***I have a 2018 update to this story, how it all panned out, at the end.***



A tale as old as time: When an ex reaches out.
A question as old as the tale: what to do when an ex reaches out.

Especially… when you’re still not over the person. 

Alright– real talk (as always)…. I’m *still* not completely over the guy I wrote about months ago.

 
Months and months ago. What the actual f*ck. Get some coffee or wine… we’re going deep here.
 
I guess I’m writing this because I’m certain there are other girls out there who are finding themselves months (maybe even years) down the road after ending a relationship and they still can’t kick the memories of a guy. (Or girl.) Or they still find themselves missing him. Upset with him. Whatever whatever… you get it. Basically asking themselves, “How the heck am I STILL not over this guy?!?”

Reaching out to an ex…. don’t.

 
God Bless the souls that can get over someone in a near instant. I don’t think it means love was never there for them, I just think that perhaps those people choose to look at things more logically and are more pro-active in making moves to get over someone. Or they are just good at fooling us. 
 
Me? I’m nostalgic. I’m emotional. When I hurt, I hurt hard. And true to my creative nature, I need to express it.
 
Still keeping my dignity in tact of course. You won’t find me texting or calling my exes. (Only writing about them sometimes haha.) You won’t find me crying about them for the 100th time to my friends. Maybe only 99 times. 😛 You won’t find me sub-tweeting them. None of that. No “fishing” for them to reach out to me… I don’t do that. It’s dangerous. 
 
Once I sense that my friends (and Mom… hi Mom!) are “over” hearing about my heartbreak, I stop talking about it out loud. Completely. And that’s not to say my friends are cruel and forbid me from talking about it- they’re actually the best because they want to see me move forward. They know I wallow. They know me talking about it again and again doesn’t help after awhile. It does the opposite.
 
I’m a romantic. I get stuck in memories. In what could have been. And maybe you can relate to this. It’s okay for moments, actually quite healing in moments… but in the long run, returning to old memories over and over again can hold you back. Keep you from being open to the next love.
 
*Le Sigh*… I’ll sit at home on a Saturday night and submerge into a pool of emotions. Where no one can see me. Where music seeps into my ears and thoughts flow from mind to paper. Not just about love, but life in general. It makes for a successful writer, but can sometimes get me in a funk. 
 
The next day though… you bet your ass that I GET UP and put on a cute ass outfit and don’t think about him for awhile. 😉 My Mama taught me that!
 
You know…I don’t think about him until I check his Instagram again. Or his (possibly new girlfriend?)’s Instagram. And every time I feel more and more disappointed in myself.
 
Have you ever had a friend open up your Instagram account (or Facebook) and they see your ex in your recent searches? CRINGE.
 
I mean… it’s been over a year now and whether my friends know it or not, I’m still thinking about this guy as I lie awake at night. Not every night anymore, but a lot of them.
 
It sucks– and girls, if this is you as well… just know I relate so much.  It’s taken time, but we are still going to make it to the other side. You’re allowed to be sad, you’re not allowed to give up!
 
It’s odd, I can be heartbroken but still enjoy dating. I urge all my heartbroken ladies to start dating the second they even entertain the idea that they might be ready. I’m so boy crazy for AVAILABLE cute men. I have had a fun dating life in San Francisco. Great flings with great men. (<—nothing more than making out though… I’m a prude LOL #QueenOfBlueBalls)… But yes, I’ve met so many great guys! And it helps.
 
BUT STILL… I have not found the “one” to get me totally over my ex. And look, I am working on myself, my business… all that. I’m confident. I’m ready to rock. But I AM someone who doesn’t get over someone entirely until someone else more significant enters the picture. It’s just how it’s always been for me. 
 
I’d rather be a little heartbroken than be with someone who I can’t see myself with long term. Once I know, I know. I cut em loose. I don’t like to waste time when it comes to matters of the heart.
 
Dating makes single life fun and makes for fabulous stories and experiences, but I’m not certain it’ll fully get ya over someone. BUT KEEP DATING. It’s nice to have flirt buddies and sweet guys who will compliment you. 🙂 Flex that flirt muscle and remind yourself you still got it. Your “got it” never left!
 
Back to the guy, I have not talked to him since June. He didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he still wanted me in his life but didn’t want to give me the closure I needed to get over him. I’m thinking… one of those times when you still want to keep someone warm just in case. You know? Can’t blame the guy, we’ve all done it… but I couldn’t stick around for that. I knew he loved me as a person. But I loved him, loved him. Going from girlfriend to just his friend hurt too much. We were attracted to each other, had a great relationship… so I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. Still don’t. 

It’s hard. I hate that I still have feelings for him. On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. I was in my room dance-cleaning (it’s a thing) and I actually had to sit myself down at my desk, my phone in both of my hands, before I opened his text.

I went back and forth with myself for an hour on whether or not I’d write him back. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

I wanted to write him back.

……

 
I didn’t respond. I can’t. I’m not as far along in being over him as I want to be. I can’t take the bait. It would set me back further and then I’d be even MORE upset with myself. I already feel pathetic meeting all these awesome men and yet I can’t totally shake this ONE guy who broke up with me.
 
So if you’re in the same boat as me and you KNOW your ex is not the one but you’re still heartbroken over him… keep getting over him. Keep dating. Keep figuring out exactly what you want and need and don’t waste your time.
 
AND IF HE DANGLES A CARROT… I urge you to swat that shit away. DON’T RESPOND if he reaches out! DM me instead. We can distract each other. I’m serious!

Add me on Instagram- I LOVE CONNECTING THROUGH DM’S! My handle is @TheVioletFog


I also have other articles on love/heartbreak for you to check out if you’re going through it: Just a quick search for HEARTBREAK will do the trick. 🙂 Not to be a downer, I do find that the more we can relate to people, the more we don’t feel alone. That’s why I like to write.

***UPDATE: Life goes on! I ended up meeting a wonderful guy a year later after I wrote this article and ended up moving for love. Keep your spirit up! There really are other fish in the sea.

What’s the longest it’s ever taken you to get over a guy? What thoughts do you have to add to this?

About The Author

Katey Yurko

Katey || INFP || Founder/Director of Violet Fog ||

79 Responses

  1. Avatar
    Tiffany

    I feel this girl and I keep taking the bait. The swings get worse every time too. I’m honestly stuck between, “Hell, I don’t really care, do I?” and, “Please don’t forget about me. What if he changes his mind?” I mean, I’m pretty fabulous, how couldn’t he change his mind? And then, this thought creeps in, “If I’m so fabulous why not just throw my horseshoe?” To be real, dating sucks. It’s an interview, it’s logistics, it’s disappointment. Yes, it’s entertainment and possibility, but it’s mainly just a lot of noise. I’m a romantic reinassance-type. I love hard. I reach deep. SF is Never Never Land and this Wendy is ready for the Lost Boys to grow the F up.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I love your analogy so much and thank you for chiming in!! PLEASE tell me you are about of our all girls Facebook group? It’s called Violet Fog Nice Girls Club… we talk dating all the time and I’d love to hear more of your insight. -Katey

      Reply
      • Avatar
        Delaney

        My bf has been with his ex fir thirty years without sex but he is afraid of her. He took me out for my birthday and slept here a few hours. Woke up. At 4 am and had sex with me then got dressed and went back to his exes house they share. He won’t move out. But he’s texting and caking. Should I tell him I will never see him gin until he moves out or just never answer. He has tons of money to get his own okce

      • Avatar
        Bex Henderson

        Hi Katey,
        I do not have a Facebook account and wondered if there is another way of joining in. Also do you mind if us Lesbians join in also?
        regards Bex

      • Violet Fog
        Violet Fog

        Ahh I’m not as active in that group anymore!! Feel free to add me on IG! @TheVioletFog

      • Avatar
        Thomas

        I just want to take a step up and own these issues as well. I am a GUY, and I knew my girlfriend for 3 years and we dated for the next 2. It ended about 6 months after she moved several states away for work. Over those months it was the typical slowly starting to meet different people, having less time for us to talk, and then the eventual excuses about how she couldn’t get off work to visit me, or because she had a roommate (female) and shared a car, getting me to and from the airport, and me staying at her place would be difficult. It seemed “odd” to me that she was still able to find time to drive all over the place for and with friends, and more odd that the same guy kept popping up in this group of “friends”. ANYWAY-The writing was on the wall by the last month of our relationship, and I actually COMPLETELY understood. She wasn’t sure how long she would be working there or if she might be relocated, and I had a home and a great job, so moving right away wasn’t practical. I even asked her a few times to tell me if something was wrong, if she was falling for this guy, or if she just wanted to move on. Each time, even to the MORNING of the day *SHE DECIDED* to pursue a relationship with “the new guy”, she would tell me she loved me, we were meant to be, and we would find a way to make it because we always did. I was floored because I had been trying everything for months to make us both happy. Of course I hoped that it was just a fling, and because of “US”, we would work it out. The *best* part (puke) was that because we had been friends so long, and knew so much about each other, – we still talked and or messaged once or twice a week for the next few months, but of course, she ended up moving and living with him. Honestly, it took a year for us to have an actual break in communications, and by that I mean a few months. Over the last 2 years, every few months either I or she will randomly email the other to catch up, or ….idk torture ourselves I guess, (mostly me). In the last year she got married, and we still each sent an email, and my last one was a step toward closure, I accepted my part in things going wrong, forgave her for things and wished her well. 6 months later, out of nowhere, she called me (-_- 2 days before her birthday)-then just a month ago she sent me the dreaded “bait” happy birthday email-along with telling me that she had a baby. She hasn’t contacted me on my last 3 birthday’s, so I wasn’t sure if it was ACTUALLY to wish me happy birthday, or to tell me she had a baby, and of course closed with the “I just wanted to say happy birthday this time and I hope things are good.”
        I haven’t responded in a month, and don’t plan to, but yes, I feel like it’s an attempt to break down all the progress I made over the last year. And of course I mentally did the typical “Is she trying to reach out, is she unhappy, does she still care about me…is she trying to rub her life in my face…” In the end, I decided that we are BOTH on our own paths now, AND she is married with a child, so we have NO REASON to connect anymore- and she probably wanted to have a reason to “be nice” and still tell me she had a baby. I’ve been in a great relationship for more than a year, and she knows that, and with HER LIFE, so she has to know that we really have nothing in common anymore. I just feel it’s “bait” and that she wants to know if I care that she had a baby or that she actually remembered my BD this time. ANYWAY- it’s not just women that take time to heal, and it’s not just men that like to dangle the carrot to see if you’re still anxious to hear from them.

