Women tend to think we aren’t “entitled” to heartbreak if we weren’t ever “official” with the guy. Like we are only allowed that (much needed) grieving period if 1- we were actually in love or 2- we were at one point, in a very committed, very exclusive relationship with the person… aka titles were a part of the mix. Boyfriend, fiancé, etc.

Apparently, just “dating” and then being broken up with doesn’t warrant tears or the genuine feeling of a letdown.

But here’s the reality: Being almost in love also hurts. On your way to love hurts.

The ending of something “that wasn’t even official to begin with” f*cking HURTS. Still!

We know this. We’ve felt this. Yet we continue to say things like this to each other:

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out with _______. But you guys were never together together, right?”
“Aren’t you glad that only lasted for XYZ? At least it ended before it really got serious.”

And we say things like this when talking to friends about other friends:

“She’ll be okay… they only dated for XYZ… so it wasn’t a huge romance or anything.”
“Well, they never got to the point of being exclusive so I’m sure she’s already moved on.”

And even worse, we say things like this to ourself 🙁 :

“You’re pathetic for being upset about this. He wasn’t even your BOYFRIEND.”
“How are you so hung up on this guy? It only lasted for XYZ!!”

We have GOT to stop saying that kind of shit. It’s so counter-productive and completely negates an emotionally rich experience that either we, or a dear friend of ours, just went through. Because, good or bad, you know what the aftermath of any emotional experience is? Impact. 

Maybe he wasn’t your/her “official boyfriend.” Maybe it only lasted weeks, or less than a few months.

That doesn’t shouldn’t demerit the fact that, at one point, there was a promise of what could be something more with that person.

Even those of us in love (and no people, currently in love or heartbroken I am not)… we all know what those first few weeks or months with someone can entail. Passion. Pillow talks that go on for hours. Texting back and forth throughout the day, and excitedly rereading them just to get that little “jolt” again. The first kiss. The second kiss. The third kiss. The giddiness of learning that they like you. How good it felt to feel a bit of companionship after a prolonged period of being single. The attention of someone you’re crushing on, and just the fun of it all. The look in someone’s eyes when you can tell they are impressed with you, intrigued with you. New experiences you shared. The heightened, intoxicating feeling of a possible romance brewing. Or romance already brewed, but in its newest, most delicate but exciting state. Only to have all that ripped out from under you.

See, a “fling” is still something. And being broken up with after that, even if short lived, can bring about substantial feelings of disappointment . Or insecurity that we weren’t enough. Worry that we won’t be enough in the future. (We are enough. Trust.) Not to mention that whole irritating notion of, “now I gotta do this whole thing all over again until I find the one.” It SUCKS.

So listen, we are entitled to some tears after a fling. Though we tell ourselves otherwise, it makes complete sense why we might be sad after a “nearly there” relationship. CRY. IT. OUT. (Seriously- go do the ugly cry)

Why? Only then can you really get over it. Suppressing emotions makes us more bitter in the end. Or it messes with our emotional state of mind– think about it: your body literally wants to cry and you’re not letting it. Ever physically feel your heart hurt? Fight back tears? And yet your mind is telling you that, no you can’t be sad… HE WASN’T YOUR BOYFRIEND. Leaving you emotionally… heavy. And dragged out.

How freaking stupid is that? Women folk… sad is sad. Biology doesn’t consider “titles” or how long you dated. Severity may differ due to time and circumstance but heartbreak, even minor heartbreak, knows no algorithm. If you feel it, you feel it– and to deny it is to only hurt yourself further. Don’t numb it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t subconsciously send the message to your friend that she doesn’t “deserve” a period of heartache. Let the woman cry.

And yes, time and place. I’m not encouraging you to sink to the bottom of a bottle, mascara down your cheeks, talking to anyone who will listen about what you’re feeling. I’m not saying that you can neglect prior commitments or day to day life. I’m not saying there isn’t something noble about putting on a strong face for the world when you’re feeling sad. I love me a strong woman who can still push through no matter the hurt or disappointment. Never let them see you sweat cry.

But on your own? CRY. To certain friends? CRY. Don’t prolong it, but genuinely go through the motions and feel it so that you can sooner release it.

So ladies, if this is you, or this is your friend… be good to yourself/them by simply letting emotions actually be expressed rather than numbed or hidden.

And by the way, I don’t care if he was an asshole and ended it without even a shrewd of emotion. If he merely just shrugged it off. Or ghosted you. (Dick.) Whatever- don’t let how HE handled it completely dismantle the way you saw things and how you’re going to deal with it. That’d entirely be letting him win. Would you rather be bitter in the end? Or clear minded for the next guy? Exactly. The latter. Set yourself up for good things to come.

Long story short: Don’t box in what you think warrants feeling heartbreak. And give your girlfriends the opportunity to be sad before saying a stupid “but you were never together?” comment. For you, for them… let a sista be real with herself and one another.

Women, we’re warriors of the heart. Resilient as f*ck. Don’t wallow forever, but feel it when you gotta feel it. And then on you’ll go! To the next! For however many “flings” it takes until that amazing man (not boy!) walks into your life who is meant for forever. He’s out there. Looking for you. 🙂

Good luck Babetown, keep lifting each other up!

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

9 Responses

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I’m so happy you found value in this Erin. It’s a crappy situation to be in. 🙁 On to the next and hopefully it’s a wonderful experience for you! -Katey

  1. Avatar
    Maddie Howe

    this is scarily accurate to my situation! thank you for this!

    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I’m so happy you were able to relate to someone. It gets better!!! xx

  2. Avatar

    i am a guy, i read this and already feel better. my fling was two days in SF. I got emotionally attached because physically she had all i wanted in a woman. now it hurts but little less after readying and reseaching online knowing its okay to be hurt and express it without feeling guilty or as society forced us guys to man up or suck it up.


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