Updated December 2018. Oldie but goodie. This was written in the beginning of 2017.

Update on my love life here! Pain is temporary. New love awaits, always. Remember that!

When your ex is over you.
Signs your ex is over you.
When he doesn’t love you anymore.

That is what we are going to get into.

I write about love all the time.

It’s a way I make sense of things… how I move on, or stay in it.

Today, I’ll share something with you guys: I’m going through a heartbreak. I am.

I’m trying to get over someone who doesn’t love me back.

It hurts. I feel broken up inside. I know he doesn’t love me because he has told me so. Alluded to it, anyway. I know he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t get jealous over other guys. Doesn’t compliment me the way he used to. Doesn’t use the nicknames. He’s not invested as a lover anymore.

He’s invested as a friend. Only as a friend.


I’ve been heartbroken before. Been broken up with… had someone tell me they don’t love me anymore. It’s agonizing. It feels like walking around with rocks on your chest. It’s a constant shortness of breath.

Until it’s all better. And the sun shines again. It always does!

I’m going to vent real quick though: it sucks that so many women (not all) feel like they have to put on a certain kind of front after being broken up with. Like being vulnerable is a sign of weakness (vs. just being human.) Like she should appear to the world over the guy immediately. Or say “it was mutual” even though deep down it wasn’t… she wanted it to work. It makes me sad that we feel unable to show the world that we are heartbroken. You can still be strong and be heartbroken.

Also, I’m not a fan of women who act like they’re one of those girls who is neverrrrrr broken up with. (And yes I’m aware there are women who have never been broken up with… I salute all 5 of them! lol)… They’re just leaving before they’re left IS MY GUESS. #Smart…?

SO. I have someone that I need to get over. And I’m not ashamed to admit that. 

He loved me once. Or, you know, was close to it.

Now he just loves me as a person. A friend. A girl he cares for but does not want.

And that’s the name of the game. We will not always get our way. Love is never guaranteed.

This guy, I liked for a long time. He liked me too. A lot. Sometimes more than I liked him! And now, we’ve been good friends longer than we were ever a couple.

And let me tell you what- even with zero advances from him and only texting/snapchatting every day (…our generation is so annoying lol) I STILL held out hope. I still thought to myself that he might have feelings for me. That he just didn’t want to ruin our friendship. For a long ass time, this was my mindset. In my mind, I conjured up this idea that there could still be a future for us.

The only time I did not think about him was when I dated someone else briefly, long after our breakup. So I did forget about him for a few months. (In that way.) Only… to begin thinking about him again shortly after. Uggggghh. The break was nice! Ha.

I have a penchant for hanging on too long. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to learn. I’m a romantic, a dreamer… and I’m loyal to the bone.

But once I KNOW FOR A FACT someone doesn’t love me, I give up. I stop trying. I grieve hard, really get it out of my system right away… and then I get over it. With this guy, it has taken me a long time to know for a fact that he is over it.

I’ll be honest, I can’t help but feel embarrassed by how much this one stung. Because I really believed there was a possibility he still cared about me like that.

Like, picture me having coffee with friends, talking about him, them giving me that “Katey be careful” look and me, “but, but, but!” …. just trying to convince them that no you guys I think we still have something there! I was warned a hundred times. And a hundred times I did not listen.

Sometimes you’re the last to know. The last to see what everybody else sees. That’s just the roll of the dice. So swallow your pride, feel it, and move on.

I am sad- but I am optimistic still. And I don’t regret anything…. that helps.

I gotta say, I have great taste in men: the guy who broke up with me is a really good man. And if anyone were to break my heart, I’m glad it was him and not some jerk, cheater, or bottom feeder, you know?…. My time with him was meaningful and I’m happy to have known him. He treated me so well when we were together. And with the utmost respect during our breakup. And has always been good to me as a friend. I can’t be bitter, and I’m not. I’m happy the whole thing happened.

I’m going to miss him. But… he is not the one for me. (I mean… clearly. As he has told me this. lol)

….it hurts ladies. I feel I wasn’t good enough. But I’ll soon believe otherwise. I know it.


But. BUT. When I want to cry, I’m crying. Hell yes… I am crying. I’ll straight up lock myself in my room on a Saturday night. Play sad music and write pieces that will never see the light of day. Soak my pillow full of tears. Eat ice cream. All that. And then- that very next day, I will do as my Momma always told me to do and put on my cutest outfit and go out and ROCK THAT SHIT. Rinse and repeat. That’s MY “necessary” for getting over someone.

Do what you gotta do. And cut yourself some slack for not being perfect in the pursuit of moving on. It’ll happen in time.

You may text them sometimes, emotionally still be there for them… (I did. For months.) You may fixate on them for way too damn long. (I DID.) Or hold out hope that there’s a second chance when clearly there isn’t. (I DID!!!!) Just keep on keepin’ on wherever you can. Don’t forget your friends, your family, your career, how GREAT being single is too! There are so many advantages to being single.)

THIS is my truth: gotta wallow when we need to otherwise we’re not getting over it. Just don’t be stupid. Forgive yourself after moments of weakness and always refocus after. Mistakes are going to happen- that’s OKAY if it’s not hurting anyone else but yourself. (<— Up to you how long you can keep doing that.)

I know there are people who won’t relate to this following statement, that’s cool– just wanting to keep writing honestly for myself and for you.

So: I believe that God has the greatest man lined up for me. I know that he knows exactly what I need. And on the other side will be a man who needs me.

Exactly me.

Whether you believe in God or a different higher power or just put your trust in the universe… know that love is going to find it’s way to you. And you’re going to be okay. Okay?!

*Ends pep talk* *steps off soapbox*

*pours wine because now I’m depressed after writing this* lol jk

I choose to believe in love. 🙂 I hope you do too.

More love stories on Violet Fog:
One about “liking” an ex’s new girlfriend’s pic
One about being bummed about a “fling” not working out
One about looking back on our first loves

Love “advice”:
E.Jean Carrol (73 year old writer/powerhouse) on not settling
Tough love when you *NEED* to stop thinking about someone

Make sure to read my update on love!