    • Avatar
      Lola

      Hi, I’m wondering if you are still taking the bait? I am /was also doing it for two years. Him & I back & fourth. He’s dated, he’s cheated on his new girls with me. He still keeps me available. I have run into him on dating apps. He loves me one day not the next. He’s hot & then cold. My last string I tried so so hard & ignored all his messages. I have tried blocking then I unblock it’s me it’s him. Needless to say, he got into a very bad car accident (well I thought it was bad, it looked terrible) I caved inn.. it was just an excuse too see me, maybe have sex. It’s always when it’s convenient for him. I haven’t moved on we’re going on almost three years & I feel so heartbroken, so useless, so ugly… just everything. I am seriously depressed & I kept holding on hope thinking “ well he still comes running back because obviously it’s not working out with anyone else. Weather that be him or them, I’m still in his mind. Anyways lately he’s been really sexually rude to me telling me not to waste my time with him if I don’t sexually give him what he wants. I refuse he is not my boyfriend. A friend of mine saw him on tinder dating site once again! I am just heart broken. I keep telling myself too block him and never looked back when I’m really good. I’m reeellt good. But apart of me misses him so deeply. He recently bought a puppy and he was never a dog guy! That was the last thing I ever thought. I’m super jealous I’m not around for it. More hurt. I sent him a nasty msg (because I’m hurt) of his tinder picture. I blocked everything & I am going to try. I have too. It’s pretty obvious he is not the one for me. It’s pretty clear with his actions. He can say a lot of words.
      He says stuff but never follows through. I think he says these things to allow me to hear what I wanna hear. He fools me every time and I’m mad at myself for thinking he could change etc. I am terrified I’m never going to move on. I’m scared he’s always going to be my first thought when I wake up & my last thought at night. I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss who he was when he said he wanted to marry me and have me be the mother of his children. Help… I’m so scared I will cry over him for eternity & constantly creep his social media & see how he’s not even hurt or lonely or has zero conscious of how he’s treated me. I have done nothing wrong. I was there for him through his drug addictions in rehab. I did everything and anything my little heart could have done for him & then some. I loved him when he was down and hated. I loved him more than life itself.

      Reply
      • Violet Fog
        Violet Fog

        I don’t take the bait. I’m happily in love with someone else because I let go! Message me on IG… I’ll send you a voice message. @TheVioletFog

      • Avatar
        NARCSURVIVOR

        This man is a NARCISSIST whatever you do PLEASE STAY AWAY from him and seek counseling you are a victim of a narcissist.

      • Violet Fog
        Violet Fog

        Oh he’s no longer in my life anymore! Thank you for caring and reading!! xx Katey

      • Avatar
        Akani

        Hey Lola,
        Based on your story, I would say that NarcSurvivor is right on the money with this one. Please take his advice. Also just read up or watch what the traits of a narcissist may include. Yes, labels are not the best way to go about things, but in survival mode, it’s okay to learn what a danger sign is, and try to avoid what lies beyond as best as you can. It will also help you realise that despite all you have been and want to be for the bois, he is beyond your help, girl. Until he sees what is lacking in him, he won’t be able to do much for you. I’ve encountered numerous guys of this nature and the messed up part of the story may be that, with you, the guys trusts he will always get lucky, hence… He keeps coming back. I did this dance with someone I felt I truly loved for a year, and it happens way more often than you think, so don’t ever feel alone or ugly for it. I reckon people push the envelope with others and slowly, someone observant enough sees your pattern of always taking them in, and tends to exploit that – based on whatever compass guides them. If it’s truly love, someone sees you at what you feel is your weakest point, and they go with you step by step, and help you realise what you have been missing. He hasn’t been doing this – demanding things you cannot give. Even boyfriends/husband’s in this day and age get that it’s not all about submission. Sex should not make sense if one party is not okay with going through with it. You may know this, but I remind you, you owe him nothing.
        … The one year stud still bothers me, because opportunists don’t seem to rest. Resisting makes them want what they can’t have. Succumbing seems to make them want one more and lose interest thereafter. That is what the chase is all about for some and sadly… You become one’s quickest route to scoring. The people putting us through a lot will be quick to make promises, call it love. If what he is giving is his love language and not yours… You have a right to trust yourself. See how you feel after every encounter with him. If you are drained, constantly have to look over your shoulder, it’s okay to realise that he isn’t a bad person, but just not good for you. The ones who leave you feeling lighter are your people… Even if you aren’t romantic with them.
        People do a lot to you in the name of love. But once you are able to put the L word away and gauge if you would let a stranger treat you that way or if you would treat anyone that way, you will be able to decide if this guy is good for you. You can learn/create your own love language – we don’t all have the same one. But your spirit should guide you. Just notice your mood. Write a lot. Cry a lot. Learn yourself. It helps.

        Please break contact. Learning that you can be healthy and at peace without someone does a lot in terms of building the trust for your instinct and for your spirit.

        For breaking contact – Delete his number, block, unfriend… Break contact in every possible avenue leading to him if you must. Create a buddy system where there is no judgement. And go step by step with that person/group (2-3 people for comfort? – separate one-on-one or you guys can all strategise and reflect together, up to you). Share your successes (literally from, ‘I forgot about him for an hour’ to ‘I didn’t check his profile on any form of social media all evening’ – if you didn’t go the block route) and relapses with these people. Reach out to your loved ones or a trusted aqcuaintance for this exercise – someone among them, you feel knows you best, who may be able to offer advice without you feeling judged or rushed. If they seem to be panicking too much, they care… Let them. And bond with them.
        Surround yourself with people who love you. They want to help at times, but aren’t sure what to do or how deep your pain runs. The world can never be short of them. This guy also has people who are taking care of him, it’s not your job anymore. Accept the help you have not allowed from others, you will be better off. They won’t know how to help sometimes, ask them. Cry with them, grab ice-cream with them. You might go home sad again, but slowly, you go to sleep and marvel at how you thought about him less. It’ll be a long process because 3 years is also a long time. But easy does it. If you love him after all this time, so what? Your advantage is self-awareness and acceptance at this point.
        He may come back, girl. After all, he didn’t call it quits, so he may expect open arms. The fact that he won’t leave you alone despite him not knowing how to handle you shows his lack of respect for whatever boundaries you try to build and whatever good life you are yet to create for yourself.

        But I know that you will slowly realise that he just doesn’t know what to do with your flavour of magic. Slowly, he will show you that. And you will also grow to love and despise him less. And may find that you won’t even have the energy for that. Once you focus on someone better – always yourself and the things that feed your light, there won’t be much else left to give. – All the best, kid. It happens to the best of us. What lies ahead of this hurdle will be a sickening beauty!

        Ask God or whatever powers that be to set you free. Ask for peace, ask for forgiveness, for him, but especially for yourself. Say sorry, acknowledge that you didn’t know better. Forgive yourself for allowing so much. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling together. Sometimes people mess around with us as much as we let them, so for now, it seems best to keep him at bay. Pray. Ask to be released from the confines that bind you today. Remember that you walk with the Mighty – Your God, Your Ancestors, Your Fam, GangGang, Squad… Whoever😇. Keep them close and forge forward.

        If you’re talking to us, you’re well on your way.

      • Avatar
        Joy

        I stumbled upon this somehow and Lola, you and I are the same. Mine was six years, this December. Met a new girl and he goes back and forth with us. Loves me, can’t stop thinking about me, will be who I need someday. Only to turn around and lying about talking to the girl that broke is up. None of these behaviors were present in him before he met her in August 2018. After six months, he demanded for me to break up with my new boyfriend and he was going to say bye to her and we would be together. Two months later he had reached out to her. A few months with her, came back. Again, talked to her in July/August. Came back with “I want to be better.” I said this is the last chance I can give you. He ended up saying he was depressed (which he very much is) and turning towards her AGAIN! Lied, of course. Went away for a month. I finally felt better. Last week he came back with the lies. Said he wasn’t gonna see her this last weekend. Found out he was with her Friday night and oh Lord I caused a scene. Showed up there. Anyways. I have been in denial that he is a narcissistic moron because, like I said, never had this behavior before. But this is it. I can’t do it again. I wasted a year giving him chance after chance. I know he will be back, and I can’t wait for him to see that I have finally woke up. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. I can’t shake the thoughts of him. Can’t get over what we had and what I thought we would have. I am currently focusing on the present day and if I met him today, I would want nothing to do with him. It’s an awesome feeling when you know you aren’t alone. And you can find others and form a strong, support system with one another. We got this!

      • Violet Fog
        Violet Fog

        Keep moving on! He sounds horrible. Cherish the lessons and good memories but please keep that behind you! xx Katey

  2. Avatar
    Regina

    My ex was so in love with me for 3.5 years. We were solid. Then suddenly she went cold. I begged at one point, asking where she went, what changed, how could she be so indifferent to me? Then she just broke up with me. Like I was a stranger. Everyday since then she calls to say she doesn’t want to break up but also still doesn’t want to be with me. I took the carrot every time, hoping the woman I used to know would come back. But after weeks of breadcrumbs, I asked her to stop contacting me. Her response? “Ok.” Hope is the enemy. That person is gone, dead, and they’re not coming back. Don’t take the bait!

    Reply
    • Avatar
      Lenora Riley

      Hi in reading your story which sounds similar to mines the word narcissist came up in my research, after I went into No Contact mode. Read up on it and see from others stories does yours fall into a familiar category. Good luck

      Reply
  3. Avatar
    Martin

    Ohhh god.. I am a guy, and reading your story made me.. (NO I AM NOT GONNA ADMIT I DID CRY!!)
    Here is my story:
    2 years ago i moved out of my ex wifes apartment. We where done with each other. had therapy and everything together. We managed to part as friends (and still are). I moved to a new flat, and 3 weeks later i meet this girl that took my breath away. I really fell hard for her. She was not interested in anything other than friendship, and i was ok with that, thinking it was good for me to not jump into a relationship just yet. However, we became lovers, and then a couple. She told me she loved me, i told her i loved her. then she told me she did not want a relationship with me. But she still loved me… So i broke up. I though it was odd that someone who loved me did not want to be anything else than a lover, and i was hurt. A week later she came back and wanted the relation with me again. So we where together for a year. Then one day i needed to go for a 10 day course. during those days we would send messages to each other. She would send me selfies, telling me she missed me, i would respond that i missed her to. When i came back, she was not very keen to see me. I joked about it saying it was strange she missed me when she could not have me, and when i was available she had other things to do. 2 weeks later some friends at work have a “find a monster on tinder” competition. Guess what. There she was. my GF. with a tinder profile with the same pictures she had messed me just a few weeks ago. a very detailed text about what she was looking for as well. My workfriends poked fun at me. I threw up in the bathroom. angry and hurt, and humiliated by all my coworkers i erased her from all my social media and my phone. I broke up with her. Sitting in a park on a blanket in the summer sun eating a sallad together 2 days later she told me she had lost feelings for me. we parted.. but the next days the text messages started to come. She missed me. She cried all the time and felt awfull. 2 weeks later on my birthday she called with tears in her voice wishing me a happy birthday. You wrote: “On my birthday, he texted me and it literally sucked the air out of my lungs when I saw his name pop up. “. i understand that feeling. I had friends over for a barbecue and i had to go cry my eyes out, and then try and return to my party.. and everyone of my friends patted my on my back as if i was some broken child they needed to feel sorry for.. what a crappy party that turned out to be. I felt miserable. 5 days later it was her birthday. I phoned her. Asked what she meant with all the “i miss you” messages. Asking why she felt bad. She had no answer. i asked her straight out.. do you want me back.. her answer was no. I asked her to not contact me again. it hurt to much.

    a moth later i contacted her. we spent some time together. She wanted us to be friends. She told me she indeed had feelings for me. But getting back together was not what she wanted. She wanted no relationship.

