***I have a 2020 update to this story, how it all panned out, at the end.***
This was originally written in 2017! But man can I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote this.
A tale as old as time: When an ex reaches out.
A question as old as the tale: what to do when an ex reaches out.
Especially… when you’re still not over the person.
Alright– real talk (as always)…. I’m *still* not completely over the guy I wrote about months ago.
Months and months ago. What the actual f*ck. Get some coffee or wine… we’re going deep here.
I guess I’m writing this because I’m certain there are other girls out there who are finding themselves months (maybe even years) down the road after ending a relationship and they still can’t kick the memories of a guy. (Or girl.) Or they still find themselves missing him. Upset with him. Whatever whatever… you get it. Basically asking themselves, “How the heck am I STILL not over this guy?!?”
Reaching out to an ex…. don’t.
Why do exes contact you out of the blue?
Because you’re comfortable to them. Because you stroke their ego. Because they’re craving attention. Because they like knowing you care about them.
Notice how nothing really has to do with YOU, and it all has to do with them. Often it’s quite selfish.
God Bless the souls that can get over someone in near-instant time. I don’t think it means love was never there for them, I just think that perhaps those people are naturally able to look at things more logically and are more pro-active in making moves to get over someone. Or they are just good at fooling us. Most of us are not this way.
Me? I’m nostalgic. I’m emotional. When I hurt, I hurt hard. And true to my creative nature, I need to express it.
Still keeping my dignity intact of course. You won’t find me texting or calling my exes. (Only writing about them sometimes haha.) You won’t find me crying about them for the 100th time to my friends. Maybe only 99 times. 😛 You won’t find me sub-tweeting them. None of that. No “fishing” for them to reach out to me… I don’t do that. It’s dangerous.
And if I ever break that rule, I end up feeling really bad about myself.
Once I sense that my friends (and Mom… hi Mom!) are “over” hearing about my heartbreak, I stop talking about it out loud. Completely. And that’s not to say my friends are cruel and forbid me from talking about it- they’re actually the best because they want to see me move forward. They know I wallow. They know me talking about it again and again doesn’t help after a while. It does the opposite.
I’m a romantic. I get stuck in memories. In what could have been. And maybe you can relate to this. It’s okay for moments, actually quite healing in moments… but in the long run, the long term, returning to old memories over and over again will hold you back. Keep you from being open to the next love.
*Le Sigh*… I’ll sit at home on a Saturday night and submerge into a pool of emotions. Where no one can see me. Where music seeps into my ears and thoughts flow from mind to paper. Not just about love, but life in general. It makes for a successful writer, but can sometimes get me in a funk.
BUT THE NEXT DAY… you bet your ass that I GET UP and put on a cute ass outfit and don’t think about him for a while. 😉 My Mama taught me that! If you’re going to be sad at night, do NOT be sad during the day.
I’ll have a brilliant and beautiful day… but then I’ll check his Instagram. I’ll check his (possibly new girlfriend?)’s Instagram. And every time I feel more and more disappointed in myself. Even having “good days” (which are NECESSARY)… it’s going to be tough.
Have you ever had a friend open up your Instagram account (or Facebook) and they see your ex in your recent searches? CRINGE.
I mean… it’s been over a year now and whether my friends know it or not, I’m still thinking about this guy as I lie awake at night. Not every night anymore, but a lot of them.
It sucks– and girls, if this is you as well… just know I relate so much. It’s taken time, but we’ll make it to the other side. You’re allowed to be sad, you’re not allowed to give up!
It’s odd, I can be heartbroken but still enjoy dating. I urge all my heartbroken ladies to start dating the second they even entertain the idea that they might be ready. I have had a fun dating life in San Francisco. Great flings with great men. (<—nothing more than making out though… I’m a prude LOL #QueenOfBlueBalls)… But yes, I’ve met so many great guys! And it helps. It really helps.
BUT STILL… I have not found the “one” to get me totally over my ex. And look, I am working on myself, my business… all that. I’m confident. I’m ready to rock. But I AM someone who doesn’t get over someone entirely until someone else more significant enters the picture. It’s just how it’s always been for me.
I’d rather be a little heartbroken than be with someone who I can’t see myself with long term. Once I know, I know. I cut em loose. I don’t like to waste time when it comes to matters of the heart.
Dating makes single life fun and makes for fabulous stories and experiences, but I’m not certain it’ll fully get ya over someone. BUT KEEP DATING. It’s nice to have flirt buddies and sweet guys who will compliment you. 🙂 Flex that flirt muscle and remind yourself you still got it. Your “got it” never left!
Back to the guy, I have not talked to him since June. He didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he still wanted me in his life but didn’t want to give me the closure I needed to get over him. I’m thinking he had… one of those times when you still want to keep someone warm just in case. You know? Can’t blame the guy, we’ve all done it… but I couldn’t stick around for that. I knew he loved me as a person. But I loved him, loved him. Going from girlfriend to just his friend hurt too much. We were attracted to each other, had a great relationship… so I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. Still don’t.
It’s hard. I hate that I still have feelings for him. On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. I was in my room dance-cleaning (it’s a thing) and I actually had to sit myself down at my desk, my phone in both of my hands, before I opened his text.
I went back and forth with myself for an hour on whether or not I’d write him back. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
I wanted to write him back.
Reasons an ex texts you
Again, they are lonely.
They want attention.
You are a comfort to them.
You stroke their ego.
Maybe they feel guilty about what happened.
But they don’t WANT you. Unless they explicitly say they want you back (and should you even want them back?) they do not WANT you in that way.
…..I didn’t respond. I can’t. I’m not as far along in being over him as I want to be. I can’t take the bait. It would set me back further and then I’d be even MORE upset with myself. I already feel pathetic meeting all these awesome men and yet I can’t totally shake this ONE guy who broke up with me.
So if you’re in the same boat as me and you KNOW your ex is not the one but you’re still heartbroken over him… keep getting over him. Keep dating. Keep figuring out exactly what you want and need and don’t waste your time.
AND IF HE DANGLES A CARROT… I urge you to swat that shit away. DON’T RESPOND if he reaches out! DM me instead. We can distract each other. I’m serious!
Add me on Instagram- I LOVE CONNECTING THROUGH DM’S! My handle is @TheVioletFog.
***Due to popular demand, I also offer a dating/love consultation for those who want my opinion on what’s going on in your own dating and love life. I’ve had hundreds of conversations with people to help them get a better understanding of what’s going wrong and exactly where they can improve. DM me if you’re interested! @TheVioletFog
I also have other articles on love/heartbreak for you to check out if you’re going through it: Just a quick search for HEARTBREAK will do the trick. 🙂 Not to be a downer, I do find that the more we can relate to people, the more we don’t feel alone. That’s why I like to write.***UPDATE:
Life goes on! I ended up meeting a wonderful guy a year later after I wrote this article and ended up moving for love
. Keep your spirit up! There really are other fish in the sea.
What’s the longest it’s ever taken you to get over a guy? What thoughts do you have to add to this?
Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||