible lol…
Do I sound ridiculous? Yeah… that’s because I was 100% being ridiculous. Like I can’t even TELL YOU how ridiculous I was being. It’s actually embarrassing.
One of my best friends, Hope, had actually been her cocktail waitress multiple times when she and her crew would come in to one of the nightclubs the company I worked for represented. A year or so after we both no longer worked there, I was visiting Hope and we were in her bathroom getting ready for a night out. She was like, “here, use this clip to keep your hair out of your face, it’s the best… I read it on ______.” I looked at her and was like, “Ugh, you know I don’t like that girl.”
And Hopey, bless her sweet little soul, was like… “I know you’re not going to like this, but she’s actually REALLY nice. Like really nice. Probably one of my favorite people who ever came in. I really think you read that situation wrong.” And I was just like, “Nope! Don’t care! I don’t like her.” (And damnit– that clip was the best clip I’ve ever used to keep my hair up without kinking it as I got ready.)
Then my old business partner, Cynthia, knew her from San Diego. And I’m not kidding you, whenever she’d bring up this girl I would be SUCH A BITCH in being like, “No! We are not supporting her!!” <—– Which I’m just shaking my head at now, because that attitude is exactly against everything I stand for with Violet Fog.
But little by little my heart started to soften for this girl because the more energy I spent on hating her the more I actually realized we had things in common. She loved her Grandma so much (My Grandma and I had also been best friends) and she was legit as crazy as I was about wellness stuff. For instance, anytime I’ve brought up ashwagandha root to any of my friends, they look at me like I’m nuts. “Ashwag-what???” And then… she wrote a post that mentioned ashwagandha lol. (It’s the BEST for stress, anxiety, brain power… I’ll do a post on that too.) Anyway– the more I spotted similarities in interests and other things, the more I started to soften. And the more I also felt pathetic for reading content by someone I claimed to not even like.
And then one night I had a thought. I was so one-sided in how I saw that MINOR situation go down in the first place. Like she could have given me the up and down for reasons I wasn’t even considering. And it was such a little thing to base my whole attitude on her about!
But okay, the up and down stare. What if that was actually a closed party and my ass just showed up uninvited? Or what if one of her best friends didn’t like me for some reason… like if I once went on a date with the guy she’s dating or something. Or what if I unknowingly turned down her cousin? Her brother? LOL… those are possible situations! Or what if she had came into my work once before and I had done something she thought was rude? What if I’m just SO WRONG and being WAY over dramatic in the way I took that stare in that moment? Or- maybe she was shy? Hell, I don’t know!
But I realize how f*cking dumb I had been for drawing up conclusions that had no backing to them. And I realize how I’m not that girl who hates on girls for no reason… but here I was, hating on a girl for NO VALID REASON. And following her, but not liking any of her stuff, or sharing it. RIDICULOUS.
So I guess my point is… hating other girls instead of supporting them (especially when we actually like something about them) does nada ONE positive thing for girl world. And I’m going to try my very best to never hate-follow another girl ever again. Even if it was just once, I want to continue to put good energy towards my fellow females and not take it away. Ya feel me?
Who else has stories? I know I’m not the only one! 😉
P.S: I’m totally going to email this to that girl and if she’s cool with it, I’ll even let you know who she is. She has some AWESOME content that I’m totally align with that I’d love to share with you guys on this publication.
Mucho love! xx
I emailed the girl just as I said I would, and here was email back to me:
Ahhh, just saw this! AMAZING READ. You’re a great writer!
It’s crazy because I have NOOOO idea what you’re talking about the party— that party was NUTS (which is why we did a small, small wedding) because there was TOO many people. I hate that you weren’t acknowledged. Please know I would never be intentionally mean to another women, it’s not my vibe. That night was overwhelming & there was too many people to greet!
Regardless, I loved the read & I think it’s awesome the community you’re creating.
Again, thank you for sharing and being so transparent— so sorry if I made you feel bad, that’s never my intention.
SO it just goes to show how wrong our assumptions usually are and why we really need to be more open-minded about people and certain situations. 🙂 By the way– Her blog is called The Skinny Confidential, and I absolutely love it.
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||