    I know i will love her until i find a new love, or until she finds someone new. hope can fuel love for a long long time. Now i am just trying to be her friend hoping she will open up one day and explain what was going on so i can get closure. it doesent matter if i continue to see her or not. I will think of her anyways. This way i will get closure.. maybe.. she told me she did not want to talk about it. She wanted to wait a few months.. ?? why?

    And dating? Ha! have you ever had that strange feeling that comes from someone unmatching you 5 minutes before your supposed to meet for a coffe? No explanation.. and your wondering if maybe you unmatched the person by misstake while putting the phone in your pocket.. Welcome to my world

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Martin!!

      Ahhh. Let me just say that I love a guy who can dive into his feelings. Not only important for mental health but often creates such a supportive environment for whoever they end up with. What a crazy emotional story!!!! That girl does NOT deserve your time or energy. I can’t believe she treated you like such a throw-away person when you were so good to her. Yo-yo relationships suck, point blank. And I hope you find someone who treats love and relationships as seriously as you do.

      Reply
  4. Avatar
    Lizzy P.

    My ex and I have been broken up for over a month. We had been dating for a year. 3 days before our breakup I asked him what intentions are with me. He asked if I wanted to move in with him and I let him know I was not ready for that. (I am divorced with a 3 year old and didn’t want to step into anything unstable without truly knowing where this was going)
    Here is how it went down. I was putting my son to bed and unbeknownst to me he goes through my phone (I keep no key lock on it). I fell asleep in my sons room and wake up when I heard my phone alarm in my room where my ex was. I climbed into bed but he felt distant. I asked If he was ok he said He was a little tired. He kisses me goodbye. At lunch time at work he sends me a text telling me that he is not upset but I have choices and he wants to walk away from the relationship and he won’t get into specifics but I know why. (At the time I didn’t know that he looked through my phone). When I got the message my heart skipped several beats I was sweating and had full on panic attack. For hours I begged him to call me and answer me. He wouldn’t take my phone call or text. 3 hours later he send me a phone number of my good friend a guy that I’ve know since I was 15 years old (half my life). I text my ex and tell him he is my friend and just that. My ex was convinced that I was in a relationship with him. He tried calling me but I didn’t hear the phone ring. He sent a text saying that I know you are with him I (I was in my bed alone sleeping) and told me what intentions he had for me. That was the week it all went down. I called back and no response. I text and told him I am going to chase him but we should talk by phone or un person to clear up this nisunderstanding and I am ready to talk when he is. That was Friday. Sunday.. I broke.. I called him. Then I texted and video messaged. Nothing he barely responded to my text. Telling me that i hurt him like his ex (according to him she left him because he didnt give her enough time. He was working the grave yard shift. She met another guy and left him. When me met he started working 9 to 5 then shifted to grace yard and I was some insecurities set in) did and just telling me it was over. Then I told him ok. I would leave him be. I didn’t contact him. Since then the only contact we’ve had was when he sent a a song called Lucid dreams via text 2 weeks after. I text him back telling him let’s talk. No response. I called him and he responds via text with ????. I then send him a text that I will leave him alone because I don’t deserve the silent treatment and being called dishonest for a dishonest thing he had done in the first place. I also told him he was playing games and I thanked him for our good times and wished him all the best. I continued working through my grief. This was hard for me because it was the first relationship after my divorce and I opened up to him when I thought I wouldn’t open myself up to anyone. I deleted pictures and text messages from my phone and boxed up gifts he sent. 1 month post break up he send me a message on Xbox live. We are gamers. I see him online but don’t reach out. He send me an a crying face Emoji. IDK was he making fun of me or was he feeling sad? I don’t know but what I do know is I cannot respond. My pride won’t let me do it. I reached out so much pleading for his attention and explanation…closure! And he sends me that? An emoji? I love him, but this is so exhausting. Should I let it go?

    Reply
  5. Avatar
    Steve

    I relate to this WAY more than I wish I did. Sorry this will be a long story, I met this girl online just off of my campus about a year and a half ago, I had to wait about a month to get my car on campus so we took it slow and continued to just text each other. Our first date was set for Oct. 14, she cancels last second. She had a good excuse so I let it slide and rescheduled for the next week. She cancels again, this time because she “forgot to do the laundry”. This pattern of bad excuses continues until Halloween when she decides to just start rejected me outright because of anxiety. I keep at it (I’m stubborn like that and also get it because I have really bad anxiety to) all the way until March when she finally gives in and we go on a date. At this point my anxiety strikes at full force and I panic, she gets a bad vibe and accuses me of not liking her. I say nothing and we break up. We get back together 5 days later and don’t go on another date until late April, it goes amazing and I learn at that moment about my anxiety and how to control it. Then she decides to break up with me over text saying that she can’t be in a relationship and I drive to her house and calm her down. 2 weeks later I drive 3 hours back to my home for the summer and we go back to long distance aside from an absolutely amazing week in the summer where I fall in love with her. Early August roles around and I go on vacation about 9 hours from my house (13 from hers). She has the option of having me come up to her house or going camping with her parents that weekend which she really doesn’t want to do. So she says I have to stay the weekend with her and I say I don’t want to make that drive for a weekend and that turns into her freaking out at me again. I end up cutting my vacation short and driving the 13 hours to see my GF who doesn’t even pretend to be excited to see me and says I look cranky. The weekend goes well but I would have appreciated it if she at least looked happy to see me. Everything goes amazing from this point on and I fall in love with her. Up until late Sept when we started fighting constantly and she clearly wasn’t happy. We take a 2 week break in Oct and get back together the week of Halloween. She breaks up with me over text Nov 13th and that was it.

    Right before Christmas she reaches out to wish me a Merry Christmas, I take the bait and we start talking again. I ask if she’s thought about getting back together and she gives me an indiffinative “idk” and I get hopeful again and think we can salvage the relationship. We continue to talk and slowly heal when she texts me “hey babe”. My heart skips a beat in excitement and I reply “yes baby?”. 20 minutes later I get a “don’t be mad but that totally wasn’t for you”. Turns out she met a guy during our 2 week break and was cheating on me the rest of the relationship.

    Now I’m back to square one of the healing process and I really wish I didn’t take the bait and let her hurt me even more. Should have read this before having to learn the hard way that reaching back out to an ex will only result in more pain and suffering

    Reply
  6. Is It Okay For A Significant Other To Be Friends On Social Media With An Ex? | Violet Fog

    […] I had an ex once that stayed friends with every single ex and old fling of his on Instagram and he liked and interacted with all of their photos. And guess what? Because of this digital tether, he’d often get texts from them. Thus always having their presence in his life- making less room for me. I knew he was never cheating on me. But you know how this STILL made me feel? I’m sure you can guess. […]

    Reply
  7. Avatar
    Danielle

    I felt compelled to comment because I am going through this exact situation right now. This was my second serious relationship and the first time I was dumped and absolutely heartbroken for a solid month and a half. And I’m the same way, I really don’t ever truly move on from someone until someone else more significant comes into my life (gotta love being a hopeless romantic lmao). So, after 3 months of absolutely no contact between me and my ex ever since our break up, he finally reached out last night. He wants to grab coffee this week to catch up and that he “really misses being my friend and hates that we don’t talk at all.” When I saw this text I couldn’t help but feel all giddy, and immediately all the scenarios and thoughts of “what could be” flooded my mind and kept me awake all night. As tempting as it is to try and rekindle an old flame, I know in the long run it will end up being a lot of wasted time, energy, and unnecessary nights spent crying over the wrong person. It’s so hard to have a high emotional intelligence yet still have a heart of gold that just wants to love!!!

    Reply
  8. Avatar
    Nancy powell

    we separated. I still love him, but some how feel its unfair. Why love someone who doesn’t love you back? Ive prayed & prayed for these months & nothing. He is still with his new girlfriend(whom he lives with) but it doesn’t mean I have to look for help The first weeks after the break up I was in my knees praying looking for help, them i fine a comment online how a Man help to restored relationship get ex lover back, ” so i decided to give a try cuz i love my boyfriend so much. so i contacted Dr. 😊💖💖💖 and told him all my problem and he gave me 100%guarantee that i will have my boyfriend back after the spell so i was gifted and lucky to have contacted him i did everything he asked of me and to my greatest surprise a day after the service, my boyfriend called me and apologized for what he did to me and ask for my forgiveness to come back home for me, I got really hurt & go through those moments in which he left me, after all Dr. did for me, i forgave him and he came back home with more love and happiness all thanks to Dr… So plz, if you need any help contact him too on this. You will see in conclusion you have to just trust the process, Robinson.buckler relationship helper

    Reply
  9. Avatar
    Ronald

    This is very interesting but I don’t understand something. My ex girlfriend broke up with me. I started no contact and 2 months after she texted me and said: hi and hope you are doing well. Just wanted to say hello. 4 hours after I replied and sai: hi, I am doing well and hope you too, thanks. 1 day after she texted back: I am very happy to hear you are doing well. I am doing well too. I got a new job 3 weeks ago.. Smiley face. I am being polite and having class. Our breakup wasn’t bad at all. 1 day after I texted: congratulations on your new job, smiley face and hope you like it and glad to hear you are doing well. She replied 7 minutes after telling everything about her new job. Then she asked about my job and I said that I was doing something else and the other job will be back soon and I working hard on a steady job with benefits. I could realize that she wanted to know about my new job but I did not give her information about me, my life… She broke up with me.. Then she texted: that’s great.. Smiley face.  Then I said: I’ve been working hard to make things happen. This is about a new job that I want to start. She replied smiley face again. 15 minutes after I replied with 2 hands praying. It’s been 2 weeks now and I didn’t hear from her again. Holidays are coming and makes me very sad because I won’t be able to celebrate with her and her family. It hurts…
    Any idea why she texted me and vanished? This is very confusing and I really want to understand why..
    Thanks and I appreciate any help!

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Ronald! My heart goes out to you. I’m sure she’s a great girl. But if she broke up with you and isn’t trying to actively see you or actively tells you she loves you or misses you- then she is just being kind. She might just wants attention (my first guess) and I don’t think she at ALL wants to get back together with you. I know it hurts but you will meet someone else! Just stay warm to love and keep her in the past! You are not over her so don’t talk to her! Keep your distance! I wish you the best! xx Katey

      Reply
  10. Avatar
    Nikki

    Yeah I literally am still hung up and just broken over break up. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to him. He reached out and says “please don’t hate me and I hope you are doing ok and I smile when I hear our songs”…. I’m like “wow I don’t like you and I literally cannot listen to our songs I cry and I’m fine” But I have not responded. I wish I could be where hes at but emotionally its too much emotionally for me. I want to move on with my life. Just baffles me that he doesn’t realize what and ass he was. Its a lot easier as you stated to not even go there if your not over it. Its only a set back. I know everyone handles situations differently. I’ll be laying awake tonight because he reached out again! Maybe not but I am so over it, the whole sad thing and I lost love of my life and will I ever have a SINGLE day when I don’t think about our wonderful memories. But everything happens for some type of wonderful reason. LOL. Best wishes to all who are in the same boat !! Thank you VIOLET FROG for you sincere thoughts, glad to know we are not alone on this journey.

    Reply
    • Avatar
      Lissa Taylor

      How are you doing now? Me and my fiancé ended things less than two months ago and I moved out. I feel like I’m in a fog. He tries to call and check on me a couple of times a week but I think it sets me back farther. He was such a big part of my life plus I’m not from this area so my social circle is very small. I’d love to hear some advice. Godspeed

      Reply
      • Violet Fog
        Violet Fog

        Oh Lissa I am so sorry you to hear this 🙁 You must be going through such a rough time. Heartache is the worst. I have written a few articles on heartache- I hope they help if you ever get to reading them. I would say the constant contact is 100% holding you back. I truly believe in going cold turkey NO CONTACT. Give yourself room for growth and to learn to be without him- because you WILL be forever without him. You will find love again if you stay warm to it! Don’t grow cold and don’t give up. In order to get over him, GRIEVE him. It gets HARDER before it gets easier but be willing to go through that so that you can reach the light at the end of the tunnel! I am @TheVioletFog on IG if you ever want to check in! Wishing you the best and thank you for supporting VF by reading. xx Katey

  11. Avatar
    Zack

    Ronald, I had an ex text me after 5 years of nc. She went from hot to cold and dumped me via text message 5 years before. It really messed me up for a long time. She sent me a text after 5 years to say she was sorry about my dad passing away. The weird thing is my dad had passed away 2 years before her text. I was surprised she still had my number. Maybe she found it on fb. The text was just small talk and that was it. Two more years went by until she sent me a fb request. Unfortunately I accepted only to see photos of her with her long time boyfriend. She looked so happy. It broke my heart all over again. I gave it a couple weeks to see if she would send a message but that never happened. I knew that I had to unfriend her..It just hurt too much. 6 years has gone by and she probably didn’t even notice that we are not fb friends anymore. It sounds like your ex is playing games just like my ex did. Maybe she sends you random text to feel better about herself and breaking up with you. The text are not really for us..if that makes sense. I felt like this is why my ex reached out to me in small ways. It’s a very selfish thing to do. All we can do is move on and let karma do the rest.

    Reply
  12. Avatar
    Robby

    My girlfriend and I dated for 2 years. We were super solid. Loved her to death. And almost moved in together. She left me out of the blue in November (2018). Didn’t talk for a while, talked back in January and things went well then she found someone else. Didn’t talk to her since then. Now, April 16. Randomly, she texts me asking “you doing okay?” I still haven’t responded. It’s taken me a long while to get over her and I’m finally making progress. I know her family miss me because I’ve gotten texts from them about it. Is she just trying to be nice? Is there something else to it? I’m still debating whether or not to respond back or just leave it. Any help would be great. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      If she is with someone else I would just leave it.
      Also– it sounds like talking to her would set you back.
      I wouldn’t respond!

      Reply
  13. Avatar
    Shana

    My ex came back after the no contact rule. This man only DM me some memes . I told him if he wants to talk he can pick up the phone and call. But still continues to send memes on IG. Should I keep respond to his DM?

    Reply
  14. Avatar
    Een

    Hi Katey,

    Thanks for your updates and advice.

    In short – my ex and I dated for 8 months. First 4 we were together almost 24/7 cause we were in the same job on a cruise ship – so it’s all day and everyday. It was amazing. She has commitment issues (and now that I have read articles I think is a narcissist) and took her a while to say ok we are official. Carried on and all was awesome. Then we had to do 4 months long distance. We handled it pretty well for the most part, no fights no drama – just frustration. Towards the end she started to drift and a friend told me she was struggling with the distance. I said ok well I will come live in your city for a bit and we can just forget the distance thing. She said we need to talk when I see her next. So I visited for the day – she dumped me. Told me that she needed to be on her own, wants to focus on her career and that she doesn’t feel that we are in love any more, just there for each other. I was pretty shocked since the two weeks before we had met up for a day, things happened – if you catch my drift. Anyways – I left heartbroken. Gave her some space and two weeks later we Skyped and I said are you sure this what you want? She said I dunno. I said well I will still come to your city if you think we can work this out. She cried and cried and said no that’s too much pressure and if it doesn’t work then she will feel guilty etc. again – I was hurt. Trying everything. NC again for about 2 months – then I sent her a letter. Not to get her back but to say I understand how she feels and that me moving would’ve been intense but that I do miss her and what we had was great ! She message right back and said she missed me too and wanted to talk. I got excited (bad idea). So we set up another Skype. The days leading up to this we had texted a little bit and she was using a few inside jokes, from when we were dating. So I guessed it was positive (again wrong). We spoke on Skype and things started ok – catching up etc. and then it got onto a bit more emotional stuff like I have been thinking about you and she cried. And I said so what are we doing? If you miss me then let’s make a plan to see each other. She said she would want to see me, but that’s it’s not a good idea because I would see it as something and she would see it as another thing. Ie: I am interested in dating again and she is interested in friendship. So she then had a mini melt down at the idea of me wanting to go and visit her or to make a plan to see each other. Full blown tears and heavy breathing panic attack! I was like WHOAW – ok chill. I did let’s just end this call and we did. I texted her and said sorry if that made her react that way – and explained that while she thinks all I want is a serious relationship she is wrong. I want a relationship like the one we had, with not thinking about the future at all. She said she still wants what she wanted before – her career and focus on herself etc. she said she still wants to be friends and after much thought I said no. I told her I can’t be friends because for me it will always be more. Told her she was the best relationship I ever had and that doesn’t become a friendship to me – because it will always be more. She said ok and wished me luck for the future. 7 months goes by…..I am JUST about out of the woods in terms of getting over her. Still think about her daily but not as much and still compare other girls to her – which seems crazy?! but anyways…I was happy and had even asked a girl out recently and didn’t think about her at all on the date etc. so I was good. Then I wake up one morning from a text from the other side of the world (I am in UK and she is in USA). It’s a long message – saying that if I want to delete the message then I can and that I don’t need to read any further down if I never want to talk to her again…dramatic…and the rest said – that she had been thinking about reaching out recently JUST to see how I was doing. And that she heard from a mutual friend that you are starting your own business – that’s so great. And he said you are doing really well – which makes me so happy. And that she hopes I am in a really good place mentally (when we broke up I admitted to suffering from work depression and low self esteem) … anyways – it was a positive and I’m so glad you are happy and doing well message. Nothing more and no questions etc. I took my time to think IF i should even reply but I can’t ignore people. Sorry…I know you are pro-ignore! Not in my nature. So I messaged back light hearted. I said ‘yeah I am now a CEO. Of the smallest company in the world 🙂 – it’s going well and life is great – I hope everything is ok for you”

    – just like that.

    Two days on – no reply. Not that I was expecting one and I kind of closed off the conversation by saying hope all is well – because I don’t want to be dragged into it like I was before. It was the most amazing relationship/natural connection I have ever had – maybe not the right person but to date the best I’ve felt with someone else.

    So what my question I guess is, maybe it’s unanswerable is – what does she want?! Like why the hell after 7 months does she think it’s ok to drop me a kind and positive message and be supportive? Like – we are not friends. And also – why not message and say hello first and then get into the I am happy for you part.

    I dunno if this is her feeling sorry for herself. Her trying to stay valid in my mind. Her wanting to say something else but using this kindness as a mask. Or what?! My best guess is that she thought – after 7 months, he will have cooled off and is now much more OK with just being friends. And when I responded in quite a short manner she thought – oh maybe not. Which is why she has disappeared again. …. but again – I am caught up because I am glad she reached out (means she was thinking of me – one way or another) – but also, I don’t know why she was and if it was just for friendship then it’s not worked out and for me, hurts – for her doesn’t matter.

    It’s left me in a spin and I was so close to being Ok ! 🙁 :(. And now my inclination is to text her a second time and say ‘everything is ok right’ ? Just to see if I can find out what fueled her to reach out.

    Any advice is very much appreciated and welcomed…..

    Sigh…..ex’s ! !

    THANK YOU!! 🙂

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi there!!

      Thank you for commenting and reading (I hope you continue to come back to VF!) and with the context of your story, I want to give you some straightforward advice. I’m sure what you had was passionate and real- but anyone, I mean ANYONE who toys with your emotions like that and is constantly “unsure” is NOT the one for you. I repeat: NOT THE ONE. If you kept trying to work it out you would constantly feel insecure because this girl is wishy washy about you. STAY WARM TO LOVE– true love is out there for you. It will be someone who gets you, comforts you, is SO SURE ABOUT YOU they would never let you go. It comes down to that, it’s simple. Also– it sounds like she just wants the attention. This is very common- don’t give in. Keep the power and keep moving on. I wish you the best!! xx Katey

      Reply
  15. Avatar
    Veronica

    I was able to put an end to my divorce issue and restore my marriage again, because i never wanted it to happen. i don’t know what came over my husband that he was filling for divorce, i tried to talk him out of it when he told me and he didn’t listen to me, i had no other option than to seek for the help of a spell caster and now am glad i did. Because if not for the help of spell, i don’t know what would have become of me by now because i loved my husband so much that i couldn’t stand loosing him. The spell worked like magic with the way and manner my husband change and started showing love instead of the divorce he was planning. i just too happy that everything is in place for me now. I would gladly recommend the use of spell to any one going through marriage problems and want to put an end to it. ______Robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com……………. THANK YOU!!

    Reply
  16. Avatar
    Anser

    Hey. I dated my ex for 7 months. The last two months I got suspicious she was seeing someone else, someone more local. I confronted her and she denied it. We were on and off, one week I’m going to her house, we are going away, another few days shes quite. I got suspicious and needy one night when everything was good as she was online on WhatsApp. I tried messaging her she said she was out with a friend and was texting her on the train home. I tried to call she said she couldn’t and in the morning we had an argument. Few days later she wanted space, as she got out of a 14 year marriage a year ago and has two kids to take care of with her parents. I got a bit needy and said I wanted a chance. I contacted her again 5 days later, we hardly spoke after that and then I met the at the train station, she said she couldn’t talk. She got in the train and texted me saying she wanted space and that it was fun. I got needy a bit and said I wanted to meet her and that she was making mistake. Did no contact. 2 weeks later she said reached out and said ” Hey hope you are good. I hope all your job options worked out. I had a great time with you but as I’m sure you understand I need some space and time and think you are better off moving forward. Sarah”
    I replied a few hours later saying “Yeh no worries, everything’s good thanks”. That was today. I’m lost, I want her back, I know it’s because I got needy, demanding, as I never felt like this for someone before.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Anser- thank you for reading Violet Fog and supporting! Taking the time to read and comment, etc. I’m going to keep this simple: She is not the one for you and you are not the one for her. Love shouldn’t be that complicated and if she WAS the one you wouldn’t be feeling these things to such an excess. Respect her wishes and do yourself some good and MOVE ON. I promise love will find you if you stay warm to it! I wish you the best.

      Reply
  17. Avatar
    Donna

    I got divorced 10 years ago. We stopped talking altogether because it was not very pretty. I mean he tortured me by accusing me of fooling around. I didn’t. Fast forward to this past January. I get a call from him saying “how would you like to put a pool in your backyard” and I said I didn’t need one I now live in Florida. I’ll spare the details but when we were married he broke his leg, started a lawsuit behind my back with his cousin representing him. He now needed me as a witness. He didn’t know I was aware of that lawsuit and certainly wasn’t helping him so I kept on saying I can’t remember. 3 days calling me and asking me to talk to his lawyer. Kept saying I don’t remember anything and stuck to that. Now for years I have been obsessing over him (thoughts not actions lol). I’m thinking after that 3rd call there would be no more contact.

    Well the following week he called with no mention of the lawsuit. We were on the phone going down memory lane- him doing all the talking.

    He’s been calling at least once and sometimes twice a week and we are on the phone for a minimum of an hour. This has been going on for over 5 months now.

    He tells me numerous times that he was deeply in love with me and that I was the only one he felt that way with. I asked him what about the woman you’re living with and he said he loves her but not in love with her. I asked him why he was staying and his answer was she’s a good woman.

    I did finally say to him that he had to be fooling around with the woman he’s living with for 9 years and that he didn’t let any grass grow under his feet and that even if I did remember specifics about his accident I wouldn’t help him enjoy $$ with another woman not to mention I didn’t trust him in sending me money.

    I would take him back but I know he won’t leave her because he’s a nester.

    I know the reality is we will never be together and when I tell him that he throws a monkey wrench in and says that’s what you think.

    I told him the other day that I was happy and got closure and I’m now able to move on with my life. (I’ve been alone for 9 years hoping we would get back together) and that perhaps it’s no longer any good that we talk to each other. That it was not fair to the woman you’re living with. He was disappointed and said he calls because he loves talking to me.

    Yesterday he said I’ll call you ‘next week’ and if you don’t want to talk to me don’t answer the phone.

    Today the phone rang and my cousin answered and it was him so I had to take the call.

    I asked him why he was calling today when he said he’d call next week and he said I was checking to see if you’d answer the phone.

    He has me so confused because he always manages to say these things to give me hope.

    My therapist says he’s controlling me. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to talk to him and another that does. I just don’t want to get too deep into this…it’s been 5 months now.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I’m going to make this simple for you: He is not the one. This is too much drama and betrayal and negative energy. True, good, HEALTHY love is not this way. FREE YOURSELF, DONNA. Free yourself. You will find true love, but you need to let this one go. <3 xx Katey

      Reply
  18. Avatar
    Seth

    My ex who I have dated for two months all of a sudden told me she doesn’t know if she loves me.So I asked her if wanted a break up and she answered she doesn’t know.I started the no contact and she texted me on the 7th day to say hello to me.I replied I have been doing well and continued the no contact.She then called me in three days time to say hello to me.She recently sent me a message that she misses me a lot.Please I don’t understand her actions.Why is she doing that?

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Seth! DM me on Instagram so I can send you a voice message. Too much to type! My handle is @TheVioletFog

      Reply
  19. Avatar
    Nettie

    Wow- Reading this article, I felt like I was the one writing it. Haha. Maybe you’re my writer soul sister! 🙂 Dance-cleaning IS a thing and it’s the best thing. It’s very cathartic.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Even though logically, I know I’m not alone, it always helps to read/see/hear that I’m actually not. Putting that vulnerability out there is so important and being vulnerable, publicly, is not an easy feat. But helping others feel less alone in times of emotional pain is a sign of compassion and love. 🙂 <3

    I dated a guy I work with for 3 years. He told me he was separated but living in same house for the kids sake. I know! I know! I know! All the warnings! This one was different though. Or so it was, up until the point it was not. Le Sigh!

    I focused on the good things that he brought to the relationship and how he helped me overcome some of my biggest fears. When my intuition started getting 5-alarm fire warnings(every 6 months or so), I would ask him, get a believable-enough answer, and tell my intuition to shut up. (Sorry, Intuition!- you always know best)

    I had to break up with him recently because turns out he was NOT separated and his wife was the one to tell me. via email. In not so very nice language. Truthfully, I'm glad she did. Someone had to tell the truth. When I confronted him, he told me he never would've have told me. Lovely to hear that from someone you trusted to your life, heart, body, mind and soul. Me and the wife started exchanging text messages. She gave me the 411 on their marriage which consisted of him cheating more than half the time they've been together. She had questions. I had questions. We answered them for each other. I told her I'm done. I don't want him back but he has some of my stuff.

    Now, because I see him everyday, it's been a little harder but I'm doing OK. He avoids me. I'm just indifferent. Polite. Professional. It's like passing a stranger, which is so bizarre. I look at his face and cannot believe he is this person that did all these terrible things to two women he supposedly "loves". Love's a freaking verb. It's an action. And his actions show me that he has no love for anything. If he loved himself, he wouldn't be hurting others emotionally the way he is. I read that this behavior is called Narcissistic sociopath. Not once has he responded to anything I've said to him. He's just not acknowledging it. Wondering what I'm talking about. (that makes me see red) Yet, he has said that he doesn't, get this, trust ME, because I could be working with his wife to spy on him. Um, first of all, get over ya damn self and second, he doesn't trust me?! What?!? The Liar and the cheater doesn't trust me(the one who was loyal this whole time)…….WOW. OK. Moving on.

    Anyway, he has a few of my things and I want it back asap so I don't have to talk to him anymore and he's dragging out the process. Making every "woe is me" excuse and I just don't care. I've already told the wife 2 weeks ago that he has my stuff, thinking that would help, but it hasn't. I can see what he's doing, trying to drag it out, so I don't move on and him texting me randomly to "keep me around". Curious how to handle next time he texts me making excuses. I just want to leave this disaster and move on as quickly as possible. He didn't choose me after this whole thing blew up in his face and I'm not going back to him, so I don't know what he's trying to pull here. Thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Nettie- OMG. My heart goes out to you!!!!I can’t BELIEVE this story (but do!!! Just, WOW.) Will you please DM me on Instagram so I can send you some voice messages?? I have some thoughts!! My handle is @TheVioletFog. I’ll be looking for your message! xx Katey

      Reply
  20. Avatar
    Shallyn Pierre-Dixon

    I was married for 13 years. My marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. I was his loyal, faithful supportive and trusting Wife. He had an additional wild side that went out of control. The last incident is when I found out that he was having an affair 2 weeks before our 14th wedding anniversary. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me. It was so hard to move on so i had to reach out for help. Our marriage therapist thought that “something” was not right about my husband. I went online and i found out about Lord Lugard and his good spell work reviews. I ordered for a Love spell on his website. 24 hours later in the morning around 09:34am I was totally shocked on how my Husband called me telling me how much he missed me. His spell worked on me so fast and my husband has been so loving, Natural and I’m having a happy marriage after using his love spell. You can reach him on his Tel: +1 818-869-8074

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I am so happy you found something that worked for you Shallyn. And may you find a beautiful love in the future!! xx Katey

      Reply
  21. Avatar
    sonia

    Yesterday he reached out, we have been apart for 3 weeks with no contacts besides some likes he has left on Facebook,on my songs or on my posts.
    He dumped me after a month of dating where things were wonderful, too fast maybe but wonderful for both, exiting, a lot of chemistry, a lot of shared moments that were special, things were going great without the need to define anything or push anything.
    He is 38 and I am 30, he has been single for 2 years, he is kind of a loner, he stepped out of his confort zone with me, that I know, and he got very scared and ran after he realized that he had given me so much of his space, I actually never made the first move, never asked for something more, I let him set the pace.
    I did not contact him ever since he dumped me, I accepted it an tried to move on ( I was very much infatuated with him already so it has been hard for me) but he made it clear that he liked me but he felt we wanted different things, that I wanted more of a clingy relathionship while he is more for a let’s keep our spaces relathionships.
    Truth is he does not know me, I am of the same idea, I have my own life and I keep living it evend during a relationship and I never said or did anything to make him think otherwise.
    Yesterday I received this text: “How are you stubborn ? How is your dog?”
    I answered politely, with no exitment or particular tone.
    He did not answer any further. And so did I.

    I know it was a short dating but we really had it, before he decided it was over.
    And I know this happens quite a lot but still I can’t believe he decided to end things out of fear.
    What do you think.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Sonia! I think he is not the one. Fearful means unsure of you and you want someone who is FEARFUL of losing you!! STAY WARM TO LOVE– the right guy is going to come along. I promise you!! xx Katey

      Reply
  22. Avatar
    Charlie

    This really hit home for me; hard. I am struggling to get over my recent breakup with a guy I thought was my forever. I mean, I really truly felt it in my bones, still do—soulmates. During the 5 months we “dated” unofficially, but monogamously (on my end at least) he never would give us a title. He refused to acknowledge a relationship saying he wasn’t there yet. Fast forwarding—3 weeks ago I had a breaking point (I’ve had several “talks” prior to this last and final “talk”) and I told him if he couldn’t get there, if he couldn’t see himself falling for me, to let me go. Deep down, I wanted him to fight for me, to try, really try on his end to open up emotionally (he admitted to being emotionally unavailable to fall in love at this time in his life). BS! Right? Of course… and I knew that. Back to the day it unfolded, he let me go. Instantly I panicked and started trying to win him back (sound so desperate, but my love for him was all consuming). He said he thinks we should start over. “Open to do other stuff too” his words. Another words, FWB. I tried to be okay with this. In my mind, I though okay, he may come around in time. Maybe after he explores a bit he will realize what he had with me. As the days carried on, it got harder and harder for me to accept. Furthermore, once the realization was setting in (due to him slowly fading out and breadcrumbing me) I began to notice patterns I hadn’t noticed before (blind love goggles). The little white lies started becoming apparent, then looking back, realizing the bigger lies I choose to overlook hit like a ton of bricks. So… I’m mad now and irrational. I confront him 2 days ago about the lies. He lied to me again, this time I had proof of it. It wasn’t a big lie, it was dumb on his part, but nonetheless it was a lie ( which as you know makes you question everything else). And so, I told him that if he can’t stop lying to me, we didn’t need to talk. I blocked him on social media, but left him on my phone. I haven’t texted him and he hasn’t texted me. This is day 2 and I almost caved earlier, but stopped myself. Honestly it just proves a point. If someone really loves you (not just as a person) and wants you in their life, they will fight for you. I am not one to give up on someone easily either, I love too fiercely and fully for that. I just don’t know why I can’t let him go 100% and I know if he texts me, I’ll respond. He was my best friend and now I feel so lost; incomplete.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Oh Charlie. I am so so sorry 🙁 Heartbreak can be earth shattering… and I hear that in what you wrote. My advice in simple: cold turkey NO contact. Do things that make you feel proud of yourself. Get new hobbies that don’t make you think of him. Grieve, HARD…. but no contact. And the second you can entertain the idea of someone else, start dating. You got this– time will pass… use it effectively. <3 xx Katey

      Reply
      • Avatar
        Dolph26

        Yes I want to share a few things like that about a female I was dating at first it was good then one even my son broke his phone his stpmom gave him hers so he was going through it this one time she left her messager open didn’t. Close it so he was reading it then he said daddy here read this how it went her ex she was texting so she is up no job no nothing so I’m in the bed sleep for work so I would wonder y she is never in bed an I get up at 3:30 so that’s the time she start when I go to bed at 12 then he want to pull her hair an fuck her from the back shit like that an so I said i should have left u then but I didn’t I started back an forth so on down the road things was ok then the reason we separated was because she say pills an powder but what she didn’t no was that it was for that day when we did break up but far as the fishing if I’m taking care of u paying all the bills an treating u like a queen an then u giving signs what to do is look an then when u do there it is u front an center if u r on social media and doing like a girlfriend or a real woman would do he wouldn’t have to check to make sure his shit is right y bc it’s all kind of shit to catch why u sleeping around just like now in March she did that same shit she gets her money an her new guy what she do throw him to the side couldn’t tell her ex she breaking up she blockk him an wouldn’t answer but what is that was found she at the Mardi gras with the new guy hug up but u was just For 2 months laying in my bed so what is to say ok it hurted ok so getting over this so 2 months later she started back texting him then ok they start talking so when u start to ask her something about what went on with the relationship she ready to fuss an hang up she don’t want to hear that shit so then she started coming back to we’re he stay then getting back into the. Pic bc don’t forget it’s kids not hers but been around them long enough lil. Girl help raise 3 months old so anyway first time it was sweet yes yes then the second time I kept asking questions on the phone we talk I ask her is she happy bc it’s like she goes back home an change so he got his guards up high bc he knows how she is so that Sunday the kids wanted to go to the arcade so it’s 11am hot as hell outside she was ready to go but the same time she was asking me for my credit card so her an my daughter can go shopping I’m no dummy at all so now she mad u must have a bill I said yes so that’s what did it she block me then I couldn’t talk to her find out nothing but u always just want to go an party I did that an been around the world not waiting til I’m 36 an do this so she. Block him an then told him she don’t see a future with him now u fill where I’m going you listen to that bs an what they say about fishing looking u dam right y bc u know u was with the bs bc u was looking for FWB that’s not me an say let’s have fun don’t speak on relationship I don’t do that shit so you that hear what they r saying all is not true an the thing about is that Mardi gras my son always. Ask to go to that one she got her little tax money went with her new guy but didn’t remind herself to send him something but he got her every purse name brand an what he is the bad person no so don’t get it twisted bc she is not that angel she say bc he is in a better state of mind got his own money more that what he had his place it might not be much everything paid for so why is a man keep his house clean an a woman get mad so honey don’t get it twisted everything sound good isn’t good just always remember these words God is good so when KARMA comes around it will hurt !!!¡!!!!an too if u say u love them u could have help him what u do go home u no u got to work u staying with your parents then u find a job Wally world then get your mom to co-sign for u a car an how old are u an u stay behind on that so how is that u can’t believe what a ex say an u said a mouth full. Now kick rocks an do what u been doing

  23. Avatar
    Taryn

    Thank you, this was really helpful.
    My fiancé broke our relationship off one month before the wedding.
    At first, I was forgiving. Understanding. We were loving to each other, and I felt I could easily just remain friends.
    But now, I’m angry. I can’t seem to shed the anger that he concealed so much, lied so much, and is probably still lying, pretending to be kind when in reality he’s just terrified I’ll tell people the truth about what he did.

    I want to believe the best of him, but the anger has me up at night.

    I want to rise above and prove him wrong. He broke up with me because he thinks he’s “up to great things,” and I’m a liability.

    I shouldn’t be so petty- but I want him to take a big fat nosedive. He doesn’t deserve to succeed by using me as a stepping stone.

    I’m trying to forgive. I’m trying to release. I’m trying to rise above. I know from how others are with him that I’m not the only one who sees his inauthentic, desperate, slimeball behavior for what it is…

    I guess all I have to do is keep rising above, and make my life amazing …

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I don’t think anger is a bad thing when first trying to get over someone. I’d be PISSED. Use that anger to propell forward and do KIND and REWARDING things for yourself! You will find a great love, you will!!! And once you are close to over him then you can let go of the anger. I might be going against the grain but truly I think anger helps in the beginning! I bet you are an incredible woman. I hope you write in when you do end up with someone worthy- I know you’ll be in love again soon! xx Katey

      Reply
  24. Avatar
    James

    Hi there, this is going to sound a bit weird, I’m a man & I’d been single for nearly 3 years very happy on my own i enjoyed life & went on dates I didn’t want a relationship, 3 months ago I met a girl off a dating app & we hit it off my friends joked that I had a girlfriend I knew I liked her but didn’t want to rush into anything but secretly I had started to get feelings for her, we were close seeing each other every day nearly over 2 months she met my kid on a few occasions which is something I would never do or allow previously, everything was going great & I was going out of town for 10days on a family holiday with my parents & daughter etc 5 days in she messages to say she has alot going on (she does) & doesn’t have time to be with someone & wants to cool things off, this completely floored me I knew she had alot to deal with & I was always very aware of that & happy to give her space but since then she doesn’t message doesn’t call or make contact, I’ve messaged her a few times to get a cold reply that she’s busy, to me on the outside looking in I tell myself move on she’s not worth it but on the other hand I really liked this girl there was a connection there that we were both happy to develop until she suddenly stopped, it’s been a month now & I’m absolutely heartbroken I’ve lost all routine, my concentration is gone I get anxious when I see her online wishing for her to reach out but she doesn’t, should I make contact again & hope for the best, it’s been a week since she last turned me down for a coffee & chat, thanks & sorry for the essay post!

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Don’t make contact again!!! She’s not the one. I’m going to keep it simple so you can save time and start the “getting over her” process: if she wanted to be with you she would- no matter WHAT is going on in her life. Women make time for love no matter what- she does not see a future with you. Stay warm to love– someone amazing is out there for you who will want exactly YOU- no questions asked! Cut this girl off. xx-Katey

      Reply
  25. Avatar
    Emmy

    After experiencing my first encounter with my ex after an entire year of cold shoulder and awkwardness I stumbled upon this post, which has been a blessing to hear I am not alone with struggling from temptation. After my short-lived interaction with my ex, I madly googled “what to do when an ex reaches out?” as I felt myself swirling down the rabbit hole of “what if?”. Our conversation got interrupted by another co-worker, which at first I felt like an addict who was itching for more and I desperately stalled for time hoping him and I could continue our conversation; but as seconds rolled by I suddenly realized I’ve taken the bait and at that moment I was hand-delivering the satisfying conclusion to my ex of “there is still a soft spot for you in my heart, you can easily take advantage of me”. Quick smart coming to this verdict I found myself collecting my coffee cup and skipping off to my daily chores. I’ll admit to anyone reading this that my heart was afflicted with wanting to reach out further and increase our interaction, there was so much I wanted to hear, so much I wanted to say, but as I sat at my low dim light desk and thought more of why suddenly he is reaching out – I also remembered he was the one who left, and dropping a text or trying to catch him would only open a door that took me twelve torturous, heart-rendering months to nail shut. I had only started to remove the band-aids and find peace within myself, I wasn’t ready to give myself up for someone who easily gave up on me.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Oh Emmy– my heart just sunk for you. To have your heart broken can be a very long process to get over. To long for someone– it’s suffocating at times. I am glad you are so self-aware. You sound like a beautiful person. I promise you it will get easier in time but ONLY if you cut him off. No checking social media, no texts, convos. Grieve him hard so that you can move on. I promise the man of your dreams will come into your life at the right time. Stay warm to love!!! xx Katey

      Reply
  26. Avatar
    The_beautiful gift

    Hi – I can relate so much to your story well my story is kind of complicated, i fell in love with this man we dated for 3 years I found out i was pregnant and he was over the moon … I had a one kid by another man before and he loved him as his own. So while in the relationship i got raped and I feared to tell anyone about it because i knew people wouldn’t believe me ,because the father of my 1st born did it😭. Ok so long story short the baby was not his. We found out because my 1st baby daddy was not over me so he was threatening him and his family to do something horrible… and told them I was pregnant with his baby. The guy loved me and my kids regardless he was even ther for the birth and raising if the 2nd born till he was 8months. So DNA tests were done and turned out he was right . The child was not his… then we broke up . The break up was sad because we were really inlove with each other. He stopped talking to me and his family hated me and I understand they had every reason to. But there were days where he would drunk call or text me… to tell me his not over me and he still loved me but he cant be with me because his family hates me. He then got a new girlfriend and kept telling he’ll have kids of his own . I’m not sure if this girl was a rebound. On other days he would call and swear at me. I then did the whole no contact rule for 2months and he recently just texted me with his new number saying ” You win love” i could nt help but reply “who is this?” But i kind of knew who it was. So he called saying he’s been having nightmares about the kids and I. So I told him to come to my place. And we clicked… ❤😭 we kissed and spoke about how we can’t move on with other people eve though i know he has a girlfriend. He told me he was going through counselling and he feels like it’s not helping him instead he just wants to come home ( be with me again) but our situation doesnt allow him.
    We then came to a conclusion to say we want to fix things. But yesterday he seemed to be a little offish. So now I don’t know if I should give it my all again ? He still throws insults at me saying im not the mother of his kids and says its his way of venting… and 2days ago he called me by his girlfriends name and still blames it on me amd says his the way he is because of me and my secrets….And he still has a girlfriend do i address that issue ? because I’m not comfortable with being his side chick.
    I really do want to fix things but I don’t know how to go about it when I’m still being bashed for my mistakes💔

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Regardless of your mistakes (and that was not telling him) it sounds like you have been through hell and back emotionally and physically. I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks hearing that story. If you want a strong opinion from someone who doesn’t know you or the whole situation, I would say this man is no the one for you. He sounds angry and unstable and…. why go down that path? Sure the love was real but love is not enough. You KNOW the love you deserve. The right man is out there. Stay open, warm and positive towards love! GRIEVE THIS MAN HARD so that you can move on! You got this. xx Katey

      Reply
  27. Avatar
    Deborah Zadell

    My ex was my one and only so this is really difficult for me.I have been in an on again off again relationship with my ex who is the father of both of my adult children. My ex took off on me and left me 4 years ago and moved to another county so we have not seen each other since. We use to talk on the phone everyday until up to two weeks ago when I hung up on him. I was upset with him because I feel like he has been stringing me along all this time with hope that we were going to get back together again some day, well now that it hasn’t happened after all this time I am very upset and told him that I would like for us to figure out how to date again and he said he is not interested right now in having a relationship again so I said fine and hung up on him and we haven’t spoke since then so now I wonder if he will ever try and contact me again. I am 53 years old and he is 62

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hey, 53?!?! You still have a LOT of life to live!! Sounds like you had a beautiful chapter with him. One that was meaningful and real and gave you your children. Maybe now it is time for a new love. It will be tough but you are worth it! There is someone out there right now looking for a woman who embodies exactly what you bring to the table! Stay open, positive, and warm towards new love!! xx Katey

      Reply
  28. Avatar
    Jasmine

    Hi there, I started hanging out with my long gone ex again.
    We met through a mutual friend before university started, he was very careful with making it official to call me his girlfriend, and oh my god those three words! hed never said that to anyone apart from his family before so he was again very careful. I remember bursting out in tears when he told me for the first time, we were walking down the pavement i literally had to stop walking.
    Its been almost 5yrs since we broke up, he had just finished university and was moving back to his country (we are from the same country, heck.. same city) for work. i still had 2yrs left at the university and we both didn’t want a long distance relationship so it was a mutual decision that we broke up.
    we barely talked since then. he once told me he can never be friends with his exes, so parting ways as friends was not on the table.
    I knew he was super excited for his job and new environment, i believe he had little time to think about me whereas i was left in a city where everything reminded me of him/us. it was the hardest thing.
    it took me a rebound relationship, countless dates with great people and booze (for about 2yrs) to get over him (or at least i thought i did). He was really special to me, i loved him so much and i even believed that there will never be anyone i can love as much as i did him. i missed him so bad, but i distracted myself with a new boyfriend and other stuff, and accepted he was someone i used to know, and carried on with my life.
    I came back to my country and eventually my life got busy and i was literally not thinking back about my ex at all at this point.

    That’s when my ex contacted me out of blue. like you put it perfectly, it really sucked the air out of my lungs. It said ‘Hi how have you been doing?’, i hesitated but replied. We slowly started hanging out again first for a coffee to dinner and drinks, and to a night out. We only hang out 1-2times in two months, so breezy and light. I was afraid of having those feelings back for him and end up on the wrong side of the stick, again, but also i was genuinely happy he is back in my life again as a friend. One time we met up for a picnic during the day and went to his place afterwards. We were just sitting on the couch, music on the background when he suddenly started talking about the time we were together, he asked me if he ever hurt me when we were together. I told him i can barely remember since its been too long. i was surprised that he cared enough to ask me that. After chatting about random stuff for a while, i decided to go. we hugged goodbye as always, then he kissed me. i felt then for the first time in years, my heart beating like crazy. we were really at it knowing that i had to stop. after what felt like a looong time making out, i finally stopped because it was escalating to something more and i didnt want that. i guess i didnt want me to be that girl he can call up and sleep with easily.
    after 2 months, he asked to grab dinner, we met and had drinks while catching up. in the middle of our dinner, he started telling me how he’s looking for a special someone who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, that he’s had a blast in the last 5 yrs with random girls that recently its all feeling like waste of time, hes looking to taking things more mature and stuff like that.
    We got together with a group of friends and ended up going out. We were making out and flirting, things are still fun and light. i was talking to one of his buddies, he was somewhat convinced i was my ex’s girlfriend. kept telling me how he’s a keeper. idk why but that moment really opened my eyes.
    I think i’m falling in love with him again, maybe not like before but im definitely feeling so much more than i expected. when he was talking about settling with a special someone at dinner, a part of me wished it was me he’s looking for.
    I never thought he would come back into my life (even as a friend), so i was so happy to just take that and didnt want to ruin it by wanting more or becoming more. but is there a chance he wants it too? thats something i cannot bring myself to ask him.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Feel free to voice message me this on Instagram (@TheVioletFog) and I will repsond with a voice memo!! So sorry you are hurting. Heartbreak is the worst. But deep down, you know the love you deserve. If they haven’t demonstrated that to you- then I firmly believe they are not the one and you MUST move on for that great, great love. xx Katey

      Reply
  29. Avatar
    Arbee

    Almost 2 months ago my GF of 1 year broke up with me over communication, not doing little things she’d ask of me, and she just didn’t feel special anymore- so evenatually grew unhappy. She gave me so many chances too but I refused to change for some reason despite how much I truly cared for her.

    Well she got tired and broke it off. A couple of days later I texted her telling her the kind of guy I want to be for her and apologized for certain things I did. Told her I hope she can find it in her heart to give us another chance and hope that we can discuss things more. She replied that we can absolutely discuss things but that she needed a little time to think things through and that she didn’t want me to think this was easy on her either or that she didn’t miss me- it was hard on her too. I left it at that.

    A week later, I impulsively called her just to see if she would pick up- which she did. We agreed to meet up for lunch the next day and talk. We talked and she expressed how much she still cared for me but that she couldn’t take me back. That all of the things I said I wanted to work on, I should do for myself. We wound up hugging it out so it wasn’t a bad break up.

    I had intended on waiting a month or two before reaching out again but the other night I got a text from her saying Hey. I knew she was out for her sisters bday so figured she might’ve been drunk texting me so I didn’t reply right away. I did however texted her the next morning with a Hey and she has not responded to me.. perhaps she thinks now it was a mistake? Or it actually was a mistake m?- like meaning to text someone else? Or got my message but didn’t remember texting me because she was drunk and thinks I’m just being annoying? Thoughts?

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi Arbee!

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. Be straight up and say “What were your intentions when you texted me the other night?” And leave it at that. Good luck! Things will get easier. xx Katey

      Reply
  30. Avatar
    jeff

    Violet – it’s not just women that go through this. Some guys are romantics too. My ex and I broke up over ten years ago after a very close but rocky 4.5 years. I went on my own to lick my wounds for a while; but finding out she had a new guy in less than 30 days spiraled me badly. And that wound got lots of salt poured in… after about six months, they’re married. Months later, baby on the way. I finally started dating after 3 years. Some good times but nothing that felt long-term… but in between, my thoughts often went back to her. After about 8 years, I get The Friend Request. All those years and it STILL stopped me cold for a minute. We chatted on FB msgr a handful of times for a couple years and it was fine. Then the weirdness crept in – brief mentions of marriage difficulties, those comments get more frequent over time; until finally talk of imminent divorce. Then she starts a long texting marathon how she realized before their marriage that this was a rebound relationship (ya think?) they have no chemistry, no compatibility, they discussed breaking it off but – oops – she got pregnant so they went forward into marriage, but she felt dread walking down the aisle. Now they agree on divorce because they’ve been living almost like roommates for about eight years, that’s not good for their young daughter, there’s been little intimacy for many years and none in the past two years. She’s happy for that, even pondering that hopefully he’s getting some from somewhere because she’s been ‘done’ with it all for a long time. She thought perhaps she shouldn’t be telling an ex-bf all this, but I said it’s fine. Suddenly she mentions how great our chemistry always was and that she’s fantasized about me for several years. Whoa… pardon? Then after some beating around the bush, she says: I’ve tried to ask you this for the last year…. what do you think about…. maybe we can meet so you can #@!$% me the way you used to? Wait…WHAT? Her deal: doesn’t want to get back together, no strings, no expectations, just a very frustrated woman in a loveless/sexless marriage. I KNEW this would be a problem, on several levels. For me, I hadn’t dated at all the past couple years, and here was a (MARRIED) girl I’ve hardly stopped thinking about for over a decade propositioning me. I said this sounds like a very bad idea. What time should I be there? (fine, so shoot me – remember no nookie for a long, long time). So we met at a motel (a first adulterous affair for both of us) and every bit of the old fireworks was there; and then some. I was surprised at my lack of feeling guilty, rationalizing it by her comments that her marriage was long over, despite still living under the same roof. We agreed that it seemed a shame we couldn’t pull it together years ago because our chemistry was off the charts. I was surprised that this no strings/no expectations quickly turned into her buzzing me to meet many times in the following weeks, saying I awoke a beast inside her that fell asleep many years ago. But I must have sent obvious vibes at some point, because she once texted me that although our rendezvous have been incredible, she was concerned I might be making more of it than it is, and she definitely didn’t want me to feel jerked around, and if so we should stop. I played it cool and said we’re good. My main dilemma, as you’ve guessed, despite her insistence that it’s just a physical thing for her, my feelings have been simmering for a decade and within weeks I fell head first. Then there was a sudden tragic death in her family, so we’ve only had a couple brief hellos in the past couple months. That gave me time to step back. I find myself in a weird place; there’s no point in doing much of anything at all at the moment – even after divorcing, she really needs time on her own – she’s had a long, miserable (her words) marriage immediately after our years-long relationship, and now has a wonderful little girl that I adore from afar (on FB and countless videos she’s sent). Even if she flatly expressed interest toward me, I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. I’m torn: this no-strings she keeps repeating is 180-degrees different than what she blurts out in the bedroom. It’s like my heart says she’s just guarding herself in her current situation, and it’s been flooding me with this scheme of just staying slightly out of reach (6 mos? a year? two years?) and giving her space with very small reminders that I’m around. My brain keeps saying I’m @$%! NUTS to even consider this. I even joined a couple dating sites to occupy myself, and yet the first couple dates I had, I was already doing the comparison thing so I’m clearly not even ready for that. I feel lost.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Oh Jeff. Thank you for reading and writing in! That was QUITE the story, you’re a great writer! Love is so so tough. It seems that what you had was real but perhaps there were some things missing as to why it didn’t fully workout. If she doesn’t try to enter your life again more than just “hooking up” I would say it’s definitely time to move on. You deserve someone who is equally as crazy about you! That woman is out there! But you gotta put yourself out there and be positive about love being around the corner. Love is always around! xx Katey

      Reply
  31. Avatar
    Lisa

    Sadly this does not change as one gets older. I am in my early 50s (very early lol) and dated a man for over 4 years – the relationship had ups and downs but overall we both spoke of how we really loved each other. I even moved to his state, as we started off long distance. The last 18 months of our relationship was fraught with him breaking up with me and then wanting me back just as I started to date. I knew/know in my heart, soul and mind that this is his way of silently saying “I don’t want you anymore, but I also don’t want anyone else to be with you”.

    We broke up for 6 months and of course I had started to date another man. He called me and told me that he was fully committed to me for the future and had even asked his sister to hold him accountable. Part of me was thinking “what the heck (worse word lol), you have to have your sister keep you accountable for keeping your promises to me – you’re 54 – that’s ridiculous. But then my insane side took over and was over the top that he would make this comittment and I quickly forgot that he’s done this too many times to count. So I took him back in April 2019 and by June 2019 he started to get ‘weird’ again. I decided to move back home to be near my daughter who is getting married and he stated that “he is not going to do long-distance with me” and broke it off again. I was stunned because I offered to split my time between the two states and didn’t we start off in a LDR?!? So of course, I was heartbroken but since that time I have started to date, not seriously, again.

    Lo and behold here he comes again AND of course I took the bait as he told me I was his soulmate and agreed to travel to spend next weekend with him. Then he tells me how he’s going to a speed dating event that night and I was like “is that even a thing anymore”? When I questioned this in light of our weekend plans, he said “you were able to date when you were young, now it’s my turn. I want to see if there is something ELSE out there for me.” I was stunned – I had allowed this man to think of me as an ‘else’ and not even a first place ‘else’ just as a back-up ‘else’. I told him that I thought he was just disgusting and have not spoken to him or answered his texts since. Then this man, has the assiduity, to text me AFTER he gets back from his speed dating event last night asking if we could talk – he was feeling lonely.

    OMG how I allowed this man to yo-yo me like this for over 4 years I will never understand. I am a professional woman, making a ton of money, and I have my $hit together.

    I am writing this to the younger generation in hopes that you will see that there’s no need to waste your time/life on someone for 4+ years – if they do it to you once they will do it again and again.

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Hi hi!! WOW what a freaking selfish JERK. I swear- some guys will never settle down. Some guys will always be about themselves only. (There are a lot of women like this too but you know what I mean.) You still have a lot of life to live- thank you for sharing this story! Us women can’t just sit back and wait and/or settle for less that what we deserve. I know you will find a great love!! xx Katey

      Reply
  32. Avatar
    Anne

    Oh where to start. I met the man of my dreams at my old work place. I was not looking to date but we started having lunch together randomly and after 3 or 4 months, I started having feelings for him and vice versa. We exchanged numbers and though he never asked me out he would pretend to drunk text me a couple of time really late on Saturdays. I got tired of it and called him out on it. He finally called during the day and we went out on a couple of dates. I traveled for about 2 weeks out of country and we kept in touch, I came back on my birthday and he was really sweet and had gotten me a birthday cake. I thought we were finally going to officially date…but from that day he ignored my texts to hang out for about a month yet continued to have lunch with me and another coworker at work.
    Anyway we started dating finally, after me calling him out on the month of ghosting and asking to know what is going on. We dated for about 5 months and it was really good, however anytime he would get upset he would cancel plans. 3 examples, we were to go to an event that was planned 2 weeks in advance, he called an hour to it and said he was not interested because it was shit, I told him I am upset he called something I like shit. He could just say he was not interested without calling it anything. His response was to cancel a weekend away and spend the weekend with his friends instead. The second time was Halloween, we were at home watching I movie and I talked over the movie, he yelled at me and when I said I did not appreciate it, he said I was behaving like a child and he would not apologize, so I left and went to my house. This was Wednesday and we had a trip planned for the weekend. He texted me the next morning and said the trip was cancelled because he did not get the Halloween he wanted. A few weeks later we went out with his friends for a bday party, I had told him before hand I was tired and will not stay all night and get drunk. We agreed we would leave the party separately. On the day, I stayed until about midnight and when I was falling asleep at the bar told him I was going to go and I will see him the next day, he begged me to stay and I stayed maybe 30 more minutes but I was just too tired. He got upset, yelled at me for not being able to do something he wants for one night when he does all these things for me. I stayed for maybe another 30 minutes and when I could not stay awake any longer decided to leave. He had gone to get drunk food with some friends, so I texted him and said I am going home coz I am too tired and I will see him the next day for lunch. He texted “fuck no, I am not having lunch with you.” The whole weekend he ignored my calls and texts, I gave him two days of no contact, then I got tired of it and felt punished by silent treatment and cancelling plans and texted him to ask if he wanted to break up. He responded “yeah, I will have your shit tomorrow at work.” and he did.
    We worked together for maybe another 2 months with him stone cold ignoring me. I was scheduled to take a travel break and move cities so I did that and before I left we had a weekend. I left his house to the airport. He was really kind that weekend and the connection had fun rewatching movies we liked. He said when I was done travelling I could stay with him before I moved cities. While travelling we casually talked a bit and when I was bound to come back, he said I could no longer stay with him because he was seeing someone new. Broke my heart even more.
    He has since ignored me and I have since incessantly called him and texted. He has my number blocked and never responds to my emails/texts. Oh, I have sent him postcards as well. I showed him my crazy and then I feel bad so I text him saying I was sorry I kept texting him…it is a spiral. I know he is never coming back and at this point I do not know if I want him back. I hate myself for incessantly texting him, I am ashamed! I have never done this before after a break up but here we are. I really do not like myself and when I feel ashamed, I end up texting him again to say, “I am sorry I texted you so much.” I am also so scared that if I finally let go, I will really let go and if he ever comes back I will not be able to forgive him.
    I suppose more I write this I realize I keep searching for validation that although the relationship was great in all other areas I was not being petty by being uncomfortable with all the cancellations. More than that, incessantly texting him was wrong but I do not need him to know that I am aware of this. It is ok if I let go and if ever he is to come back I can learn to love him from that point onward versus just leaving this door open. But somewhere in my sick mind, I think he is blocking me coz he feels something, be it anger or annoyance, he feels something and that validates my pain. If he was all moved on and truly did not care like he showed me by being stone cold, he should be indifferent. Something is wrong with me. I want to stop texting him and thinking of him. More, I want to stop hating myself for the mistake I made of incessantly contacting him

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      You don’t KNOW if you want him back???? He is horrible!!! You did what you did now save your dignity and MOVE ON. This guy is bad news and will never love you how you deserved to be loved. BREAK THE ADDICTION. Be willing to be fully heartbroken and grieve him. But whatever you do- MOVE THE FUCK ON. You need to!! Okay? I say this with love. MOVE ON. xx Katey

      Reply
  33. Avatar
    Sarah

    Hi all. I’m going through a really hard time right now too. We’ve been fighting a lot lately, he’s a workaholic self employed guy. He’s been super stressed with work and I feel like I’ve always been the punching bag for him when times get over bearing.
    Anyways
    We had a massive fight. We both said some hurtful things to each other and I broke. I called it off and left his place. I waited about 2 weeks before contacting him (every fight we’ve ever had, I’ve had to fix, he has too much pride to reach out) I was thinking about everything that had happened at what was said and I realized that I ended our relationship because I was hurt and angry.
    When I reached out to him, he snapped on me about all that happened, get got it all out. We agreed to meet in person a few days later to talk.
    When we met up, we both cried while we held hands. I told him I wanted to fix it and that I loved him. He said that he didn’t want to fix it this time. We went our separate ways that night. A few days later, I sent him a plant to his place in to show him I was thinking about him. He sent a text with a thank you. I asked to see him a couple of days later, he agreed.
    The night we were supposed to meet, he cancelled. Sent me a text saying he had way too much work to do and he had to prioritize. It became an argument. He then told me that he wanted me to move on, it was over and that he was no longer in love with me.
    That broke me.
    How could you fall out of love with me after a couple of weeks? When a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about marriage.
    Again, gave it some time and contacted him to find out when would be a good time to go collect my stuff from his place. He replied with the details, but then asked “how are you” I froze. I had no idea how to reply. I finally replied an hour later with “alright I guess, living life”. The conversation continued with a bit of small talk, then ended.
    Why would he ask me how I am? Seriously? You know how I am!!
    It gave me a sense of false hope and now my mind is going a mile a minute. I have no idea what to do. I want to continue the no contact but I’m dying inside. I miss him so much and I don’t know how to handle my emotions.
    I want him back and I can’t help but continue to blame myself.
    His family and I are very close too. It breaks my heart that I won’t be there at the dinner table on Sunday with them. Instead, my seat will sit empty. Will he ever regret his decision? Will he ever reconsider?
    Thoughts?

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      I’m so sorry you are going through this and are heartbroken. 🙁

      However- I am going to give you tough love. He won’t regret it. You are NOT the one for him and he is not the one for you. He is most likely losing so much respect for you when you keep coming back. He sounds like a narcissistic guy. Not someone you want to marry. I’m sure the passion and love was real but he is not the one for you.

      Grieve him so that you can move on. But go cold turkey- no contact. MOVE ON.

      xx Katey

      Reply
  34. Avatar
    Tay

    I just wanted to say that I found this at the perfect time. I felt like I was the only one in my situation, and none of my friends have really known how to help. Nearly three years ago, I met who I thought was the man of my dreams. My next door neighbor in our apartment complex, we clicked immediately, and began having conversations that would last for hours – and started seeing each other immediately. Then, I asked his roommate what he thought we were, since he wouldn’t be direct with me. He said he thought we may just be friends with benefits, and I should ask him out for real, see what he said. Red flag number one, I know. I did, and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and said he was pretty sure I was in the same place. But the casual meetups and texting me literally all day every day kept up, until long after I had moved. One day, he disappears for three months, and comes back like nothing happened, tells me that his life has some updates. And until I pressed, was trying to act like things were normal and I should get together with him. But was incredibly secretive. Turns out he has a gf with a child on the way, and I wonder how long I was a side piece when he told me he loved me every day. Now he wants to be friends and obviously I don’t want to, but seeing as how i still have feelings…how do I stop thinking about him every day? He keeps disappearing for weeks and I will think I’m fine, that the storm has passed. But then he comes back, and I’m right back to square one! He helped me through a lot of really personal problems, and had the nerve to tell me in his comeback text that “he cares about me and he thinks he always will.” How do I know what to believe, and furthermore, what do you even do with that information in a situation like this?

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      He’s not the one. This is shady,too much drama, and he is only in it for himself. Move on!!! You MUST. With love, Katey

      Reply
  35. Avatar
    Myley

    I’m a lost and confused chic. My male best friend and I have had a “situationship” for 12 years. Got extremely close while he had a Gf that he was with off and on. He eventually moved about 2 years ago and lives with her now. He still texts me saying how it’s his fault we didn’t get together and how he loves me. I really do love him, and I know all of his dirty laundry that he doesn’t share with people (medical etc). I feel like I am going thru a divorce or something. Each time I hear his name, my heart jumps. If I hear his text tone I go numb. He has said he will come visit me but he just doesn’t make the effort even though he swears he is checking his schedule. I get breadcrumbs . He’s my best friend and I hate hearing how other people talk in the phone with him or have seen him but I don’t get that anymore. Another friend told me he is pushing away because he does love me so much and he can’t. He truly shouldn’t. I don’t know how to handle this. Do I not text him anymore ??

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      Let me set you free: STOP TEXTING HIM. He is not the one. If he wanted to be FULLY WITH YOU… he would. You need to move on. With love, Katey

      Reply
  36. Avatar
    Vincente Valentine

    Love is a funny thing. Each moment, every memory–they tend to add to my life in one way or another. I may not always find myself in the right frame of mind when I’m receiving a message from an ex, but occasionally, hooking up with an “old flame” can be a great thing (bit.ly/hookupex). How it happens, that’s beyond me to understand. The chemistry shared between past partners is sometimes impossible to remove completely. I find the best way to deal with exes reaching out to catch up, whether they’re feeling lonely or genuinely want to see who you’re doing, is to determine whether or not it would be best (and healthy) for you to do. P.S. This is a great read! Thank you…

    Reply
    • Violet Fog
      Violet Fog

      That was such a beautiful and thoughtful response!! Thank you for that and for reading! xx Katey

      Reply

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